(Begins clearing desk) OK! It's October, let's get back on this quest! Where was I?
For those of you finding this randomly:
#30 - Day of the Reaper (1984)
Back of the VHS Description: Warning! This film contains scenes of violence which may be considered shocking!
Tim Ritter did Truth or Dare?: A Critical Madness in my last batch, and this one comes from when he was in high school. However, I'm afraid this title is getting a pass from me. Congratulations to Tim on getting a distribution deal for this film...but you can only take so much ADR and 10 to 15-minute chunks of "exposition." So, to give credit to where credit is due, instead here is a screen cap from A Closer Look at Prohibition, directed by Mike Wilson.
#29 - Slugs (1988)
Back of the VHS Description: It all began in a peaceful community, a place that had never known evil...until now. But 20 years ago in a stillness beneath the waters, something sinister happened and now its deadly spawn has been released, coming out from the depths into the light. First they got into the water system, now they'll get into your system...how can they be stopped?
Not just Slugs, Slugs The Movie.
"Since when are the god damn sewers MY business?" Who said that? Mike Brady said that. No, not Robert Reed, Mike Brady, town health inspector. Additionally, hockey legend Jaromir Jagr makes a cameo appearance as a "senior in high school"
Maureen: David, I'm sorry for being a bitch so much of the time.
David: You're not a bitch. I think the real problem is--
Maureen: My drinking. I know. It's getting the upper hand on me. Maybe I should see someone about it.
David: You mean it?
Maureen: I can't risk losing you.
But those cramps David has, the strange taste in his mouth, the salty salad? The general unease the next day at a big business lunch? The bloody nose? Well, that isn't an "80's bloody nose" (as is referred to around here)
Just before he rots from the inside out, David's nosebleed (which fell into his drink) is now...well, almost dry, but continuity is something that lives in another genre. These slugs are in the food, in the sewers, they're, well, everywhere!
With the body count increasing, and the carnage at the greenhouse just being discovered by the sheriff, Mike Brady has had enough, especially when slugs are coming out of the kitchen faucet.
Line reading of the movie: Mike Brady to Officer Dobbs:
"Look, now listen to me Dobbs you tell that fat bastard to get his ASS over to Frank Phillips office immediately you GOT THAT?"
Lessons learned:
- A dog's instincts are always right.
- You can have beers that you ordered arrive at your table and then just get up and leave.
- Local news theme music can be used as a score.
- Sewer inspectors often take their masks off when they're cleaning out drainage pipes.
- School bell, fire alarm, what difference does it make?
In the end, especially after watching Day of the Reaper, this was a refreshing return to normal. (Or, what passes for it on this list)
#28 - Slime City (1988)
Back of the VHS Description: An old N.Y.C. apartment building sets the scene for this terror drenched tale of demonic possession.
Thirty years ago a powerful alchemist named Zachary ordered all of his disciples to commit suicide with him in the basement of his tenement. Zachary's wife remained with the living in order to procure host bodies for the reincarnation of the souls of the self slain.
As the landlord of this run-down building she supplies the tenants with Zachary's potent "Himalayan yogurt" and home grown grain which are quite irreversibly addictive. The hapless consumers cannot quench their thirst for the powerful hallucinatory effect which seems to turn them inro oozing slime drenched creatures bent on violence. By the time it becomes apparent to the victims that these are by no means hallucinations, the transmigration of souls is almost complete.
The tale centers around Alex, and aspiring art student, who rents a flat in the forsaken building and is being groomed as the host for Zachary himself. His desperate struggle to remain sane as (remaining unintelligible on the box I found)
(Breathes deep, exhales) Well, since the synopsis of the entire movie is on the box, is it any good?
Once upon a time, this was the kind of film that could have easily made it in a grindhouse. New York-shot, it has that grime. But then, I think back to all of the other movies shot in college, and I remember the interiors of northeast apartments, the shotgun mic barely picking up dialogue, the stilted acting, the unnecessary cuts (and other scenes where there SHOULD be a cut)...it all came back to me. This, I tell you with grave certainty, is not a positive.
Now, with that out of the way, let's look at our main character going to his side job:
Galaxy Video! However, after eating a neighbor's "dinner" and having sex with the mysterious lady down the hall, things suddenly turn back and white? Introduction to Filmmaking, M/W 3-5PM.
OK, I've said enough. Feh to this whole thing as a movie. You can have it. But as a pile of amazing make up work? Well, take a look and you tell me!
#27 - Killer Workout (1987)
Back of the VHS Description: They came to get their bodies into the best shape of their lives...too bad they'll never have the chance to enjoy it. In the locker room...in the showers...in the weight room...even in the parking lot. Someone is turning the most beautiful bodies in town into a grisly, brutal body count. Now, nobody's safe. There's no place to hide.
HOLY SHIT THIS FILM WAS ALSO TITLED "AEROBICIDE"
To preface this review: it's shot on film here in LA and the environs, so just by that alone (city streets, parking signs, etc.) it looks like a pilot that wasn't picked up. That is a good thing.
At first, however, I was confused: we start off with a death by tanning bed, but even in execution (pun, well, intended, I suppose), it doesn't make sense: is the bed haunted? Is it actually a flying saucer? Eh, let it go, because we're on to the first aerobic montage.
Let's sing along!
Hey Baby, I got the apple
Red and juicy, warm and sweet
All the laughter and the lovin'
That your hungry lips can eat
Only you, tonight
My one desire
Only you, tonight
'Cause Baby, you set the fire
What'cha see ain't what you get
The truth don't know for sure
Love'll blind you, and you'll forget
The things you'll wanna know
Only you, tonight
My one desire
Only you, tonight
When the instructors at Rhonda's Workout keep turning down the sleazy advances of a customer, ominous music plays. Later, another innocent exercise student buys the farm via giant safety pin.
In-between convertible rides, Diet Pepsi, bikini reveals, kills, and chases to the soundtrack to 8-bit Double Dragon, are more aerobic montages. And then, even more. For a gym with an active and growing body count, the business continues apace.
Unfortunate plot holes:
- As the film begins, a woman puts leftovers in a microwave and then leaves her apartment.
- "Aerobicide" and "Death Spa" are spray-painted on the front of the gym. It is never seen again in any establishing shots.
- (More that are specific to the plot that I'll let you find for yourself)
It's a REAL stretch to get to over an hour for this film, but it's unintentionally hilarious many times over. You'll get the point much earlier than the ending, but however long you'll last in this workout, you won't forget it.
#27 - Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
Back of the VHS Description: In Silent Night Deadly Night Part 1, you witnessed the brutal slaughters and cold-blooded rampage of Billy.
Now...it's his young brothers' turn. Ricky, adopted as an orphan, coming from a secure and supportive family, suddenly turns violent after discovering that his lover is two-timing him.
His memory is triggered back to the death of his parents by "Santa Claus" forcing Ricky to snap...going off the deep end. He is driven by an urge to kill and kill again, seeking vengeance on those who have double-crossed and deceived him...and anyone else who gets in his way! This is one Santa story you don't want to tell your kids.
As I think most of our readers know, there is maybe a half hour of new material in this sequel, and what is here is all over the map. Long ago (I think it might have been on Mike's forum site) I detailed how I saw the first movie at the New Beverly with the director or one of the writers in attendance. They were great anecdotes, but they don't really apply to this...and I always wondered if the original writers got credit on this one as well because there was so much of their original work in this movie.
But let's just say this - go watch the "Garbage Day" scene in its entirety. It doesn't have to make sense in-between all you watch today, but it doesn't have to. It's just fucking nutty ("I'm gonna slip these cuffs on...and no funny stuff!").
So it goes with this list. When it comes to looking ahead...do I dare?!
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