At the Movies

Going through all this "stuff" I saved (knowingly or otherwise) included the internal question: why did I save this?  I had to have figured I wanted to prove to someone that I attended the Minnesota / Bethune Cookman game, right?  Going through the desk, I found a scattershot pile: movie tickets.  I laughed as I dug them out, and while it clearly wasn't everything I saw, I almost wondered if they were saved for another reason: an alibi, really enjoying it, or...some other reason lost to time.  I wouldn't have put it past my father to not believe I went to the movies, that I was out doing who knows what, dare I go to my girlfriend's house, etc.

I didn't think I saved movie tickets out here, but I looked around...and to my surprise, in a folder with odds and ends, I found a few.  Again, why they were saved (come on, they aren't A-Team trading cards like I received in a birthday card) I have no idea.

I likely saved this one because I knew I'd seen some shit here, that's for sure.  I remember seeing Pulp Fiction twice the 1st week it was out: there was nothing like it.  One time I went I had to show I.D.  So many imitations came out in the following years, too.  Seeing that I got in for free, it would seem Mike made the deal for this screening.

I remember starting to turn down some of the "blockbusters" others wanted to see (they were seeing it because there was a giveaway cup at Taco Bell or something) and being more intrigued with Indie films of the 90s - truly a golden age.  Me and a gal pal went to see Welcome to the Dollhouse, an excellent black comedy, and not the kind of movie you can easily explain or expect a lot of people (there, then) to have heard of or want to see, so...

 

If you're gonna do The People vs. Larry Flynt and First Strike back-to-back, you should get the serious stuff out of the way first.  That way, you'll be woken up by Jackie Chan fight scenes the rest of the night.  We were just going for it on this day.  By the way, notice the price: not just an artifact from decades ago, if you bought the tickets during the matinee period, you paid matinee prices...even for night showings!  I don't know if this was a promotion, a screw-up, or what...

Remember when you'd see a movie twice (or more) in the theaters if you really liked it?  I remember thinking that there were likely jokes I'd missed, or jokes I wanted to memorize, so absolutely, I'll see Austin Powers again.

During one of the trippier scenes of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (I don't remember which one exactly), a screening that I viewed "enhanced", the power in the theater went out.  It went out long enough that everyone got their money back.  

 

The Indie & Studio-distributed Indie summer of '98 plowed through - that's The Opposite of Sex, Clockwatchers, Buffalo '66, and Slums of Beverly Hills.  

"You can't fire me - you don't know my NAME!"

"We're a couple, and we span time together.  We're a couple spanning time."

Dillon and I actually came up with a bit for Night by Night after the Slums of Beverly Hills screening, but we never ended up doing another episode.  I don't know how we would've done it but here's the crux: a guy going to different stores, could be food, music, anything.  He grabs a ton of stuff, then goes to the register.  Whatever the total is, the guy goes "Yeah, so...I want all these things, but I only have $12, so...I can see we're gonna have to work something out."  The cashier keeps pressing that the total is the total, if you can't afford it all buy less stuff, but the guy is oblivious: "I mean, $12 is a lot of money."  Manager comes over, the guy gets defensive "Hey, I'm not in a fight, I'm not making a scene.  I HAVE money, and I'm ready to give it to you.  All of it!  For this stuff!"

I don't know...WE thought it was funny.

With student prices readily accessible in Boston, seeing movies was often an experience when drinking needed a break.  In what I found here, there were a few things that I hadn't thought of since, well, since I saw it...then saw the ticket stub, and it all came back:

- I apparently saw Muppets From Space in the theater which I didn't remember until seeing the stub, then recalled I had met a girl at a party and somewhere in the night (whether it was the alcohol, us vibing, or a combo of the 2) we decided that the following day we'd see that movie.  At best, the film is OK...and honestly, the quality of the movie ended whatever was going to happen between the 2 of us.  We were sober when we went in the theater, and both like "well, so much for that.  Thanks!" when we left.  So it goes.

- It's a long story, but I saw Mystery, Alaska in a theater in Biddeford, Maine.

- There were some blank tickets from a small theater where I didn't write down what I saw.  I remember one in Harvard Square had that set up.  Again, student prices, a good way to kill a rainy day.  Why save a blank ticket?  Hell, maybe it was from a comedy show...who knows?  

A folder with initial odds and ends from out here had a few saved as well.  Sometimes it was just seeing something because I knew a theater would be torn down, just to check it out.  Or things like this:

It took a long time for me to figure this one out: The Strange Case of Senor Computer.  I freely admit this was judging a movie by its title.  Back then, even low budget stuff would play in a theater for a week...Senor Computer might have just had a couple of days at the Egyptian.

Finally, once finding this one, I was surprised to see I saved it until I saw the date:

I didn't know much going into Wet Hot American Summer beyond that it was people from The State that were in it, along with David Hyde Pierce, which seemed strange to me.  I just remember laughing non-stop, my girlfriend not getting it at all, and me thinking "if she didn't think ANYTHING in this movie was funny, we gotta break up."  Ten days later, the world had changed, and my thoughts were on other matters.

So many things saved, though as I said at the top, I never stopped to ask myself why...maybe because I didn't have much to begin with?  At some point after this, I came to the conclusion tickets did not need to be saved after each film, but I'd already saved these, so...might as well save them for decades?!

While in MN, The Big Scoop happened upon a massive goblet filled with matchbooks.  "What is this?" she asked.  Another something I'd forgotten: "Oh yeah...this is back when restaurants had a smoking section.  Anytime my parents would go out to eat, anywhere they'd be, they'd get a matchbook and put it in there."  "Huh." was the reply.  "Yeah." was mine.  I really hope my Ma hasn't bought matches for any reason over the past 30 years but...does she know it's there?  Maybe this is all hereditary?  Eh...gotta take out the trash again.

Setting Son

Leading up to the visit, the suggestion from my sister was that I had to really clean out my old room.  Do so as if "that's the last time you'll be in there."  I confirmed my understanding of the task, while also wondering if, in a way, she was sensing the future.  Maybe not all of it, maybe not everyone, but maybe just my own?

I knew on this trip that my time would not be free.  I knew that plans were being made with me, for me, without my knowledge.  As optimistic as I am, I also knew the likelihood of seeing anyone I'd want to see simply wouldn't happen.  So, there I am, stuck at my Ma's home, being prodded to do something else.  Whatever the hell I was doing, I needed to be doing something else. 

We arrive: the weather was a hazy early 80s in lovely Dealville, near 100 in Salt Lake City (our layover) but cloudy and (I was told) 63 when we landed.  In the afternoon.  Hello Summer!  A cruel joke from the weather gods.  Hahaha - you thought you could find a time that it was safe to visit!  We'll show you!  Thankfully that weather hold was brief, but it cast a pall over the whole trip.

I was sitting at my desk: an old metal "teacher's desk" handed down by one of my grandfathers.  I'm going through each drawer, each of which holds completely random items.  Most items were put here by me, truly odds and sods from decades ago.  What happens when I find these things?  Maybe 5% are a genuine pleasant surprise, and it's coming back to Dealville.  The other 95% are either reviewed, thought of, then recycled.  As I'm doing so, I'm starting to find more and more things that are clearly NOT my own.  "Trip might like this" someone thought, so coin sets from, say, 1974, are there.  I ask aloud who those are...my Ma says they are mine...I decline, stating I've never seen it before.  A stand-off, unknowingly, has begun.

As I go through the desk, my Ma is at the other end of the room.  "What about this stuff in the closet?"  I don't know, Ma.  "How about this tie?"  Ma, I've been in town 3 hours.  I'm currently going through this desk.  "Well..."  Of course, the Big Scoop can play on her tablet, but the women formerly known as Smiley is bored.  "What are we going to do tonight?"  Because she's a child and we have to plan everything for you?  So, after the 3rd time she brings it up, I stop and decide to shoot pool with her in the basement rumpus room.  I'm not 10 minutes into playing that my Ma appears again, looking at a well-worn entertainment center.  "What about these tapes?"

We had 2 days planned, or optioned, for swimming at the community pool.  Both times everyone had to leave due to lightning.  The last 3 times we visited my Ma, that's happened to us.  Someone, somewhere, is trying to tell me something.  Is it the truth?  By the brief end of yet another swim attempt, I've thrown out 3 bags full of trash, and 3 other bags to be recycled.  Still, more work needs to be done.  One of the easiest things I did was throwing out old yearbooks.  "You're so funny!  We should hang out this summer - call me!"  Bitch, you never returned my calls, get out of here.  I saved my last yearbook from Bloomington, before the move.  People in there wrote like I was terminal, and they were saying goodbye.  

The absolute highlight was, ironically, a bullet dodged as well.  One request was to go fishing, and while that is fun, I had no idea where to even begin.  Instead, we ended up with rented poles and walked along a slimy urban creek.  The mission, however, was accomplished: on her first cast, the Big Scoop reeled in a sunfish.  She also caught catfish.  She ended her morning/afternoon with 10 catches, endless delight, and many pictures of a happy girl.  Something worked out!

We were planned to attend two "fancy" dinners while I was in town.  Both were restaurants in malls.  I am no stranger to that at all: frequently the hidden gems of a town are restaurants in a strip mall.  They are also, usually, not this overpriced.  We all remember where we are - polo shirts tucked into the guts, everyone with short haircuts, restaurants advertising something called Michelob Golden Draft Light - as much as one tries to blend in while travelling, we did notice we stuck out wherever we went.  Eh, so it goes.

The cleaning continues.  A folder with all newspaper clippings of David Letterman moving to CBS.  A folder of 1991 contents from the fan club of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Pleasent surprises.  More and more random shit to toss.  I take a break and am told to have another Leine's - Ma bought a 24 pack for my visit.  24!  I'm in town 4 days.  I am not up to the challenge.  I have one while reading through, then recycling, old Mad Magazines and Mad books.  "What are you doing?" I'm asked by that very mother.  What a coincidence - I'm reading Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.  "I'm using the paper face shield to keep me way from annoyances."

The last day was a perfect summary.  Meetings were planned, then cancelled, then people in said meetings didn't know this, and asked if we were "OK".  I had wanted to go back to the old neighborhood, and many times in the past, I could do so alone.  I'd go at my own pace, where I want to loiter, etc.  I'd done it before without issue, but this time that was shot down.  So, we ALL drove over there, and the seams immediately began to show.  Ahead of the visit, I scouted a few restaurants, and we tried one.  We enjoyed it.  I was vibing with the staff, which upset some, but brought hearty portions to us all.  The drive around the old neighborhood, however, was a symbol:

Ma: Where should we go?

Me: Let's stay on 102nd and then make a right after the school--

(Ma turns down a different street)

Me: OK...

Artist formerly known as Smiley: Wait, this isn't where you wanted to go.

Big Scoop: Where are we?

Ma: (pointing) Was there always a stoplight there?

Me: Yes, even when I was a kid.

Ma: No.  Are you sure?

What positive memories I have of this area are in this town, yet here we are being herded: I'm not going where I want to go, 2 others not caring, and the one doing the herding lost in her own lane.

We were there 4 days, and yet it still felt like 1 day too long.  As it usually goes when trying to make it back home, we had to run through the airport to make our connection - this was a close as I'd ever been to not make it.  But make it we did, and when we walked down the ramp and put our feet on the ground, I lifted my arms in the air, as though it was a victory.  We survived.  We did it and we returned.  Haven't been this happy to be home in years.  All because I was there for 4 days.  

At dinner the following day, I tried to figure out why I felt this way.  I talked it out, but I didn't expect either of those 2 to completely understand.  When we were there, I'd have to look through something which would bring back a flood of memories, most of which I hadn't thought about in decades...which brought back crummy memories...which I'd try to balance out with good...but it was never enough.  I'd then have to cover my strained face with something more placid as I'm asked to do something else.

I already know that whatever is positive of "back then" is completely in my mind: cherry-picked random moments from long ago.  And yet, now removed a little from this visit, I'm not sure when the next visit will be - it might be another 5-6 years, I don't know.  Dillon was understanding enough to know I had no freedom in this visit but asked how it went all the same.  I passed along a few nutty finds, but just as much all of the strain.  I then posited this idea: I wonder how a visit there would be without "all this" with it.  I know I could never pull that off.  At least, not anytime soon.  I still wonder all the same.  It might be different, but not any better.  Maybe it'll just have to be those random memories, triggered by a song, a video, or now, this stack of papers.  I'm not trying to run away from my past, but I pushed aside so much of it (completely necessary as an action) that returning to see if what was positive wasn't worth it.  

For me, there's no future there, so can I ever be expected to place it in my own future here?        

Trash Horror Films of the 80s: New Favorites

Though it took me way longer than I'd anticipated, going through the quest of (what 2 writers claimed was) the top 50 trash horror films was a lot of fun.  Even after I'd finish a bad or mediocre title, hell, at least it was new to me.  When I found something good enough, I was pleased.  When I pleasantly surprised or even wowed, that was the best.  That made it all worth it.  Below were the films I'd never seen and, looking back, suggest you do so to if you haven't already (as I had with the gems The Children and Sleepaway Camp)

The Video Dead

Everything you'd want from a VHS rental from that time and beyond.  A unique concept, smartly shot, and with more than enough planned and (a little) unplanned hilarity make this more than worth seeking out.  So much of the movies are "of their time" and thank goodness for that, especially with some dialogue that could only come out of the 80's.  This one is a lot of fun!

Seeing this so early in the quest made me think I'd find many more like this one...I thought wrong.

The Dead Next Door

Nearly all the titles on this list were filmed in random towns across the globe.  If it was in any major city, it tended to be NYC, which helped (with it being the 80s) but didn't really stand out.  In the Dead Next Door, this works not only for the brief shots of Washington DC, but then that part of this zombie virus attack ends up in the "suburbs" of Akron, Ohio.  Why Akron?  Well, why not, but also...that's where everyone is, so the zombie attack is around Akron.  Instead of trying to cover it up, they lean into it.  All of that aside, the makeup and effects show real care, and instead of trying to stretch the running time, they get everything they want in there and get out in a little over an hour.  

Don't you want to see a zombie rent VHS tapes?!

The Oracle  

I could go either way on this one with the good (1980's NYC sleaze) and bad (the "acting"...oh lord) but what can I say?  I was impressed by "death by garbage chute" and, honestly, surprised it hasn't been done more often.  Not tops for me, but good enough.

The Boogey Man

After watching this, I wondered aloud (to no one) and wrote (to tens of readers) why this was on the list at all.  I wouldn't say it's trash: visually, this is made so much better than other titles on the list.  Yes, it has the swanky synth, but it just looks better...plus, it left me thinking about the plot long after I finished the movie.  Not about the movie itself, of course, just the plot.  Not the top of the list or anything, but worth checking out one of these days.

Slugs

If you were to make a movie that was called "Slugs The Movie" you would want to ensure all the boxes are checked:  You'd want to show these creatures across all socioeconomic categories.  You'd need to do some puppetry to show 'em chowing down.  You'd need a little T&A and then the usual "sex never works out" lesson learned in horror movies.  You're going to need the scientist as well.  OK great!  You checked off all the boxes.  The rest doesn't matter.  You'll admire AND laugh at this movie.  

Class of Nuke 'em High

There's nothing wrong with a little "insanity for insanity's sake" in your movie-going.  You expect insanity from Tromaville Studios, and Class of Nuke 'em High won't let you down.  This is a trash horror film in every sense of the word, and it's almost as if the list was made around this title.  It was perfectly in the middle, but for a lot of reasons it could have rated higher.  If you write a line of dialogue like "I don't give a wet fart what you think" and then know it's going to be delivered convincingly, you're more than ready to be called "trash."  When you're ready, the Class of Nuke 'em High is ready for you.

Basket Case

This movie really saved the day for me, and I say that in all sincerity.  I was feeling worn down by "eh" horror movies of this quest.  I began to wonder if I'd seen all the "good ones" on the list and let this quest wither and die as so many of my, well, former contemporaries do with such statements.  Then I saw Basket Case.  You, dear reader, are the one who can experience this joy as well.  What a fun one this is: great practical effects, early 80s "no set dressing needed" NYC, a plot that, every time when you think it's running out of steam, gives you ANOTHER great scene.  Hell, just this very morning, I shared some screen captures of this film with The Big Scoop herself.  She laughed.  Considering some of the shit she watches, maybe it's time.  Why this movie wasn't a bigger success, who knows?    

Titles like those above made this quest worth it.  It reaffirmed my faith that there is gold still out there unbeknownst to me.  Sure, I'll get around to finishing my catch-up of horror releases from the past year or so, but like finding a lost pair of shades, these movies brought relief and a smile when it was needed the most.

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 80's: #5-#1

The quest has been achieved!  For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15-#11

#10-#6

#5 - Pieces (1982 in Europe...1983 here)

Back of the VHS box: Thirty-five years after the violent death of a young boy's mother, mutilated corpses are discovered on a university campus, each body forming part of a macabre jigsaw puzzle that the police have to piece together.

Hey - they used one of my favorite words: macabre.

1983 radio spot transcript

(music box music plays)

Narrator: Which room is Debbie in?  The bedroom?  Could she be in the closet?  Or the kitchen?  Maybe she's in the basement?  That's right.  She's in all of them.  Pieces.  (chainsaw sound effect, woman screaming "NO!") You don't have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre.  It's exactly what you think it is.  Pieces.  Absolutely no one under 17 admitted.

Immediately hilarious, with some of the worst dubbing I've ever seen.  Did you know the New England Patriots were a pro football team in 1942?  According to Pieces, that's a fact.

After our synth opening, we're on to groovin' rock, 40 years later, at a New England college.  

Having gone to a college in New England, I think I can share some insight and confirm that yes, people do skateboard out of control throughout campus.  Sometimes into a giant mirror, of course, but that's not the point.

Later, we're at a Pacific coast coll---er, still at the same campus, and, well, heads up!

As the plot continues to move into what appears to be a straight-forward murder mystery, we're then interrupted with an aerobics break?!  

Christopher George and Linda Day were on quite a horror clip.  On the very day I watched Pieces, I had earlier watched an NBC News report from 1983 (oh, really?  That's unique for you, Trip) and sure enough was an ad for Mortuary)  George died of a heart attack just a couple of months after these movies came out - what a way to go.  

Whatever might be slow is brought back to life by the ending that you're hoping for, however brief it might be.  "BOSTON HEALTH HOSPITALS" read the ambulance.  Well, Pieces is a well-shot movie with curious editing.  One that plays fast and loose with sound effects and score. I enjoy this a bit less than the usual viewing public, it appears, but there are enough quotes to at least give it a view...maybe I have to be in a different frame of mind to love it as others do, I'm not sure.  As with so many other foreign films of the era, it almost seems like they were filming 2 movies at once and cut and pasted different elements in as needed.  But that ending...just wanted to make sure you left the theater on a laugh!  

#4 - Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)

Back of the VHS box: none found

I wasn't 1 minute into this and all I could think of is "if Wesley Willis made a horror movie, this is it."

I'm at a loss.

"We waited a whole fuckin' hour fa ya."

#3 - Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Poster tagline: "... you won't be coming home!"

Look, all of us have seen this one.  It is a sensational film.  It doesn't belong anywhere NEAR Quadead Zone.  

What the hell is something like this or The Children doing on this list?  That's not trash, that's entertainment.  Damn it, now I'm pissed off.  Let Meg tell these Bloody Disgusting writers where they can go...

 

#2 - The Last Slumber Party (1988)

Back of the VHS: On their last day of high school, Linda, Tracy and Chris celebrate by having a slumber party at Linda's house.  A few boys drop by and the beer flows like wine.  Just good, clean, fun-loving kids.

But the gals have another visitor, one they don't yet know about.  Hiding in the house is a homicidal maniac who has just escaped from a mental hospital.  Armed with a scalpel, the nut slashes a little here, a little there as he sneaks from room to room.

One by one the guests start disappearing.  What evil lurks there?  What nightmare world have they entered?  The plot of twisted inside out leaving you stunned and clinging to your chair as you witness shock after horrifying shock.  The ending will leave you breathless.  And now, the blood flows like wine.

Early on, we have a brief shot of a Volkswagen Thing, which was wisely used and appreciated.

This has some of the worst-mixed sound in a movie I've ever heard/seen...it's right up there with the episode of Barry back in 1996.  That was, somewhat, on purpose...this...well, do you think this was on purpose?

There IS some good bullshitting by the teen guys, a nice touch of an LSU jersey... 

"I was getting tired of booze anyway.  Let's get high!"

"This is sick!  This is not fucking funny.  I'm not taking any more of this shit."

Special thanks to the Sesame Street poster prominently displayed in this scene.

A movie that barely makes it past an hour, plenty o synth, time capsule posters, wallpaper, people getting killed who act like they're getting a massage...is it real?  A bad dream?  This one is true video trash.

#1 - A Night to Dismember (1983)

Back of the VHS: When their lunatic sister Vicki Kent is let out of a mental hospital five years after supposedly stabbing two neighborhood boys to death, her vindictive brother Adam, and sister Mary will do anything to get her sent back to the asylum.  An intense investigation builds when people in the town start waking up with their heads detached from their bodies!  Dismemberment was the Kent family curse - watch them go Berzerk!

Viewers will be trembling as the senseless slaughter frows into a disgusting body count.  Who will get wiped off the map next?  NIGHT TO DISMEMBER - it will be a night you never forget.  Warning!  You will be graphically assaulted by decapitated heads, beating ripped-out hears and many grisly hatchet murders.

(With a warning like that, well, bring it on!)

My viewing of this movie, and discoveries afterwards, is a perfect summation of these 50 movies.  What I saw was a strange mishmash of an initial shoot and later shoot with different looks and tones.  Narration with swiftly delivered lines like "Susan had accidentally fallen on an axe; she was dead."  The editing got more and more confusing.  And so on...  If anything, I thought this film had all the hallmarks of many within this list: a clear edit job without the original shoot's intent, dubbing gone wrong, and a re-release to get some quick cash.  But why was this #1 on the list?

I am not alone in my confusion on "versions" it seems - 6 years later, another cut of the film comes out on video with Samantha Fox now as the lead with time-padded insert scenes to the film.  Some producers claim the film was found "unfinished" and some (but not all) footage was lost in a fire.  However, the cinematographer has an original cut from the initial filming that was, so I viewed, truly finished and released in Europe.  No documentation of said screenings in Europe can be found, but...

What version I saw now confuses me - I almost think I saw someone else's edit?  I honestly don't know.  I struggled to care, and pretty much gave up after a while.  However, if the whole idea of trash horror had to be summed up in one title, with everything: sound, editing, different "cuts" of the film, curious release patterns, confusing acting, and on we go...shit, this is it.  This has it all.  Low budget, edit and re-release on VHS, disagreements abound on what's the real cut, I mean...fuck.  That's the Horror section of so many mom & pop video stores.  That's the (for better or worse) entrepreneurial spirit of the horror genre.  That's the EXACT thing Mike and I used to find 20+ years ago.  

This quest took me nearly 3 years...mostly done in my spare time, here n' there.  I didn't expect that it would take this long, but then again, I didn't expect all that I found.  This was one hell of an overdue trip!  Next, I'll detail my favorite finds on this journey.  Thanks for watching with me...speaking of, when do we have to return the tapes?

The authorities said "best leave it unsolved"

The tournament is finally here!  Your wife has the day shift today, the kids are at Spring Break day camp, and you didn't tell anyone you took the day off!  What are your plans for the day?

A) Light home improvement projects around the house in-between games

B) Doing the household laundry you're allowed to touch

C) 

"Safety is my top priority"

Watching the Conference USA men's basketball tournament, you can see that

A) There are good sections still available

B) There are good decks still available

C) They should just play this tournament at a park

Add 2 Tbsp butter for richer flavor

You haven't watched a college basketball game all season, but that won't stop you come March!  Well, maybe it will - you meant to watch the Alabama / Auburn game on Saturday, but you didn't get to it.  Why not?

A) "Brunch" at the Biscuit Bucket went longer than expected

B) You were napping (again)

C) The kids had the TV on a Plex folder called "The Best of ALF Season 4"

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #10-6

As we wind this down, I do want to share a bit of levity as we finally get a break: The Big Scoop and her friends are (so they say) making a "movie."  I asked of its plot, and was told "it's about an evil cult that murders people."  Well, well.  Considering her age, she's way past where I was at that time...

For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15-#11

#10 - Hallucinations (1986)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

Oh that VHS audio feed...even on just black, you can hear it loud and clear.  You could even say this video, being from the 80s, has computer graphics...inasmuch that's a computer screen showing the titles.

I don't know if this was made in the Midwest, but it has quite a few touchstones: snow on the lens, trouble with the snowplow, mouth-breathing, foam snow boots, Afghan blankets on the chairs and couches, and fake vomit.  It also has the classic VHS lens flair from lamps, silhouette portraits, rotary phones, uneven audio, and ketchup-as-blood.

It's good, I suppose, knowing there are like-minded people to your interests, but I also felt like I was watching outtakes of one of our homemade videos from the 90s.  If you made your own at any point, there's nothing here you haven't done yourself.  If not, up to you if you want to see what people did with their time back then...

#9 - The Long Island Cannibal Massacre (1980)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

The is the lone title so far that has sadly eluded me in a way that is fiscally responsible.  Do I want to spend $20 on a DVD?  Perhaps, after I've seen it.  I'll update this page once this is viewed.

#8 - Burial Ground (1981)

Back of the VHS box: The Earth Shall Tremble, graves shall open.  They shall come among the living as messengers of death.  And there shall be the nights of terror...an excursion into the twilight world of the undead.  A chilling, brutal slice of horror.  There's no escape from The Nights of Terror (the alternate title - ed.) And only the living will scream.

Mama Mia!  Horror Italiano!  Who says you can't use a Take Five rip-off during opening credits?

"Didn't you like my little show?"

"You look just like a little whore.  But I like that."

"You're turning into a great little model."

"Well, then I deserve a raise in pay."

"You're getting a raise from me, all right, but it has nothing to do with money!"

The old "innards grab bag"

Apparently, only in Italy do they

1) have mothers who, when walked in on by their son, grab their clothing but don't put it on

2) use a museum's storage room as a gun range

3) have zombies with living skin on their hands and, on occasion, their head

4) question zombies as you would someone coming up to you randomly on the street

5) attempt to kill zombies with a pitchfork by hitting them over the head, or using it to "joust"

...and repeat.  Stretched out to last as long as it does, even containing a few "wait, that shot should have been 5 seconds later" moments, there was one thing that impressed me.  I know I/we discuss gore effects often in these reviews, but they did an amazing shot in the first 1/3rd of the movie of a zombie coming out of the ground that was sensational.  I don't recommend this one, but don't want to give away that bit, either.

#7 - Things (1989)

Back of the VHS box: I only found the front...but the re-release DVDs doesn't make me optimistic.

What do you get when you put Super 8, all Casio instruments, Introduction to Film I and II, VHS player editing, moments where you're sure the "filmmakers" had no idea what they were doing but did it anyway just to get it done, driving shots that made it look like Morris & the Rookie had an actual car mount, dialogue repeated because no one remembered it was already said, cue cards, non-sensical gore, and dubbing worse than any film that's NOT in English?  What I just listed is a lot of things; now you don't need to see Things.

#6 - Basket Case (1982)

Back of the VHS box: In the quaint town of Glens Falls, a very nervous Dr. Lifflander is suddenly attached by...well...something.  Something very small, misshapen, and very mad.  Something with a swollen, claw-like hand which rips the good doctor's face off.

BASKET CASE is about a young man who was born with a Siamese twin attached to his side.  At an early age, the monstrous twin was surgically removed, but lived to deeply resent his cut-off day.  His normal looking brother goes to New York, carrying a large basket wherever he goes.  In the basket is the hideous twin.  Neither brother can rest until they avenge their surgical separation by killing the doctors responsible.

A critically acclaimed horror classic, Rex Reed says, "BASKET CASE is the sickest movie I've ever seen."  The San Francisco Chronicle calls it "A rare picnic for horror fans."  It is a rare find in the tradition of ERASERHEAD and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, you'll want to see it over and over again.

Well, this was a very pleasant surprise.  Considering the plot, it is, at times, a slow-paced movie, but don't take that the wrong way - there are no wasted shots.  The set dressing, thankfully, is provided by New York City in 1981.  (What do you want bet that, after filming scenes with "blood" splattered everywhere, that they just left it there and no one then or in the future batted an eye?)  Plus, even if it's a throwaway character - The Bag Lady!

You just don't see The Bag Lady around anymore.  I remember on old Late Night episodes, Dave would mention them now and again and, upon arriving in Boston for school, they were always, slowly, on the streets.  Perhaps a product of time and place.

(pouring wine)

Man: Listen, if I have any more, I'm liable...liable to-

Dr. Cutter: That's all right, I like you drunk.  You're cute when you slobber.

(Phone rings)

Dr: Cutter: SHIT.

As with many films on this list, it's a no-star cast, but that doesn't matter if they give it their all and are eager to please.  Trust me, this film is ridiculous in all the right parts.

Practical effects!  Besides, when do you ever see the creature go insane?!  Not against a person, but against its own lot in life?  There's even stop motion!  This movie has it all.  By the way - how many times, in a low moment, have you found yourself sitting in a similar position, hashing out recent life choices?

The 3rd act flashbacks slow the film down, but they aren't bad.  Besides, we all get back to it in time.  

Hang in there, baby!  This film shows what happens when you go for it and things just work out.  Strong recommendation.  Seeing this film renewed my faith in hitting the finish line!

It's coming for us all

After turning on to Palisades Drive from Sunset, once you pass one of the swankier mini-malls you'll ever see, your vision almost turned into a jungle.  The twisting & turning of the road was only matched by the greenery that surrounded you.  The first time I took this drive with the woman formally known as Smiley she said, "I call this drive Jurassic Park", and it was obvious to see why.  (It's a phrase she continues to use for years and years, forgetting that I'd already heard this roughly 25-30 times) Suddenly in your view were townhomes on your right, and, it seemed, even more as you drove north.

At one of the events at their home, I asked her uncle how he ended up there.  In the early 80's, he had a home in Cheviot Hills and, maybe it was in a divorce or something, I didn't pry, but he met a contractor who was putting 'em up in this discovered pocket of Pacific Palisades land.  "He said 'I have 1 left - you want to take a look?'"  He smiled.  He liked the weather and amenities.  I asked him if it ever bothered him - the one way in & out vibe of the neighborhood.  He smiled again and shrugged his shoulders.

Years later, one time I was helping him get out a table in the storage room.  I'd never been in there, but there was a lot of "stuff" in there.  When I commented as such, he chuckled and said, "One day, it'll all be yours."  Whatever that is in there: memories, items needed, items not needed, or burdens.  

He passed away last Fall - her aunt said, "He told me 'I'm going to die in this house.'"  If he only knew.

Another way to go there was to get off at Sunset and wind your way there - it was usually faster than going along the PCH, but that didn't make it any easier.  It certainly didn't seem fast, or faster, or particularly easy to drive.  After passing Riviera, the streets and topography change almost each minute.  A high school with unbelievable views.  Streets sneak up to Sunset, and then sneak away, hidden to privacy.  There was a "downtown" strip along Sunset with all needed stores, including a fire station.    

Since his passing, in these new unknown days, her aunt met a family new to her complex that has a daughter near the age of The Big Scoop.  One such meeting worked well, so we agreed to start the new year with a meet-up and dinner.  We decided to meet at a park off Sunset and walk a new trail - the plan for this trail was, in the new year, to build a walking bridge over to Will Rogers State Beach.

As we wandered back to the park, we passed many cliffside homes facing south with views of the ocean, the Santa Monica Pier, and the rest of the coast.  We "claimed" many of them for our own.  It was a fun night for all with unplanned hilarity.  We said we'd try to do it again soon, maybe before the Super Bowl.

Luckily, the kids were in school.  Luckily, the parents were at work.  Luckily, the aunt had errands to run in Santa Monica.  On a day like I just wrote of above, one maybe 2 weeks ago now, everyone was home.   Luckily, not that day.

After school that day, our attempts to get in touch with everyone mildly successful, another fire begins in Altadena, this one spreading east and west.  West is what we're worried about.  The following day, a fire starts in the Hollywood hills.  I begin to get a suitcase ready and while the female members of this household squawk, all needed docs are handy.  If this continues sloping north, we'll likely get the notice to leave.

So, if you're supposed to evacuate, or at least get ready: To where?  Which direction?  How far?  How long?  This isn't a hurricane, arriving on one side, going in one direction.  We also don't see these coming days in advance.  This isn't a tornado, with a siren saying "YOU - BASEMENT".  A co-worker of Smiley who lives with her family in north Pasadena just grabbed what they could and took off to Arizona.  It can't catch them.

The fire in Hollywood is thankfully put out less than 24 hours later.  Had it been first, it might've been worse.  School is cancelled the rest of the week, and I attempt to stay calm in front of the Scoop. Things remain "steady" inasmuch as there are no new major fires and those already going are slowly increasing containment.  All of the family has been in touch looking for info.  The co-workers (all in other parts of the country) lend support.  Some out of state friends have as well, too.  Then again, maybe not: from Bloomington, a financial planner asks me how the new year is treating me and if I'm interested in turning a 401k into a Roth IRA.  Another text, seemingly from Potsy, sends a link to the Santa Anita racetrack being closed.  Hey, thanks for checking in!

Nights don't lead to much sleep, at least not to me.  When the Eaton fire started, I think I slept 1 hour, riding the 3rd rail.  Night 2, with whatever was going with the Hollywood fire, the same, then a little more.  The mind starting to play tricks: do you smell that?  Is that smoke?  Are we OK?  Is that a siren?  Was that her voice?  My heart begins to pound.

Saved for the study of time are the weather forecasts from Sunday the 5th.  Wind speeds are mentioned.  "Possibilities" are mentioned.  The weathermen and women are going through the motions.  Glib might not be the right word, and they're not psychic, but it is an air of "keep an eye on this, you know" and that's it.  That's the forecast, back to you (forced laughs). 

The weekend was normal enough in that they showed NFL playoff games on Sunday while warning of more Santa Ana winds, labeled "typically bad" (not "a wildfire fucks a tornado") for Tuesday & Wednesday.  My next-door neighbor, a native of Burbank and longtime animation director, figures now would be a good time to get dinner on the grill.  In cover of darkness, my other neighbor and I begin freaking the fuck out because everywhere smells of smoke.  The offender's wife texts "oh, he's making dinner."  Our responses of the politest way possible to say "are you a fucking moron?" are not granted a response.

As I type this, at least near me, the crazy winds never showed up this week.  Oh sure, from time to time it smells like the innards of a chimney even though the skies are pretty clear and there's no wind at all.  High humidity the forecast for the weekend, thankfully, until next week, where humidity will seemingly disappear (without the wind, I guess?) and we start all over again.

One of the things we read is that these homes now lost were that family's retirement, that this real estate, on the rise except when it's not, would pay for that family's end times.  Now, they still have that land...but nowhere to go, and the expenses therein.  In an area growing in population and not much inventory, the problem is only worse.  But bring it back - the home will pay for all of that in the future.  Now maybe you live somewhere that is of some interest to others, so that your home, even if it could be a teardown, will hold such strong value it'll be the big score.  Maybe it's someone's 10th choice in town, but a house all the same.  Over time, the likelihood of inflation and time passing, you'll make something for those old days, right?       

You need to keep that in mind as the future goes, because it's coming.  It might be wildfires or an earthquake here, an Insane-o hurricane or tropical storm in the south and east, a spaceship of a tornado in the midwest.  

(Oh, it SNOWED?  What a problem!)

It's coming, and hopefully you can prepare.  Your future, whatever payday you think you'll receive because you added a deck, is completely up in the air.  That's what is making the ultimate decision.  Might not be affecting you now, but it'll be the effects that you'll get, and you might or might not notice it.  But it'll come, it's all you can do to get through it, and if there's any comfort, you'll know you're not alone.  You're not alone where you are, and you're not alone because someone, somewhere else is next up.