Neighborhood Watch

Wherever I'm working, I like to take a walk during lunch.  In the past that's meant a walk around a studio lot, or the neighborhood of the building, whatever.  Thankfully, for the last handful of years, it's been my own neighborhood.  For better or worse, all these years later I still don't know a lot of my neighbors.  Well, not on a first-name basis, but I can easily identify some of them with things like "that's the guy with the house with 4 cars out front" or whatever.  

At one end of my street, on the east side, lives (apparently) an older couple.  If I've ever seen them, I don't remember them at all.  What I do know is, on nice days (75% of the time) their front door is open.  That wouldn't mean anything if it wasn't for the fact the 2 of them speak comically LOUD to each other.  You can't see through the screen door, but you don't need to.  In the ~15 seconds I'm walking past this house, you can hear a lot of confusion.

Old Lady: "WAIT!  Is it April or is it TUESDAY?"

I don't know, ma'am, nor does the man inside.  This line wasn't said with stress so much as it is more a plain statement.  The inflection and words chosen does indicate a question, of course...at least I think so.

This past Fall saw quite a surprise as I turned back on my street:

(A loud crash is heard from inside their home)

Old Man: "What was that?"

Old Lady: "BEEF FAJITAS!"

Thankfully, they didn't hear my sudden burst of laughter, or if they did, I'll never know.  For most times when I walk past this house, this isn't anything I seek out, yet it's almost as if it seeks me, knowing that it's serendipity: there's more out of context gems ahead.

Old Lady: "That's when she was at the BAR.  And she HELD ON TO THAT THING.  And it was HARD."

When I remember to do so, I bring this up to the neighbors I know.  It brings a laugh, but they don't know them either.  Or they offer some sort of vague detail like "I think they had someone living in their garage for a while" which only invites more questions.  I've realized that if I did know additional details, it probably wouldn't be that fun anymore.  

Old Man: (coughs loudly)

Old Lady: What?!

Old Man: Huh?!

In those moments of peace to clear my head in a workday, there's the sounds of birds chirping, the sights of flowers in bloom, a dog here and there, and this house in a constant, nearly urgent state of flux.  Back to work I go, thankful for out of context humor once again.   

Burnt Ends

Wait a minute - the Houston Cougars are playing in the Southern regional...in Houston?!  

A) I thought that wasn't allowed

B) "Actually, the NCAA bylaws state that as long as the arena was not used as the home venue---"

C) "(poop falls from old white guy's mouth)" 

It's my kinda team, Charlie

Why do you prefer the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament to the opening round?

A) The teams: these are the better teams that got over the hump

B) The matchups: the skill levels are closer together

C) The coverage: 

2026 March Madness Day 1 Quiz

During the Troy/Nebraska game, announcer Brandon Gaudin said it was a "pro-Nebraska" crowd in Oklahoma City.  Who else is "pro-Nebraska"?

A) Swift Meats

B) Domestic and foreign alcohol companies

C) White supremacist groups

One of the oft-repeated ads during Day 1 was the return of NASCAR races on TNT.  Thinking of auto races on a Turner branded channel, what comes to mind?

A) Smokeless tobacco sponsorships

B) Cale Yarborough

C) 2-minute-long commercials for "The Best of Conway Twitty" 

The High Point / Wisconsin game from Portland, Oregon began at 10:50 AM.  Why did it start so early in the day on the West Coast?

A) The NCAA thought it was in Portland, Maine

B) It was supposed to be 1:50 Pacific Time but "I guess someone goofed"

C) (old white guy glares)

During the High Point / Wisconsin game, Brad Nessler abruptly stopped talking during the end of the 1st half.  What happened?

A) Prolonged belch

B) Yawn

C) Cleaning up the scotch he spilled on the table

GAH!  Bruce Pearl is on TV?  The fuck?  Shit, you'd better

A) Hide your wallet

B) Hide your children

C) You yourself should hide

Watching Wisconsin lose brings you modest pride because

A) They didn't accept you at UW-Stout and you showed them

B) The Badgers season will end with the same amount of tournament wins as the Gophers

C) Giving shit to Doug at work tomorrow will be the High Point of your day

When March Madness hits, it's time to bend the rules at your home.  You've defiantly told your wife that, as such, this means dinner can be "different": You and the kids can eat dinner while "watching the games."  What else is "different" about tonight's dinner?

A) You're letting the kids drink Root Beer on a weekday

B) Tonight it's 2 Tombstone pizzas

C) The main course is dip

Spanning Time in Tournament Time

Fran McCaffery is taking his 5th different school to the tournament in his career.  This span, from the 87-88 season to now, covers a lot of ground.  In comparison, what have you done during that time?

A) Got married and bought property, both on the cheap

B) Went from Trainee to Shift Manager

C) Added (some) weight

"It's not gonna be like this all the time, right?"

Your wife can ask you all day long, but your mind is made up.  You’re not going to

A) Throw away those NASCAR tapes even though the VCR doesn’t work anymore

B) Tell her where you put the “Celebrate Life” artwork she had on the living room wall

C) Split that sandwich with her

I’m as real as a donut

On your most recent trip to Red Owl, you couldn’t understand your wife’s list, and upon returning home she called her friend Cathy to talk about “the fiasco.”  From now on, your wife said you’re only allowed to buy food at

A) a church bake sale

B) a gas station on a road trip

C) Menards