Well, there it was...something that I wondered if it could/would happen years from now. Only history will tell everyone if this was the right move or not...but there she was, taking too long as usual, early morning happiness gone by the time of the walk to school. It was like "before" just as the whole hope and point of today was getting back to "before" in as best a way as we can. I lingered longer than was desired by others, and then I couldn't wait to get home.
It was a bittersweet feeling, and I don't know that I expected it or that this return to "before" was the point. I was happy we were attempting this, but "lingering dread" didn't use to be part of my personality, particularly in relation to the Big Scoop herself, her education, or anything like that. But there it was, and it was tough shaking it...if I fully did at all.
I had a Summer where she was at camp, one that, when it began, seemed even closer to "before" than we are now. Those early drop-offs were one of happy befuddlement. I only looked back once. It was good fortune, and I moved forward. And I know I should remember that we're closer to that than otherwise. But because this is school, it's hard not shaking the feelings. As with other parents, we'd talk during Summer vacation like old salts at the VFW, knowing horror on we could speak of, that no on else could really understand. I thought back to a scene from Kramer vs. Kramer:
The Big Scoop is older. Kool-Aid was never spilled on important documents. But what's happening in this scene was nearly 18 months of my life. If this picture or thinking of this scene brings you a laugh, well, there were comedic moments during that time but it was never funny. If you don't have a kid, well, of course it means nothing to you. Why not think selfishly when thinking of yourself? That there is no understanding by those without kids, from my employer, even my spouse...I'll never get over that. And just as I was saying a moment ago, maybe that's selfish, too, because I'm talking about myself...but in that very same 18 month run, I couldn't do that, could I?
But it's over. Is it over? If it is over, may we never speak of it again. If everyone else couldn't understand it then, they won't in the future. I'll stay quiet on it until, years later, it'll come up. Someone will ask. I'll shake my head. A flood of emotions. The future will "before", I hope it will be, but I'll never be "before" again.
