Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #10-6

As we wind this down, I do want to share a bit of levity as we finally get a break: The Big Scoop and her friends are (so they say) making a "movie."  I asked of its plot, and was told "it's about an evil cult that murders people."  Well, well.  Considering her age, she's way past where I was at that time...

For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15-#11

#10 - Hallucinations (1986)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

Oh that VHS audio feed...even on just black, you can hear it loud and clear.  You could even say this video, being from the 80s, has computer graphics...inasmuch that's a computer screen showing the titles.

I don't know if this was made in the Midwest, but it has quite a few touchstones: snow on the lens, trouble with the snowplow, mouth-breathing, foam snow boots, Afghan blankets on the chairs and couches, and fake vomit.  It also has the classic VHS lens flair from lamps, silhouette portraits, rotary phones, uneven audio, and ketchup-as-blood.

It's good, I suppose, knowing there are like-minded people to your interests, but I also felt like I was watching outtakes of one of our homemade videos from the 90s.  If you made your own at any point, there's nothing here you haven't done yourself.  If not, up to you if you want to see what people did with their time back then...

#9 - The Long Island Cannibal Massacre (1980)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

The is the lone title so far that has sadly eluded me in a way that is fiscally responsible.  Do I want to spend $20 on a DVD?  Perhaps, after I've seen it.  I'll update this page once this is viewed.

#8 - Burial Ground (1981)

Back of the VHS box: The Earth Shall Tremble, graves shall open.  They shall come among the living as messengers of death.  And there shall be the nights of terror...an excursion into the twilight world of the undead.  A chilling, brutal slice of horror.  There's no escape from The Nights of Terror (the alternate title - ed.) And only the living will scream.

Mama Mia!  Horror Italiano!  Who says you can't use a Take Five rip-off during opening credits?

"Didn't you like my little show?"

"You look just like a little whore.  But I like that."

"You're turning into a great little model."

"Well, then I deserve a raise in pay."

"You're getting a raise from me, all right, but it has nothing to do with money!"

The old "innards grab bag"

Apparently, only in Italy do they

1) have mothers who, when walked in on by their son, grab their clothing but don't put it on

2) use a museum's storage room as a gun range

3) have zombies with living skin on their hands and, on occasion, their head

4) question zombies as you would someone coming up to you randomly on the street

5) attempt to kill zombies with a pitchfork by hitting them over the head, or using it to "joust"

...and repeat.  Stretched out to last as long as it does, even containing a few "wait, that shot should have been 5 seconds later" moments, there was one thing that impressed me.  I know I/we discuss gore effects often in these reviews, but they did an amazing shot in the first 1/3rd of the movie of a zombie coming out of the ground that was sensational.  I don't recommend this one, but don't want to give away that bit, either.

#7 - Things (1989)

Back of the VHS box: I only found the front...but the re-release DVDs doesn't make me optimistic.

What do you get when you put Super 8, all Casio instruments, Introduction to Film I and II, VHS player editing, moments where you're sure the "filmmakers" had no idea what they were doing but did it anyway just to get it done, driving shots that made it look like Morris & the Rookie had an actual car mount, dialogue repeated because no one remembered it was already said, cue cards, non-sensical gore, and dubbing worse than any film that's NOT in English?  What I just listed is a lot of things; now you don't need to see Things.

#6 - Basket Case (1982)

Back of the VHS box: In the quaint town of Glens Falls, a very nervous Dr. Lifflander is suddenly attached by...well...something.  Something very small, misshapen, and very mad.  Something with a swollen, claw-like hand which rips the good doctor's face off.

BASKET CASE is about a young man who was born with a Siamese twin attached to his side.  At an early age, the monstrous twin was surgically removed, but lived to deeply resent his cut-off day.  His normal looking brother goes to New York, carrying a large basket wherever he goes.  In the basket is the hideous twin.  Neither brother can rest until they avenge their surgical separation by killing the doctors responsible.

A critically acclaimed horror classic, Rex Reed says, "BASKET CASE is the sickest movie I've ever seen."  The San Francisco Chronicle calls it "A rare picnic for horror fans."  It is a rare find in the tradition of ERASERHEAD and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, you'll want to see it over and over again.

Well, this was a very pleasant surprise.  Considering the plot, it is, at times, a slow-paced movie, but don't take that the wrong way - there are no wasted shots.  The set dressing, thankfully, is provided by New York City in 1981.  (What do you want bet that, after filming scenes with "blood" splattered everywhere, that they just left it there and no one then or in the future batted an eye?)  Plus, even if it's a throwaway character - The Bag Lady!

You just don't see The Bag Lady around anymore.  I remember on old Late Night episodes, Dave would mention them now and again and, upon arriving in Boston for school, they were always, slowly, on the streets.  Perhaps a product of time and place.

(pouring wine)

Man: Listen, if I have any more, I'm liable...liable to-

Dr. Cutter: That's all right, I like you drunk.  You're cute when you slobber.

(Phone rings)

Dr: Cutter: SHIT.

As with many films on this list, it's a no-star cast, but that doesn't matter if they give it their all and are eager to please.  Trust me, this film is ridiculous in all the right parts.

Practical effects!  Besides, when do you ever see the creature go insane?!  Not against a person, but against its own lot in life?  There's even stop motion!  This movie has it all.  By the way - how many times, in a low moment, have you found yourself sitting in a similar position, hashing out recent life choices?

The 3rd act flashbacks slow the film down, but they aren't bad.  Besides, we all get back to it in time.  

Hang in there, baby!  This film shows what happens when you go for it and things just work out.  Strong recommendation.  Seeing this film renewed my faith in hitting the finish line!

It's coming for us all

After turning on to Palisades Drive from Sunset, once you pass one of the swankier mini-malls you'll ever see, your vision almost turned into a jungle.  The twisting & turning of the road was only matched by the greenery that surrounded you.  The first time I took this drive with the woman formally known as Smiley she said, "I call this drive Jurassic Park", and it was obvious to see why.  (It's a phrase she continues to use for years and years, forgetting that I'd already heard this roughly 25-30 times) Suddenly in your view were townhomes on your right, and, it seemed, even more as you drove north.

At one of the events at their home, I asked her uncle how he ended up there.  In the early 80's, he had a home in Cheviot Hills and, maybe it was in a divorce or something, I didn't pry, but he met a contractor who was putting 'em up in this discovered pocket of Pacific Palisades land.  "He said 'I have 1 left - you want to take a look?'"  He smiled.  He liked the weather and amenities.  I asked him if it ever bothered him - the one way in & out vibe of the neighborhood.  He smiled again and shrugged his shoulders.

Years later, one time I was helping him get out a table in the storage room.  I'd never been in there, but there was a lot of "stuff" in there.  When I commented as such, he chuckled and said, "One day, it'll all be yours."  Whatever that is in there: memories, items needed, items not needed, or burdens.  

He passed away last Fall - her aunt said, "He told me 'I'm going to die in this house.'"  If he only knew.

Another way to go there was to get off at Sunset and wind your way there - it was usually faster than going along the PCH, but that didn't make it any easier.  It certainly didn't seem fast, or faster, or particularly easy to drive.  After passing Riviera, the streets and topography change almost each minute.  A high school with unbelievable views.  Streets sneak up to Sunset, and then sneak away, hidden to privacy.  There was a "downtown" strip along Sunset with all needed stores, including a fire station.    

Since his passing, in these new unknown days, her aunt met a family new to her complex that has a daughter near the age of The Big Scoop.  One such meeting worked well, so we agreed to start the new year with a meet-up and dinner.  We decided to meet at a park off Sunset and walk a new trail - the plan for this trail was, in the new year, to build a walking bridge over to Will Rogers State Beach.

As we wandered back to the park, we passed many cliffside homes facing south with views of the ocean, the Santa Monica Pier, and the rest of the coast.  We "claimed" many of them for our own.  It was a fun night for all with unplanned hilarity.  We said we'd try to do it again soon, maybe before the Super Bowl.

Luckily, the kids were in school.  Luckily, the parents were at work.  Luckily, the aunt had errands to run in Santa Monica.  On a day like I just wrote of above, one maybe 2 weeks ago now, everyone was home.   Luckily, not that day.

After school that day, our attempts to get in touch with everyone mildly successful, another fire begins in Altadena, this one spreading east and west.  West is what we're worried about.  The following day, a fire starts in the Hollywood hills.  I begin to get a suitcase ready and while the female members of this household squawk, all needed docs are handy.  If this continues sloping north, we'll likely get the notice to leave.

So, if you're supposed to evacuate, or at least get ready: To where?  Which direction?  How far?  How long?  This isn't a hurricane, arriving on one side, going in one direction.  We also don't see these coming days in advance.  This isn't a tornado, with a siren saying "YOU - BASEMENT".  A co-worker of Smiley who lives with her family in north Pasadena just grabbed what they could and took off to Arizona.  It can't catch them.

The fire in Hollywood is thankfully put out less than 24 hours later.  Had it been first, it might've been worse.  School is cancelled the rest of the week, and I attempt to stay calm in front of the Scoop. Things remain "steady" inasmuch as there are no new major fires and those already going are slowly increasing containment.  All of the family has been in touch looking for info.  The co-workers (all in other parts of the country) lend support.  Some out of state friends have as well, too.  Then again, maybe not: from Bloomington, a financial planner asks me how the new year is treating me and if I'm interested in turning a 401k into a Roth IRA.  Another text, seemingly from Potsy, sends a link to the Santa Anita racetrack being closed.  Hey, thanks for checking in!

Nights don't lead to much sleep, at least not to me.  When the Eaton fire started, I think I slept 1 hour, riding the 3rd rail.  Night 2, with whatever was going with the Hollywood fire, the same, then a little more.  The mind starting to play tricks: do you smell that?  Is that smoke?  Are we OK?  Is that a siren?  Was that her voice?  My heart begins to pound.

Saved for the study of time are the weather forecasts from Sunday the 5th.  Wind speeds are mentioned.  "Possibilities" are mentioned.  The weathermen and women are going through the motions.  Glib might not be the right word, and they're not psychic, but it is an air of "keep an eye on this, you know" and that's it.  That's the forecast, back to you (forced laughs). 

The weekend was normal enough in that they showed NFL playoff games on Sunday while warning of more Santa Ana winds, labeled "typically bad" (not "a wildfire fucks a tornado") for Tuesday & Wednesday.  My next-door neighbor, a native of Burbank and longtime animation director, figures now would be a good time to get dinner on the grill.  In cover of darkness, my other neighbor and I begin freaking the fuck out because everywhere smells of smoke.  The offender's wife texts "oh, he's making dinner."  Our responses of the politest way possible to say "are you a fucking moron?" are not granted a response.

As I type this, at least near me, the crazy winds never showed up this week.  Oh sure, from time to time it smells like the innards of a chimney even though the skies are pretty clear and there's no wind at all.  High humidity the forecast for the weekend, thankfully, until next week, where humidity will seemingly disappear (without the wind, I guess?) and we start all over again.

One of the things we read is that these homes now lost were that family's retirement, that this real estate, on the rise except when it's not, would pay for that family's end times.  Now, they still have that land...but nowhere to go, and the expenses therein.  In an area growing in population and not much inventory, the problem is only worse.  But bring it back - the home will pay for all of that in the future.  Now maybe you live somewhere that is of some interest to others, so that your home, even if it could be a teardown, will hold such strong value it'll be the big score.  Maybe it's someone's 10th choice in town, but a house all the same.  Over time, the likelihood of inflation and time passing, you'll make something for those old days, right?       

You need to keep that in mind as the future goes, because it's coming.  It might be wildfires or an earthquake here, an Insane-o hurricane or tropical storm in the south and east, a spaceship of a tornado in the midwest.  

(Oh, it SNOWED?  What a problem!)

It's coming, and hopefully you can prepare.  Your future, whatever payday you think you'll receive because you added a deck, is completely up in the air.  That's what is making the ultimate decision.  Might not be affecting you now, but it'll be the effects that you'll get, and you might or might not notice it.  But it'll come, it's all you can do to get through it, and if there's any comfort, you'll know you're not alone.  You're not alone where you are, and you're not alone because someone, somewhere else is next up.