It's nice, in today's day and age, to be able to count on things...especially in March. For example, what can YOU always count on each March?
A) Weather getting better (location permitting)
B) Flowers beginning to bloom
C) Steve Alford finding a way to fill that diaper
When watching the MEAC conference tournament last year, you ordered a commemorative T shirt. When it arrived weeks later, the 2XL size was too small. To ensure the purchase wasn't a total loss you
A) Wear it as an undershirt
B) Wear it when you go to the library to check out CDs
C) Wrote off the $32.58 on your taxes as an "educational donation."
Over the last week or so, I struggled through less-than-exciting basketball games, wondering what could fill the precious little evening viewing time I have...and then I realized: I'm only halfway done with this quest! I shall return!
For those of you finding this randomly:
#25 - Class of Nuke 'em High (1986)
Back of VHS Description: Straight-A honor students mutate into a blood-thirsty gang of punked-out bikers. Shy young couples turn into lust-crazed sex-weasels. And a putrid, flesh-eating slime-monster lurks in the basement. Just another school day...at Tromaville High! The strangeness begins when highly radioactive sludge from the neighboring nuclear power plant seeps onto campus. Soon, discipline crumbles, morals go out the window and mega-volt rock 'n roll madness takes over the student body! As the hideous mutant organism in the school basement continues to grow, so does the virulent outbreak of bizarre and violent behavior. It's a crash course in genetically deranged humor for the kids - and creatures - of "The Class of Nuke 'Em High!" An outrageous dose of Nuclear Age adventure from the makers of the cult classic "Toxic Avenger!"
Just going to revisit this film led me to think back to those first viewings of such Troma films as this, Squeeze Play, and Troma's War. Pretty sure I first saw Squeeze Play heavily edited on USA, and then later in my Hollywood Video days. Troma's War might have been even before working at the video store (Troma's War has one of my favorite video box quotes of all time: "Not a REAL war, but who cares?!"). Toxie would fit somewhere in that timeline, too. But Nuke 'em High I remember, but bits and pieces...I think?
With all the subtlety of a frying pan to the face, the Troma Team knows what they're doing and why you're watching. Give it to em!
"I don't give a wet fart what you think!"
"Unless you want Kathy here to see your EARS ripped off, I suggest you make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here!"
"Gross, huh? You shoulda seen the girl I picked up at the video arcade on Saturday. SHE was GROSS. What a hairy ass!"
(The 1980's - what a time: where people are force-fed joints, and wearing plastic leis meant PARTY)
The scene seconds before this screenshot (taken not to ruin it for those who haven't seen it in decades)
Why this film is not in constant rotation with other crazy low-budget 80s films, I don't know. Then again, maybe I'm the one who is late to the party. But this is a party I'm not leaving any time soon, because if you're looking to see a nuclear waste-controlled man punch another down his throat, well, you're my kind of person. Video trash? Sure - I think everyone would agree. Dumpster dive into this one for a trip down memory lane. No, the 1980s weren't perfect despite what I wrote above (so much of the dialogue wouldn't fly today, and that's a good thing) but don't shy away - sift through this bin and see what you can find.
#24 - Night of the Demon (1980)
Back of the VHS description: In shock and pain after being found in the forest with his face mutilated and most of the skin burnt away, Professor Nugent insists that the American legend of the "Big Foot" monster is true. A group from the University's anthropology class, including the young daughter of the dead fisherman, set out to uncover the mystery. The group are eventually trapped by the demon, only to die in the most gruesome blood bath ever filmed.
(Way to give away the whole fucking movie)
Alas, the VHS box does include this reassuring note:
Oh - this is in color? Great!
I'll save you time - this is not good. Let's focus on the positives. The music, even if not made for the film, is pleasing. There are also names.
The art director is David Gooch. The script comes from a story by Jim L. Ball. The director of photography is John Quick.
But the film is on this list for 1 reason, and 1 organ only:
#23 - The Deadly Spawn (1983)
Back of the VHS description: Imagine a meteor, hurtling through space for a billion, billion years. It smashes into an isolated part of the earth's surface and unleashes deadly mutating spores. As they grow, the spores only want to do one thing - EAT - anything or anyone will do to satisfy their hunger. Their arrival was unnoticed but their presence was soon experienced by everyone.
16mm!!!
Look, man, this is the opposite of the dreck I previously watched: at least these guys are doing their best with what they have (which is, apparently, next to nothing...or they spent it all on the monster) so let's look at some money saving ideas:
Kills
Can be done by tossing a spoonful of blood on a character's glasses.
By Sound-effect
By shadow against a wall
Blood drops from a test tube on the floor
Effects themselves
Projecting a light behind a white sheet, showing only the shadow
Establishing shots can come from a model railroad
Plow through these issues
Hiring an actress to whisk eggs in a scene and, though it's apparent she doesn't know how, leave it in
When a table-full of actors talk over each other, remind the viewer that's what happens in real life
It's OK to focus on 1 character and cut to a different camera angle, still on the same character
Combine all that, add some synth for spice, and well, you've got a worthy entry in this list!
#22 - Death Spa (1988)
Back of the VHS description: Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. This one is shapely, beautiful, demonic...and dead. She's also insanely jealous - and one by one, the beautiful people of her husband's health club become victims possessed by her evil spirit...and each meets a grisly death. Check this one out...it's from the people who brought you "FACES OF DEATH", and it's not recommended for the Squeamish. In this spa, you'll sweat blood!
My only measuring stick is this vs. Killer Workout but hold on - I know exactly where this opening was filmed. For a time, I lived a little over a block from here - this is the intersection of Sunset (we see the classic Marlboro cowboy billboard by the Chateau Marmont) and Crescent Heights. This was a double decker strip mall with a McDonald's inside (that had a movie marque showing the latest sale) and a bank in front...I think a Washington Mutual but something before that...holy shit. OK, for personal effect alone this rules already.
Now let's take a look at this cast - the late great Merritt Butrick of Square Pegs and Zapped! fame (and maybe a Star Trek in there somewhere). Alexa Hamilton of the infamous TV Movie pilot The Invisible Woman. A lot of other recognizable faces, too.
I freely admit - I haven't returned to a health club since Covid. I don't need mouth breathers surrounding me as I attempt some semblance of fitness. However, if a health club looked like this, I'd change my mind:
Pastel walls in various shapes, upbeat synth, people just getting on and off weights and nautilus equipment. Even if my workout would be interrupted by undercover cops wearing white suits.
"Where were you last night between 9 and 11?"
"At home. Hacking."
---
"How does a god damn diving board just break loose?"
"Somebody messed with the bolts."
---
"A word, David."
"Can we keep it to that?"
---
"Why don't you show off for me?"
"I never waste effort in the gym. Besides, I'm Beta, you're VHS."
---
---
"I'm putting the machines on manual. And that's the end of that."
(reverse low five)
"I like it."
---
---
I think Merritt and I have the same hair.
Unfortunately, in a movie like this, you have actors with skill and experience mixed with some with, well, less than, and you wouldn't notice this that much unless they're together. In this film, it's nearly every scene. I guess one's spleen could rupture when you couldn't let go of a chest fly machine. I guess someone could survive falling 20 feet from the ceiling to the floor and get up like they tripped.
It's up to you, reader, to determine if this is better, worse, or the same as Killer Workout. That's all I can ask of you.
#21 - Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)
Back of the VHS description: The only sane survivor of SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE, Courtney (CRYSTAL BERNARD) dreams of the drill murderer returning. She can't shake the horrible feeling that she and her friends will be viciously tormented and brutally butchered. Again and again the nightmare returns. Dazed, Courtney loses control. And her nightmare crosses into reality. No one believes her, until it's too late. The driller killer returns, reincarnated as an evil rocker. He methodically stalks them; then violently gores them to death...one by one. Mixing elements of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET with TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, one the fittest can survive - SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II!
(Spoiler alert: this film is a stretch at over 70 minutes)
In movies such as these, while there has to be some element of plot setup, you'd like to see some early, if even brief, view of why we're watching. Show us even a sneak peak...a preview...anything. While we get the form of a nightmare at the start, this film begins with garage band antics, someone actually requesting a Slice soda, and a "student's" room with a poster that actually says "Football." This movie, for what it's supposed to be, takes WAY TOO LONG TO GET GOING.
Poor Courtney. There's a dog barking outside every fucking minute she's home. Is that an in-joke or did they not know the difference?
"These are killer corn dogs."
Sometimes movies like these can be too self-aware. And some of the winks can be appreciated. But after a while...I don't know. I wanted it to either be a genial comedy of an all-girl band working out a new album in a rental condo, or something closer to Slumber Party Massacre. I just don't know. It's like this movie blatantly has a very specific first half and second half that almost don't go together.
(When a bathtub fills with blood intercut with a killer electric guitar riff...that ruled. When the giant zit...well, that was gold. Drill-tar in action: a winner)
I guess most of the cast gave up the acting life, and that's a shame, too. Crystal Bernard was funny, relatable, and cute. After "Wings" and a brief country music career...vanished. Juliette Cummins could have done drama & comedy, but apparently never got the chance. Kim McArthur was on Santa Barbara (a good spot for her) and then disappeared.
Maybe, another viewing will help, but there are so many others on the list!
I wonder if I'm alone in thinking that the Times Square New Year's Eve specials have become a downer? Multiple stages line the street so that someone you have (or likely haven't) heard of can sing "Imagine" to cut the happy mood immediately. Then, from there, the countdown begins with a surprisingly low amount of audience volume...and "Aud Lang Syne" is trimmed to include the well-overplayed "New York, New York." What follows is another downer - "What a Wonderful World." I noticed, watching this 3 hours behind, that roughly 10 minutes later as the new year began in New York, the streets were about "back to normal" as one could ever expect. Amazing how it's devolved into...well, this.
To get that old feeling back, I fired up Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve from 1981 into 1982. Why wouldn't I?! As we begin with Dick showing a frenzied crowd who shut down the area:
we then go to the ABC Television Center in Hollywood for the Rocking Eve!
I don't have many regrets, but looking back, one was not taking up this invitation: each year while I was at ABC, I was asked if I wanted to attend the Hollywood portion of New Year's Rocking Eve. It's taped roughly a month before, and the only other direction was to wear "party clothes." That interpretation was left up to you. One year I was in Hawaii, but the other 2 I could have attended. I should have attended. What a curio it would be to find oneself on camera then...but especially now, with all the time past. I don't think I'd be invited anymore.
I can look at the artists I missed (Luda, Rihanna) and then see that as the clock turned to 1982, we were treated to the Ricks of 1981:
