Family Circle - October 25, 1983

Long ago (though not as long ago as this magazine) I received a large envelope from the Twin Farms.  I figured it to be a month's-worth of Sunday coupons, or maybe more junk I don't need (that's why it's still there).  The junk I speak of is more along the lines of "now that you've looked at this, you can throw it out."  But upon opening, I saw just this, along with a note:

"Hi honey, found this at work and thought you'd enjoy it!  Love Mom"

See - now we're talking.  I didn't know you saved the old band programs, but you can ace those at your leisure.  Don't even waste the money on the postage!  But this...well, I'm just going to have to dig into this one - 40 years later!

We've got a lot to take in just by looking at the cover.  There's no real cover headline, but there are some intriguing claims: "Bike your way to fitness" you say?  Tell me how.  A suggestion of the world's best chocolate chip cookies better explain the green, mopey-looking cookies in a jar towards the back.  Who isn't crazy for cheesecake, but who wants to actually make the stuff yourself?  40 stocking-stuffers for next to nothing?  Considering the Big Scoop's behavior over the past few months, I'm not planning on spending a lot of dough re mi, so this might work out.  Let's take this to the counter of Thrifty's and give them the 3 quarters for this issue.  What's inside?  Well, I'm not scanning everything, but some highlights:

The cover has a fold-out for Purina Cat Chow, which features the "chow, chow, chow" jingle and something called "Country Blend" cat food which advertises "MORE REAL CHICKEN LIVER & CHEESE FLAVOR"  A few pages later is a 2-page ad for Congoleum showing a large baby nursery (complete with wallpaper, because this is 1983) which begs the question: 40 years ago, what was better: a carpet or linoleum when it came to a baby safely crawling around?  It is the "most stain-resistant, durable, no-wax vinyl floor you can buy."  Tough choice.

The "Readers Exchange" and "Parent to Parent" sections are where our readers share ideas, recipes, and the like.  Even if these seem like no-brainers, writers received $50 from the magazine ($154.50 today - righteous bucks) if printed.  

They were young, urban professionals.  They worked hard and played hard.  They were players, and now they have a cigarette all their own.  Shouldn't these have been called "Playas"?  Making big deals and smokin' at the bar?  Play on, playa!  Do yo thang!

Photo evidence shows I was trick or treating through the majority of the 1980's.  One parent would go out with friends of mine and myself (though it was always a battle on who had to go along - wouldn't you rather stay home and have the wife answer the door?) and we'd zig zag around the block.  The fervor listed here in this article also lasted long throughout the 1980's.  Rules I remember, all these years later: don't go to the brown duplex on the corner.  (That's also a life lesson)  Don't eat generic candy - if the wrapper doesn't say anything, forget it.  If the people or candy are weird, just be nice and polite and get the hell out of there.  

One house always gave out ballpoint pens.  Another was a realtor and gave out calendars.  One year, a woman demanded a trick before giving treats.  I think I did rudimentary gymnastics I learned in P.E. or something.  Got 2 candies!  Did you ever get fruit on Halloween?  I always heard of the razors in apples, but never knew anyone who dealt with it for real.  By the way, look at the list of safety rules: "9: Give children small trick-or-treat bags that will fill up quickly.  This will speed up their return home."  The hell it will - you either start eating it, or trade out stuff you don't like, or dump the bad stuff along the way.  A safety rule when visiting my house: if you're a kid, you actually have to say "trick or treat" or in the least "please" - showing up and just opening your bag gets you nuthin'.  If you're a teen who's barely dressed up, I will of course accommodate you because I'd like my home to remain the same.  Beers are also given out upon request.

"Go ahead!  Indulge yourself."  They'll pay the postage if you choose the deluxe version for $5.50.  Can you tell Claudia Collette's version of "Norell" from the...wait a minute, there's a perfume called "Opium"?  The hell?

A cool temperature, quiet, and dark.  Doesn't exactly seem surprising to read this - "play tapes of soothing sounds."  We've been doing this for years, of course.  Get the tapes.  By the way, look at the interpretations of sleep positions - are we sure that position 6 has to be given that name?

The "Crazy for Cheesecake" section starts off with something called "Italian Molded Refrigerator Cheesecake" that looks, well, less than appetizing.  The 2nd recipe is "Almost Lindy's Cheesecake" which, if I'm correct, invented the dish.  Might as well eat almost the same recipe.  Also included is "Macaroon Rum Raisin Cheesecake" and something referred as "Refrigerator Loaf Cheesecake."  What's with all the fridge loafs?

 

I don't know how far in advance this was sold (like how Playboy was a month ahead), but the World Series was over by a couple of weeks by the time of this publication.  40 years later, the Orioles still wait for another - I have an anecdote about that which, I'm afraid, I can't share here.

Of the 101 gifts you can make yourself, the #33 (plaid party dress) looks like if I was tasked with making a dress.  You'd ask why I used so much fabric, and I would say back that I hadn't planned on that, but I'm making it work.  How about the festive bow on top?  

One of the cover topics was "1983 House of Ideas: Decorating touches to add warmth & charm."  In the event you may see homes (even your own) with solid color walls and solid color furniture and think it looks modern, just remember that many of us had to grow up in rooms such as these where you literally had to walk out and ask the room to stop.  Slow down, room.  Enough.

The "World's Best Chocolate Chip Cookies" is only a 2-page photo spread, a brief tribute to inventor Ruth Wakefield and then 9 recipes.  (Was the invention a "happy accident" or did she really intend for this to happen?  She said she meant to do it.)  The weird green cookies are chocolate chip pistachio cookies.  The recipe includes "1 package pistachio-flavored instant pudding and pie filling."

Like you, many times I've enjoyed Hamburger Helper and wondered "might I enjoy this more if it were soup?"  They're giving you a recipe to do just that and (out of frame) a 15-cent coupon...with no expiration date!  Many times, I've wanted to bring this coupon to the store just to see the response, but that would make this incomplete, so there it stays.  Speaking of, there's also an ad for Lite Chicken of the Sea tuna fish ("Tuna for the 80's...and beyond") with a 20-cent coupon, no expiration date either.  

A crisp, late-Autumn morning on the farm.  It's this time of year that you know the flavor really counts.  This recipe form Land O Lakes is for a jeweled cheese ball but look at the ingredients.  8 ounces cheddar cheese, 1/2 cup butter softened, and some brandy is actually an alcoholic drink.  It's called The Potsy.

Jack Klugman's lunch was all set.  Cheesesteak and iced tea.  Who the hell is this kid taking Quincy's food?  I think I convinced my mom to buy these once, but she never made them, and it went bad.  Kind of hard to tell, too.  I didn't realize Klugman was a Philly guy, so now this makes sense.  He also made it to 90 despite all his health challenges.

A recurring segment on The David Letterman Show (that didn't make it to Late Night) was reviewing mail-order items "from the back of cheap, sleazy magazines."  Dave would show the ad and then the item and riff on it.  There were pages and pages of this kind of stuff in the back.  "Letters from Santa" - for $1.25 each.  What a deal.  "ADORE UNICORNS?  HAVE A PASSION FOR DRAGONS?"  You'll send $1 to Beasties & Beauties in Buffalo, NY.  There are a lot of Beasties & Beauties in Buffalo.  ZING

The final ad is for Armstrong Glazecraft vinyl tile flooring.  This seems to be a nice bookend to the decorating of the time: In a room with loud wallpaper and linoleum flooring, an 80's lady walks in wearing a plaid head-to-toe dress.  On the food tray, she has a jeweled cheese ball, Steak-Umms sandwiches and Hamburger Helper soup for dinner.  We smile warmly at each other, discussing the topics of the day: Halloween candy safety, sleep positions, and the World Series.  As the meal is finished, we share a tender moment and I ask "Oh, is that one of the world's greatest perfumes you're wearing?"