The Lava's

Just in case you weren't sure about how my brain works, I want to give you an example:

After working in the backyard for a while and doing the kind of tasks that only beer can compliment, I knew it was time to wash up before snack time.  "If I had Lava soap, this would be gone in no time.  You know, this reminds me of a commercial from my youth.  I wonder if it's on YouTube."

It is, thanks to a fellow angel.  It was nearly as a I remembered it...but what I didn't realize then was that this could have easily made for a theme song for a sitcom.  The Lava's, new on ABC, Fridays at 9, 8 Central.  From Miller/Boyett productions.

We have a goofy dad, a hard-working wife, approximately 3...no, 4 kids.  (2 of each gender)  We even have the stuffy Grandma to come over and act as a foil for one of this family's wacky adventures.  Each episode is set on Saturday; that seems to be the day when the Lava family is up to it's usual very long list of tasks...and none of them go right!

It seems like it's going to be a nice day, so the Lava family decide to take out some of those things surrounding the Oldsmobile.  Gotta clean the grill if we're going to grill tonight and...who would have thought?  Old charcoal!  The "extreme" son, with the nickname "Spike" is going to spray paint his bike neon green (as you did in 1990) but here's what he gets for laughing at Dad's misfortune: spray paint right on the skin!  Feels like fun!

Grandma Lava comes by, uninvited, to give her opinions (also uninvited) on just what is going on here...looks like Scamps the dog wants to say hi!  And no, Grandma, those muddy paws won't just wipe off!

Have you ever cleaned the log holder in the fireplace?  Have you ever wanted to?  Have you ever needed to?  Mrs. Lava is finding out the hard way this was not a wise idea in the first place!

Debbie Lava, their oldest child, is not immune from tasks this Saturday.  Yes, the exposed wood door frame can stay that way no more!  She seems to think she can talk to her friend Staci AND paint at the same time...watch out for that paint dipping from the brush!  (laugh track)

The little Lava, Junior, gets a lot of "AWWWWWs" from the laugh track, but Debbie is in no mood for his B.S., especially when she's on the phone.  Look out, Junior!

Dad has already proven his difficulty with the grill...hell, he's been in the driveway all day.  He's lined the inside with aluminum foil (to prevent his wife from wanting to clean it, I guess) but has a little trouble with the charcoal!  Dad, you open it that way, you get...well, you get that!

This young Lava girl is just making a mess for mess' sake, and...well, the scuttlebutt is that they might write this character out for season 2.  They're having trouble finding storylines for her.

Well, another episode, the Lava's have learned some lessons and forgotten others, and let the credits roll.  Stay tuned for Just the Ten of Us!

Whadda ya want? Wicker?!

I'll tell you this - if I have to fucking stay up late to goof off, then it really isn't goofing off, is it?  If I have to fight just to have time during the day to actually do my shit and play 48, how can I balance it all out?  I can't.

Talk.  It's constant talk.  Worse than any office I've been in, and I've been in some awful situations...but in some I could close the door.  In others, when it was bad, I could simply stop working and start fucking around because if they valued my job, they wouldn't put me in a bus terminal, would they?

"Trip?"
What?
(pause)  "Um...-"
Good pacing.  Come back and try to think of something to say in 5 minutes.

I relayed, in pure dismay, that I had just been forced to spend the last hour as a science teacher (a role that does not suit me in any way unless we're talking "consumer chemistry") and then back on the old saw horse.  My colleague simply said "I have no idea what you're talking about!  Lol"  Never more have I wanted to smack a genuine friend in the back of the head than that moment.

What's this?  It's semi-retired relatives who find current societal norms not that bad..."we're taking more naps, reading, catching up on stuff around the house."  As opposed to...what, your normal schedule?

"You have to make the time" is a mantra often used...but how does it fit now?  Toss in guilt and annoyance in addition with your current and newfound responsibility...and there truly isn't any more time.  The day is booked solid and I'm rarely leaving the house.  This is how it is, and if you want to keep a check coming in, the shit keeps a shoveling.

But who do you tell besides fellow citizens in this exact predicament?  They and they alone are the only ones who are sharing this experience.  You lock eyes (from a distance, of course) and don't even get to shake your head.  You're both mentally exhausted.  Not a word is exchanged.  We both know this to be true.  It will be remembered forever.  For the rest of our days.

Super Boomers, without prompting or being asked, offer up suggestions because they have too much time on their hands.  They can only watch so much news, try to understand their phone, or bemoan shopping hours without offering unsolicited advice.  "I have an idea.  You know what you could do?"

"I know what you CAN do"