The artist formerly known as Smiley is the most indecisive person I’ve ever known. (As such, it gives one pause on how she ever agreed to be married) When faced with any kind of decision, large, small, or trivial, there is hesitation. This hesitation isn’t to calmly weigh options and then pick something: the pluses and minuses of the options are said aloud and then…nothing. She is also uncomfortable in her own skin; oh, if you heard the conversations after communication with her friends. Whatever they’ve done, wherever they’ve gone, it sounds (to her) like the most fun anyone could have in life. It is the exact thing we need. Why aren’t WE doing exactly that? Never mind if the Big Scoop and I have any interest, would want to do it in comparison to anything else, or even afford it if we wanted to…because the 3 of us haven’t done whatever she’s just heard about, this puts us way (or, more specifically, her) behind others in societal (and her mental) rankings.
However, once something is decided on, be it travel, a large
purchase, whatever, well…those 2 aspects disappear. She then turns to the Terminator with
locations, activities, deals, you name it.
You’ve never seen a more driven, motivated person. Two years ago, I mused aloud the idea of
going to New Orleans as a “fun idea” and before I’d thought about it
beyond…well, a thought, it was on and the itinerary began. I, too, could make an itinerary, but someone
is now decisive (not authoritative, I stress) and while I can easily (though
rarely) say “no” to something, it’s very easy to be dragged into the enthusiasm
and say “yeah, that looks good.”
It had been 20+ years since I last visited Kauai. Even then, it was only 1 day on an
island-hopping trip. On that day on the island, I was rousted
early to snorkel. Our tour guide was
retiring, and we were part of his final tour.
He had plenty of fish food to get rid of, so it all went out. We barely had to move and thank goodness for that; I was barely awake and possibly hungover, so I played dead. Fish of all styles new to me went around as I
felt nature wash over me (interrupted by a few “are you OK?” queries) Afterwards, among the chickens, we ate BBQ in
a rainbow haze, and I can still remember that I hadn’t been that at-peace in a
long time. This description was brought
up once in a while when she’d hear of someone travelling there, and I think
there were some stakes added: you can’t call whatever we did last summer a
“vacation” in any way, so she was owed. All
of us, sure, but she specifically was owed.
Kauai: Despite getting up at Dick O'Clock for this flight (to ensure more daylight time on the island, I'm told) I'm pleased to announce that, through decades of never-ending construction, the famous multi-colored tile wall at LAX is still there!
As I wait to board, a man in an Angels hat in the seat over from me is adamant about the time difference between California and Hawaii. He's wrong, (I don't dare speak up) and now his wife also has it wrong. He also has an annoying young son pounding on all the seats in the gate. After he gave the score of the previous night's Angels loss to his idiot son, he reassured him with this honest-to-god quote: "We could go .500 the rest of the year and we'd be fine." The Angels, at the time of departure, are tied with the worst record in the American League. His glance at me in my "Original Tommy" Lasorda chili-burger T-shirt led to a disdainful sigh.
Kauai not: I'm just asking this aloud: why the hell is it so hard to swiftly rent a car on any island in Hawaii? I know of "island time" but dear lord can I also enjoy this island with a rejected sedan already? In the 4 visits where I've had to rent a car in this state, it's been such a fucking nightmare. Maybe we, from elsewhere, are getting in the way of their, from the island, "time." Anyway...
Kauai: Instead of staying in a local neighborhood (which was considered, even "neighborhood adjacent") we decided to try a full-on resort. What this gives off in manufactured vibes, it gives back in service. I was paying to be treated so well but treated so well I was...even if I'd remember otherwise each day. Don't think I didn't revel in it, whether it was in a hot tub grotto, man-made saltwater lagoon, at a poolside bar drinking mai tais with the sun shining only mildly aware that a nighttime Dodger game was on the TV. Yes, you should treat yourself, and yes, you can have it all. At a price. For some of the time.
Kauai not: As with any stunning drive, sometimes just the drive itself is the reward. And, as with any island visit, the urge to pull over immediately for beach access, a lookout, or a restaurant called The Right Slice can be done...but the reality that whatever blissful moment is in full swing, you can't control when a Vanagan full of folks show up killing the vibe. That happens. The residents just might think that way of me too...I hope not.
Kauai: That cheap bag of animal feed (wherever you are) is the best money you'll ever spend. You'll appear to be the god of the sea when that amount, hidden in your fist, makes colorful friends appear near you on yet another snorkeling trip. Those near you will be amazed, and confounded. It'll be our little secret. This was also helpful at a luau where The Big Scoop, armed with feed, was suddenly surrounded by tropical birds a-plenty, even some peacocks. Unsurprisingly, she made fast human friends as well. She didn't have her phone with her, turns out the girl from Nevada entered in the wrong number and texted "chicken butt" to a random person in LA...so goes life.
Kauai not: To the point above, tours themselves can't really be "off the beaten path" if you're going with others. An innertube tour (with much underground, amazingly) can be an enjoyable time to talk with locals if you don't mind being interrupted by a massive family from Ohio trying to rope you into their inside jokes ad nauseum. The bus driver was also one of the biggest old Hollywood phonies I've ever witnessed. Naturally, the Ohio clan found him hysterical.
Kauai: Whether it's out of laziness or indecision, when the 3 of us dine out it tends to be later at night. More often than not it prevents us being near tables with annoying children and old people complaining. You'd think with the time difference we'd be dining early...nope: body adjusted immediately. Most restaurants at that time were pretty calm, almost relieved to have weathered another storm: we're just here to dine, talk, hear what you think of this place, and what I don't know to ask. One evening, heading as far west as we felt, we designated a meeting place to then break and report back where to eat.
Couldn't tell you the last time I had a bacon cheeseburger, let alone one grilled in front of me by a massive Hawaiian, but wouldn't you know it, it tasted delicious. I was effusive in my praise, he guardedly accepted, and I went onward.
One store in town had a children's theater in the back. The lady running the store desires to sell it all, go out of business on her own terms, and return to the Philippines. Instead of haggling over crafts some 40 years old, I inquired about the store, the theater, what and why she wants to leave it behind. From a total stranger I had one of the most genuine heartfelt conversations I've had in some time. To create something so strong, all for the community...how it fulfills your soul...how you don't recognize time passing until one day you do, and it seems like the new thing you want (in her case, returning home) is a tide taking you back. What's there then is still there now, but it's up to others if it will survive.
Kauai not: Look, if the main part of selling me on something is "everyone says you should get the shave ice there" and no specifics on quality, I just...I'll pass. Upon arrival, the line goes long past the counter, patio, at least to the point of "eh, fuck it" if it was anything else. But no, the artist formerly known as Smiley wants it, and to no surprise, The Big Scoop isn't turning down dessert. The wait was around 45 minutes. Afterwards, they said it was "good." We're on vacation.
Kauai: What she can't hide is the emotional toll of that wait. Sloppy, bossy, and bitchy, I make an executive decision in the car to have her "can it" and roll down the window to ask a local loading surfboards into the back of a pickup truck about beach access. In a "blink and you'll miss it" path, we wandered down a path to find this:
When you've walked down a narrow path of foliage to find this, well, that shut everyone up. Unfortunately, that lasted just a moment until she started squawking and went to the water. The Scoop and I needed a break. She laid out while I wandered around a scene that was crafted by time only to reveal a checklist on what one would want at a "tropical beach"
A young family comes by to set up near us, and it was pleasurable moment: the marriage young, one kid with another in the oven, they had the joy of their surroundings. I do...or did, or kept having to reset. After talking for a while, I realized: even on vacations, I'll have to make my own good day, too. Out at sea were crew races mixed with sailboats. I looked above to the gods for guidance.
I hadn't been body surfing in maybe 20 years, but why not? The waves seemed large but not overcoming, I could ease in and get some movement. The squawking continued but I left that with a polite nod and continued riding the waves. It was a lot of fun. Each time gliding to shore or going out, I couldn't help but feel released. This moment, hearing joyful noise amidst the waves, made it all worth it. Later on, exhausted, I returned energized to the beach. Suddenly, I was so invigorated, I could brush aside any BS like I was wearing a shield. I could not be stopped. Stopped from what? Well, the mental wave I was still riding. The rest of the trip turned: instead of even mildly giving in to an unending list of "to do's" when were supposed to be relaxing, I was off in the tide. The rest of the time there is a feel-good haze.
Kauai not: Wait a minute...that's right! I only had one mai tai! What am I doing?!
