Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #35-31

Sheesh, all this time and I'm not even half-way through my commitment?  Well then...I'd better step it up.  For those finding this randomly (likely due to screen caps) here are the previous reviews:

#50-46

#45-41

#40-36

#35 - Nightmare (1981)

(Not to be confused with Nightmares from 1983, a pleasure)

Back of the VHS Description: Nightmare is a terrifying trip into the mind of a man who is going mad - and trying desperately to stop himself.  It begins with the very nightmare that is the source of all the terror to follow: A man named george is suffering through a graphic dream that depicts the axe murder of a love-making couple.

(That's it?)

A presentation from Goldmine Productions.  I have to say, this was an interesting beginning: after the initial "scare" we get some knock-off Mike Post style music.  

But once we get going, it's the usual schlock fare.  I have to ask: just how much are we (the viewers) supposed to suspend belief?  And I'm not even talking about the plot - merely the way its shot?  I see what's happening, but the way it's done (say, a bad dream that is also a kill) is so slapdash that I'M the one that has to connect the dots that the filmmakers can't?  (Ugh, preposition)  

Whatever is there (in terms of a good idea, or random time capsule shots) is marred by things like juxtapositions in location when we're clearly in 1 setting, re-using shots (in walking scenes no less), and...ok, wasting too much energy on this one.  The redeemable qualities it has includes:

1) Genuine Times Square / 42nd Street adult clubs from 1980

2) Seemingly off-air radio from North Carolina & South Carolina

3) A C/W bar called Gatsby's

4) A character who's clearly trying to look like Tommy Chong

5) A close-up of a TWA plane landing (along with the Orlando airport), 1980

So, not a complete and total waste.

#34 - The Abomination (1986)

Back of the VHS Description: Breaking out of a hauntingly real nightmare, adolescent Cody finds himself an unwilling host to a 5,000 year old beast multiplying within and tearing out of his tortured stomach!

He is terrified when he discovers that he has become a helpless slave to an army of formless, bloody monsters tucked away in every secluded corner of his home.

Unable to resist their commands, Cody finds himself on a killing rampage filled with chainsaws and decapitations attempting to feed these ravenous, evil beasts.

Soon a whole town is terrorized with blood and scum as young Cody is transformed into an evil maniacal puppet of terror.  No one is safe anymore!  Not his friends, not his boss, not his girlfriend, not his evangelical mother, and most definitely not the deceitful television evangelist, Brother Fogg.

Naturally, this film contains multiple graphic depictions of blood, guts, and slime!

(Yowzer!)

From the first few seconds, it's blood splashes, awful effects, gigantic blood-covered monsters, shots re-used, all with sleazo synth underneath.  We are to understand that this film is written by...

While this ENTIRE MOVIE seems to have ADR dialogue & sound effects (Super 8, that'll do ya) this includes an excellent effect of a throat slashed.  (I watched it 3 times, still couldn't figure out how they did it.  Maybe he had the blood packed underneath?  Who knows - must've been real.)  As this happens the dialogue is "So you cut her throat?"  "Yes."  "Please go on."

The ADR is one thing, but when you have that going over an actor saying the same line just makes this seem dubbed.  Which, of course, makes this whole movie all the more insane.

Favorite part: upon visiting Brother Fogg, it is implied that he's in the bathroom, as we see a hand reaching for toilet paper.  We then are treated to 4 of the fakest-sounding farts this side of 2nd Grade.  I was dying!  He sprays air freshener (for good measure) and then doesn't wash his hands.  Talk about terror!

Edward Tylor was the founding father of cultural anthropology.  I wonder if there's such a thing as popular culture anthropology.  Specific to the 70's & 80s.  If not, it's something I'm starting to think that I founded: I've been studying all my life.

#33 - The Boogey Man (1980)

(Another one that was in theaters)

Back of VHS description: Look, it's insanely long and gives everything away, but it's Wizard Video, so here you go:

If we believe/know how much Halloween and Friday the 13th set the template for many a knock-off, they also set a template for construct of different plots.  Let's say the theme might be the same, then it was that film's job to either give a subtle (or otherwise) nod to those films or give their own take.  The crane shot to start is gold, and this is synth that would make anyone (even NFL Films) proud.  

The hauntings Lacey is going through are psychological, but using this as the throughline for the gore, well, that's what sets this apart.  Because instead of "crazy guy goes crazy", "crazy guy is STILL crazy", or "sane person goes crazy" it's instead the past.  (Some sort of faux-exorcism aside)  Just throwing this out there, but a question: if it's a single person (or persons) who caused harm in one's youth, does it only take their death to end the pain?  The suffering?  The, well, haunting?

For every 1 thing this movie does wrong (the music CUTS), it does 2 things right, be it awesome lighting, that super synth, Willie being seduced by, possibly, Laverne Defazio, (a very "of mice and men" ending to that scene), even a human shish kabob.  Suzanna Love, too...hoo boy.  With the good outweighing the bad, I'd recommend, but I also wonder if this film should be included in the list at all.

Moral of the story: Synth is forever good, and if someone had a traumatic experience in their youth - believe them!  

#32 - Truth or Dare?  A Critical Madness (1986)

Back of the VHS description: Truth or Dare, a child's game turned into a psychotic, twisted game of self-destruction.  This non-stop psycho-thriller packed with action will assault you personally.  Mike Strauber, played brilliantly by John Brace, formerly of the Burt Reynolds playhouse, brings you to the edge of your seat with passionate understanding coupled with unbridled hatred.  If anyone ever asks you to play Truth or Dare, tell them you saw the movie.

The Burt Reynolds Playhouse

Did you get that credit, folks?  I'm gonna say it again.  

Immediate props for a topless scene right off the bat.  Sadly, when it comes to the quality of the thing, it's the wrong things that are why this movie is even on the list.  Honestly, it's all the other things that make this film memorable: driving scenes with the same synth beat that go on WAY too long, music that cuts when a scene ends and I mean cuts (and when that doesn't happen, it's music that stops and starts again within the same scene, with nothing different happening!), those phones that could be hung up on any flat surface, the complete lack of nuanced editing and pacing, synth accenting when a character hits a car interior...

Right here I was going to put a screen capture of a "head exploding" in a mental asylum but even that didn't even look like much, sad to say.  So in sum:

One minute you're a mental hospital orderly, grooving out to music.

The next, the maniac has escaped, killing the music-lover and a patrolman, and then steals a car by missing the script supervisor's head by a good foot and a half.

#31 - The Uninvited (1987)

Back of the VHS description: Five young college students are about to receive an education in living terror.

At the Genetech Research Lab, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, scientists experiment at tampering with the forces of nature and unwittingly create a horrific and uncontrollable mutant creature.  When a group of young college student crew a luxury yacht they fall prey to a series of bloody, murderous attacks.

One by one passengers encounter the killer mutant.  Are the remaining survivors trapped in a floating coffin or can they return to the port on time...

(takes a sip of iced tea, clears throat, leans forward)

You know how many times, during this movie, I thought "OK, now I'm back on track!  This is great!"  There was some shit that brought me back to earth?

Good: (cat escaping) Scientist: Oh god, go get him!  Get the cat!

Bad: You should have cut that scene to a reaction 2 seconds before you did.

Good: Claire Carey on a boat

Bad: Having awesome practical effects and then cutting away?!

Good: George Kennedy!  On a break from playing Carter McKay on Dallas for this!

(George looks like if I somehow convinced Big Ed to star in a horror movie)

"Young broads are a pain in the ass.  (beat)  Old broads are a pain in the ass."

"I don't like you.  I don't like punk kids who think the world owes them a living."

Bad: Guy puking

Good: After George has been bitten by the cat, and freaking out, he shoots at it, giving us this shot

The more I look back at it, its ending, and other faults, I must admit I was laughing a LOT.  There are faults, yes, but there were many, many wrong choices that were so wrong I was just roaring!  Even with two then-current names (kind of stretch for Clu Gulager, but he'd been around) and more future names, as I have with some others in this experience, I have to raise my glass to this film.  They had a goal, and budget be damned, they did it.

Going Up and Down (But Up)

It is the volt to the veins.  The great reminder, of memories old and anew.  Of the first and the most recent.  There are gems of some kind just about everywhere you look.  And if there aren't any in the exact here and there, well, the anticipation of them in the very near future, YOUR future, is enough to tide you over.  

The ocean and road play cat and mouse: they are side by side, then not - the road wants you to take into green, see what's going on in towns medium, small, and next to nothing.  It knows you know the sea is very close by, and that you'll see it again if you just let the road guide you.

And so, it did, on Cinco de Mayo no less, for us to take in and celebrate.  All around us were reminders of all the rain the last handful of months.  Some good (flowers aplenty) and some not (the creeks were fine, but the sideways trees speak of a rough recent past).  After proper margarita and enchilada intake, plans began to be made.  We'd need to review just what the hell happened.

This was now a month or two afterwards, so the result was seeing how nature deals with what it wrought.  Driftwood is one thing, certainly not uncommon on any shore.  But this...

this seemed to let there be no doubt.  In April, residents and those visiting began piling it up along the shoreline, always in some sort of design.  (So much so, you'd think it had been there for decades)  This was new to me, but it likely wasn't to those south of San Simeon, some of who've seen much.  Maybe seen it all, though if we've learned anything the past 5 years weather-wise, it's a lot we've never seen before.  This will likely happen again.

That kept coming to mind as I ambled, looking at the turbulent Pacific.  Always shit going on.  What it might take of the coastline, it continues to give in waves.  A pack of surfers were doing well with a good tide considering it's near impossible for me to get out of the rack early, ever...certainly not on vacation.  I was fortified not by waves but by a breakfast burrito and hot sauce from Gilroy, but then again, the waves kept me moving.  Deep, slow breaths.

I wanted the coast to be my guide this time.  Paso Robles, maybe another visit. Hey, by the way, I saw a sign for town that, I swear, said its population was 18 people.  Is that true?  I'm pleased to report that it IS true.  A small dairy farm used to be here, now moved south to SLO where you can get help and run a business, but descendants (and others) stayed.  What's left, besides trespassing, was a barn with plenty of homemade wares and freshly made ice cream.  The kind where you eat it and realize that what you're tasting is how it's supposed to taste, why it became so popular, the kind that you'll think of when you're at someone else's place and you're given some slop you take to be polite and, after one lovin' spoonful, let melt to then toss out.

There is a collage of memories afterwards, though what stands out was The Big Scoop beating grown adults over and over again at bar shuffleboard.  She might have eaten 4 or 5 desserts that day as well.  I was complimented (in a roundabout way) on her personality and spirit and I kept to myself stuff like "yeah, but does she wake you up at 3:30AM because she can't find her pillow in the dark?"

The following day brought more of the same.  This is not a stretch where you're looking for the next truck stop.  You're looking for the next place to stop and look out, get out, and roam.  I can think of 2 states like that.  Hawaii is the other.  So, there you go.

It was a strengthening by mother nature, one that is always there but never in the same place 365 days a year.  You find it, and it gives life.  It gives strength.  It gives you just enough energy to make it to Buellton and Solvang.  Solvang for a hearty meal (do they make any other kind there?) and wandering.  Buellton to feed ostriches, as you do.  You can also take in what was, and what is.  20 years ago, this Summer, I started in Carpinteria and then ambled north.  It was a true vacation with no plans, the kind you can take at that age.  Somewhere in Los Olivos (maybe at the Cafe?  I don't exactly remember) I'm forced to share my profession with a local.  "Oh, really?  You know, a film company came to scout.  There's going to be a movie filmed around here in a couple months."  That's cool, I thought, never knowing what would happen.  

What was - Days Inn.  Outside of the windmill, an average motel I chose not to stay in due to the proximity to the main drag & the 101.  Now?  It's the "Sideways Inn" with fire pits and "an out of this world gym."  Driving past it, as expected, the Hitching Post II was packed.  In that brief flash along 246, all I could think of was a line from the bartender, where he says a busload of old people showed up.  That's what this area has endured, for good and bad, for the past 2 decades.  

Is that the same kind of evolution that you find along the coast?  That storms of any kind can come along, and with it some things stay while others are washed to sea?  Like any good thing, there is an eagerness to see what's changed, what's the same, all the while thankful to the eternal: that the coast, in its evolving form, will always be there.