Family Circle - October 25, 1983

Long ago (though not as long ago as this magazine) I received a large envelope from the Twin Farms.  I figured it to be a month's-worth of Sunday coupons, or maybe more junk I don't need (that's why it's still there).  The junk I speak of is more along the lines of "now that you've looked at this, you can throw it out."  But upon opening, I saw just this, along with a note:

"Hi honey, found this at work and thought you'd enjoy it!  Love Mom"

See - now we're talking.  I didn't know you saved the old band programs, but you can ace those at your leisure.  Don't even waste the money on the postage!  But this...well, I'm just going to have to dig into this one - 40 years later!

We've got a lot to take in just by looking at the cover.  There's no real cover headline, but there are some intriguing claims: "Bike your way to fitness" you say?  Tell me how.  A suggestion of the world's best chocolate chip cookies better explain the green, mopey-looking cookies in a jar towards the back.  Who isn't crazy for cheesecake, but who wants to actually make the stuff yourself?  40 stocking-stuffers for next to nothing?  Considering the Big Scoop's behavior over the past few months, I'm not planning on spending a lot of dough re mi, so this might work out.  Let's take this to the counter of Thrifty's and give them the 3 quarters for this issue.  What's inside?  Well, I'm not scanning everything, but some highlights:

The cover has a fold-out for Purina Cat Chow, which features the "chow, chow, chow" jingle and something called "Country Blend" cat food which advertises "MORE REAL CHICKEN LIVER & CHEESE FLAVOR"  A few pages later is a 2-page ad for Congoleum showing a large baby nursery (complete with wallpaper, because this is 1983) which begs the question: 40 years ago, what was better: a carpet or linoleum when it came to a baby safely crawling around?  It is the "most stain-resistant, durable, no-wax vinyl floor you can buy."  Tough choice.

The "Readers Exchange" and "Parent to Parent" sections are where our readers share ideas, recipes, and the like.  Even if these seem like no-brainers, writers received $50 from the magazine ($154.50 today - righteous bucks) if printed.  

They were young, urban professionals.  They worked hard and played hard.  They were players, and now they have a cigarette all their own.  Shouldn't these have been called "Playas"?  Making big deals and smokin' at the bar?  Play on, playa!  Do yo thang!

Photo evidence shows I was trick or treating through the majority of the 1980's.  One parent would go out with friends of mine and myself (though it was always a battle on who had to go along - wouldn't you rather stay home and have the wife answer the door?) and we'd zig zag around the block.  The fervor listed here in this article also lasted long throughout the 1980's.  Rules I remember, all these years later: don't go to the brown duplex on the corner.  (That's also a life lesson)  Don't eat generic candy - if the wrapper doesn't say anything, forget it.  If the people or candy are weird, just be nice and polite and get the hell out of there.  

One house always gave out ballpoint pens.  Another was a realtor and gave our calendars.  One year, a woman demanded a trick before giving treats.  I think I did rudimentary gymnastics I learned in P.E. or something.  Got 2 candies!  Did you ever get fruit on Halloween?  I always heard of the razors in apples, but never knew anyone who dealt with it for real.  By the way, look at the list of safety rules: "9: Give children small trick-or-treat bags that will fill up quickly.  This will speed up their return home."  The hell it will - you either start eating it, or trade out stuff you don't like, or dump the bad stuff along the way.  A safety rule when visiting my house: if you're a kid, you actually have to say "trick or treat" or in the least "please" - showing up and just opening your bag gets you nuthin'.  If you're a teen who's barely dressed up, I will of course accommodate you because I'd like my home to remain the same.  Beers are also given out upon request.

"Go ahead!  Indulge yourself."  They'll pay the postage if you choose the deluxe version for $5.50.  Can you tell Claudia Collette's version of "Norell" from the...wait a minute, there's a perfume called "Opium"?  The hell?

A cool temperature, quiet, and dark.  Doesn't exactly seem surprising to read this - "play tapes of soothing sounds."  We've been doing this for years, of course.  Get the tapes.  By the way, look at the interpretations of sleep positions - are we sure that position 6 has to be given that name?

The "Crazy for Cheesecake" section starts off with something called "Italian Molded Refrigerator Cheesecake" that looks, well, less than appetizing.  The 2nd recipe is "Almost Lindy's Cheesecake" which, if I'm correct, invented the dish.  Might as well eat almost the same recipe.  Also included is "Macaroon Rum Raisin Cheesecake" and something referred as "Refrigerator Loaf Cheesecake."  What's with all the fridge loafs?

 

I don't know how far in advance this was sold (like how Playboy was a month ahead), but the World Series was over by a couple of weeks by the time of this publication.  40 years later, the Orioles still wait for another - I have an anecdote about that which, I'm afraid, I can't share here.

Of the 101 gifts you can make yourself, the #33 (plaid party dress) looks like if I was tasked with making a dress.  You'd ask why I used so much fabric, and I would say back that I hadn't planned on that, but I'm making it work.  How about the festive bow on top?  

One of the cover topics was "1983 House of Ideas: Decorating touches to add warmth & charm."  In the event you may see homes (even your own) with solid color walls and solid color furniture and think it looks modern, just remember that many of us had to grow up in rooms such as these where you literally had to walk out and ask the room to stop.  Slow down, room.  Enough.

The "World's Best Chocolate Chip Cookies" is only a 2-page photo spread, a brief tribute to inventor Ruth Wakefield and then 9 recipes.  (Was the invention a "happy accident" or did she really intend for this to happen?  She said she meant to do it.)  The weird green cookies are chocolate chip pistachio cookies.  The recipe includes "1 package pistachio-flavored instant pudding and pie filling."

Like you, many times I've enjoyed Hamburger Helper and wondered "might I enjoy this more if it were soup?"  They're giving you a recipe to do just that and (out of frame) a 15-cent coupon...with no expiration date!  Many times, I've wanted to bring this coupon to the store just to see the response, but that would make this incomplete, so there it stays.  Speaking of, there's also an ad for Lite Chicken of the Sea tuna fish ("Tuna for the 80's...and beyond") with a 20-cent coupon, no expiration date either.  

A crisp, late-Autumn morning on the farm.  It's this time of year that you know the flavor really counts.  This recipe form Land O Lakes is for a jeweled cheese ball but look at the ingredients.  8 ounces cheddar cheese, 1/2 cup butter softened, and some brandy is actually an alcoholic drink.  It's called The Potsy.

Jack Klugman's lunch was all set.  Cheesesteak and iced tea.  Who the hell is this kid taking Quincy's food?  I think I convinced my mom to buy these once, but she never made them, and it went bad.  Kind of hard to tell, too.  I didn't realize Klugman was a Philly guy, so now this makes sense.  He also made it to 90 despite all his health challenges.

A recurring segment on The David Letterman Show (that didn't make it to Late Night) was reviewing mail-order items "from the back of cheap, sleazy magazines."  Dave would show the ad and then the item and riff on it.  There were pages and pages of this kind of stuff in the back.  "Letters from Santa" - for $1.25 each.  What a deal.  "ADORE UNICORNS?  HAVE A PASSION FOR DRAGONS?"  You'll send $1 to Beasties & Beauties in Buffalo, NY.  There are a lot of Beasties & Beauties in Buffalo.  ZING

The final ad is for Armstrong Glazecraft vinyl tile flooring.  This seems to be a nice bookend to the decorating of the time: In a room with loud wallpaper and linoleum flooring, an 80's lady walks in wearing a plaid head-to-toe dress.  On the food tray, she has a jeweled cheese ball, Steak-Umms sandwiches and Hamburger Helper soup for dinner.  We smile warmly at each other, discussing the topics of the day: Halloween candy safety, sleep positions, and the World Series.  As the meal is finished, we share a tender moment and I ask "Oh, is that one of the world's greatest perfumes you're wearing?" 

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #30-26

(Begins clearing desk)  OK!  It's October, let's get back on this quest!  Where was I?

For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30 - Day of the Reaper (1984)

Back of the VHS Description: Warning!  This film contains scenes of violence which may be considered shocking!

Tim Ritter did Truth or Dare?: A Critical Madness in my last batch, and this one comes from when he was in high school. However, I'm afraid this title is getting a pass from me.  Congratulations to Tim on getting a distribution deal for this film...but you can only take so much ADR and 10 to 15-minute chunks of "exposition."  So, to give credit to where credit is due, instead here is a screen cap from A Closer Look at Prohibition, directed by Mike Wilson.

#29 - Slugs (1988)

Back of the VHS Description: It all began in a peaceful community, a place that had never known evil...until now.  But 20 years ago in a stillness beneath the waters, something sinister happened and now its deadly spawn has been released, coming out from the depths into the light.  First they got into the water system, now they'll get into your system...how can they be stopped?

Not just Slugs, Slugs The Movie.

"Since when are the god damn sewers MY business?"  Who said that?  Mike Brady said that.  No, not Robert Reed, Mike Brady, town health inspector.  Additionally, hockey legend Jaromir Jagr makes a cameo appearance as a "senior in high school"

Maureen: David, I'm sorry for being a bitch so much of the time.

David: You're not a bitch.  I think the real problem is--

Maureen: My drinking.  I know.  It's getting the upper hand on me.  Maybe I should see someone about it.

David: You mean it?

Maureen: I can't risk losing you.  

But those cramps David has, the strange taste in his mouth, the salty salad?  The general unease the next day at a big business lunch?  The bloody nose?  Well, that isn't an "80's bloody nose" (as is referred to around here)  

Just before he rots from the inside out, David's nosebleed (which fell into his drink) is now...well, almost dry, but continuity is something that lives in another genre.  These slugs are in the food, in the sewers, they're, well, everywhere!

With the body count increasing, and the carnage at the greenhouse just being discovered by the sheriff, Mike Brady has had enough, especially when slugs are coming out of the kitchen faucet.

Line reading of the movie: Mike Brady to Officer Dobbs:

"Look, now listen to me Dobbs you tell that fat bastard to get his ASS over to Frank Phillips office immediately you GOT THAT?"

Lessons learned:

- A dog's instincts are always right.

- You can have beers that you ordered arrive at your table and then just get up and leave.

- Local news theme music can be used as a score.

- Sewer inspectors often take their masks off when they're cleaning out drainage pipes.  

- School bell, fire alarm, what difference does it make?

In the end, especially after watching Day of the Reaper, this was a refreshing return to normal.  (Or, what passes for it on this list)

#28 - Slime City (1988)

Back of the VHS Description: An old N.Y.C. apartment building sets the scene for this terror drenched tale of demonic possession.

Thirty years ago a powerful alchemist named Zachary ordered all of his disciples to commit suicide with him in the basement of his tenement.  Zachary's wife remained with the living in order to procure host bodies for the reincarnation of the souls of the self slain.

As the landlord of this run-down building she supplies the tenants with Zachary's potent "Himalayan yogurt" and home grown grain which are quite irreversibly addictive.  The hapless consumers cannot quench their thirst for the powerful hallucinatory effect which seems to turn them inro oozing slime drenched creatures bent on violence.  By the time it becomes apparent to the victims that these are by no means hallucinations, the transmigration of souls is almost complete.

The tale centers around Alex, and aspiring art student, who rents a flat in the forsaken building and is being groomed as the host for Zachary himself.  His desperate struggle to remain sane as (remaining unintelligible on the box I found)

(Breathes deep, exhales)  Well, since the synopsis of the entire movie is on the box, is it any good?

Once upon a time, this was the kind of film that could have easily made it in a grindhouse.  New York-shot, it has that grime.  But then, I think back to all of the other movies shot in college, and I remember the interiors of northeast apartments, the shotgun mic barely picking up dialogue, the stilted acting, the unnecessary cuts (and other scenes where there SHOULD be a cut)...it all came back to me.  This, I tell you with grave certainty, is not a positive.

Now, with that out of the way, let's look at our main character going to his side job:

Galaxy Video!  However, after eating a neighbor's "dinner" and having sex with the mysterious lady down the hall, things suddenly turn back and white?  Introduction to Filmmaking, M/W 3-5PM.

OK, I've said enough.  Feh to this whole thing as a movie.  You can have it.  But as a pile of amazing make up work?  Well, take a look and you tell me!

#27 - Killer Workout (1987)

Back of the VHS Description: They came to get their bodies into the best shape of their lives...too bad they'll never have the chance to enjoy it.  In the locker room...in the showers...in the weight room...even in the parking lot.  Someone is turning the most beautiful bodies in town into a grisly, brutal body count.  Now, nobody's safe.  There's no place to hide.

HOLY SHIT THIS FILM WAS ALSO TITLED "AEROBICIDE"

To preface this review: it's shot on film here in LA and the environs, so just by that alone (city streets, parking signs, etc.) it looks like a pilot that wasn't picked up.  That is a good thing.

At first, however, I was confused: we start off with a death by tanning bed, but even in execution (pun, well, intended, I suppose), it doesn't make sense: is the bed haunted?  Is it actually a flying saucer?  Eh, let it go, because we're on to the first aerobic montage.

Let's sing along!

Hey Baby, I got the apple

Red and juicy, warm and sweet

All the laughter and the lovin'

That your hungry lips can eat

Only you, tonight

My one desire

Only you, tonight

'Cause Baby, you set the fire

What'cha see ain't what you get

The truth don't know for sure

Love'll blind you, and you'll forget

The things you'll wanna know

Only you, tonight

My one desire

Only you, tonight

When the instructors at Rhonda's Workout keep turning down the sleazy advances of a customer, ominous music plays.  Later, another innocent exercise student buys the farm via giant safety pin. 

In-between convertible rides, Diet Pepsi, bikini reveals, kills, and chases to the soundtrack to 8-bit Double Dragon, are more aerobic montages.  And then, even more.   For a gym with an active and growing body count, the business continues apace.

Unfortunate plot holes:

- As the film begins, a woman puts leftovers in a microwave and then leaves her apartment.

- "Aerobicide" and "Death Spa" are spray-painted on the front of the gym.  It is never seen again in any establishing shots.

- (More that are specific to the plot that I'll let you find for yourself)

It's a REAL stretch to get to over an hour for this film, but it's unintentionally hilarious many times over.  You'll get the point much earlier than the ending, but however long you'll last in this workout, you won't forget it.

#27 - Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

Back of the VHS Description: In Silent Night Deadly Night Part 1, you witnessed the brutal slaughters and cold-blooded rampage of Billy.  

Now...it's his young brothers' turn.  Ricky, adopted as an orphan, coming from a secure and supportive family, suddenly turns violent after discovering that his lover is two-timing him.  

His memory is triggered back to the death of his parents by "Santa Claus" forcing Ricky to snap...going off the deep end.  He is driven by an urge to kill and kill again, seeking vengeance on those who have double-crossed and deceived him...and anyone else who gets in his way!  This is one Santa story you don't want to tell your kids.

As I think most of our readers know, there is maybe a half hour of new material in this sequel, and what is here is all over the map.  Long ago (I think it might have been on Mike's forum site) I detailed how I saw the first movie at the New Beverly with the director or one of the writers in attendance.  They were great anecdotes, but they don't really apply to this...and I always wondered if the original writers got credit on this one as well because there was so much of their original work in this movie.

But let's just say this - go watch the "Garbage Day" scene in its entirety.  It doesn't have to make sense in-between all you watch today, but it doesn't have to.  It's just fucking nutty ("I'm gonna slip these cuffs on...and no funny stuff!").  

So it goes with this list.  When it comes to looking ahead...do I dare?!