Setting Son

Leading up to the visit, the suggestion from my sister was that I had to really clean out my old room.  Do so as if "that's the last time you'll be in there."  I confirmed my understanding of the task, while also wondering if, in a way, she was sensing the future.  Maybe not all of it, maybe not everyone, but maybe just my own?

I knew on this trip that my time would not be free.  I knew that plans were being made with me, for me, without my knowledge.  As optimistic as I am, I also knew the likelihood of seeing anyone I'd want to see simply wouldn't happen.  So, there I am, stuck at my Ma's home, being prodded to do something else.  Whatever the hell I was doing, I needed to be doing something else. 

We arrive: the weather was a hazy early 80s in lovely Dealville, near 100 in Salt Lake City (our layover) but cloudy and (I was told) 63 when we landed.  In the afternoon.  Hello Summer!  A cruel joke from the weather gods.  Hahaha - you thought you could find a time that it was safe to visit!  We'll show you!  Thankfully that weather hold was brief, but it cast a pall over the whole trip.

I was sitting at my desk: an old metal "teacher's desk" handed down by one of my grandfathers.  I'm going through each drawer, each of which holds completely random items.  Most items were put here by me, truly odds and sods from decades ago.  What happens when I find these things?  Maybe 5% are a genuine pleasant surprise, and it's coming back to Dealville.  The other 95% are either reviewed, thought of, then recycled.  As I'm doing so, I'm starting to find more and more things that are clearly NOT my own.  "Trip might like this" someone thought, so coin sets from, say, 1974, are there.  I ask aloud who those are...my Ma says they are mine...I decline, stating I've never seen it before.  A stand-off, unknowingly, has begun.

As I go through the desk, my Ma is at the other end of the room.  "What about this stuff in the closet?"  I don't know, Ma.  "How about this tie?"  Ma, I've been in town 3 hours.  I'm currently going through this desk.  "Well..."  Of course, the Big Scoop can play on her tablet, but the women formerly known as Smiley is bored.  "What are we going to do tonight?"  Because she's a child and we have to plan everything for you?  So, after the 3rd time she brings it up, I stop and decide to shoot pool with her in the basement rumpus room.  I'm not 10 minutes into playing that my Ma appears again, looking at a well-worn entertainment center.  "What about these tapes?"

We had 2 days planned, or optioned, for swimming at the community pool.  Both times everyone had to leave due to lightning.  The last 3 times we visited my Ma, that's happened to us.  Someone, somewhere, is trying to tell me something.  Is it the truth?  By the brief end of yet another swim attempt, I've thrown out 3 bags full of trash, and 3 other bags to be recycled.  Still, more work needs to be done.  One of the easiest things I did was throwing out old yearbooks.  "You're so funny!  We should hang out this summer - call me!"  Bitch, you never returned my calls, get out of here.  I saved my last yearbook from Bloomington, before the move.  People in there wrote like I was terminal, and they were saying goodbye.  

The absolute highlight was, ironically, a bullet dodged as well.  One request was to go fishing, and while that is fun, I had no idea where to even begin.  Instead, we ended up with rented poles and walked along a slimy urban creek.  The mission, however, was accomplished: on her first cast, the Big Scoop reeled in a sunfish.  She also caught catfish.  She ended her morning/afternoon with 10 catches, endless delight, and many pictures of a happy girl.  Something worked out!

We were planned to attend two "fancy" dinners while I was in town.  Both were restaurants in malls.  I am no stranger to that at all: frequently the hidden gems of a town are restaurants in a strip mall.  They are also, usually, not this overpriced.  We all remember where we are - polo shirts tucked into the guts, everyone with short haircuts, restaurants advertising something called Michelob Golden Draft Light - as much as one tries to blend in while travelling, we did notice we stuck out wherever we went.  Eh, so it goes.

The cleaning continues.  A folder with all newspaper clippings of David Letterman moving to CBS.  A folder of 1991 contents from the fan club of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Pleasent surprises.  More and more random shit to toss.  I take a break and am told to have another Leine's - Ma bought a 24 pack for my visit.  24!  I'm in town 4 days.  I am not up to the challenge.  I have one while reading through, then recycling, old Mad Magazines and Mad books.  "What are you doing?" I'm asked by that very mother.  What a coincidence - I'm reading Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.  "I'm using the paper face shield to keep me way from annoyances."

The last day was a perfect summary.  Meetings were planned, then cancelled, then people in said meetings didn't know this, and asked if we were "OK".  I had wanted to go back to the old neighborhood, and many times in the past, I could do so alone.  I'd go at my own pace, where I want to loiter, etc.  I'd done it before without issue, but this time that was shot down.  So, we ALL drove over there, and the seams immediately began to show.  Ahead of the visit, I scouted a few restaurants, and we tried one.  We enjoyed it.  I was vibing with the staff, which upset some, but brought hearty portions to us all.  The drive around the old neighborhood, however, was a symbol:

Ma: Where should we go?

Me: Let's stay on 102nd and then make a right after the school--

(Ma turns down a different street)

Me: OK...

Artist formerly known as Smiley: Wait, this isn't where you wanted to go.

Big Scoop: Where are we?

Ma: (pointing) Was there always a stoplight there?

Me: Yes, even when I was a kid.

Ma: No.  Are you sure?

What positive memories I have of this area are in this town, yet here we are being herded: I'm not going where I want to go, 2 others not caring, and the one doing the herding lost in her own lane.

We were there 4 days, and yet it still felt like 1 day too long.  As it usually goes when trying to make it back home, we had to run through the airport to make our connection - this was a close as I'd ever been to not make it.  But make it we did, and when we walked down the ramp and put our feet on the ground, I lifted my arms in the air, as though it was a victory.  We survived.  We did it and we returned.  Haven't been this happy to be home in years.  All because I was there for 4 days.  

At dinner the following day, I tried to figure out why I felt this way.  I talked it out, but I didn't expect either of those 2 to completely understand.  When we were there, I'd have to look through something which would bring back a flood of memories, most of which I hadn't thought about in decades...which brought back crummy memories...which I'd try to balance out with good...but it was never enough.  I'd then have to cover my strained face with something more placid as I'm asked to do something else.

I already know that whatever is positive of "back then" is completely in my mind: cherry-picked random moments from long ago.  And yet, now removed a little from this visit, I'm not sure when the next visit will be - it might be another 5-6 years, I don't know.  Dillon was understanding enough to know I had no freedom in this visit but asked how it went all the same.  I passed along a few nutty finds, but just as much all of the strain.  I then posited this idea: I wonder how a visit there would be without "all this" with it.  I know I could never pull that off.  At least, not anytime soon.  I still wonder all the same.  It might be different, but not any better.  Maybe it'll just have to be those random memories, triggered by a song, a video, or now, this stack of papers.  I'm not trying to run away from my past, but I pushed aside so much of it (completely necessary as an action) that returning to see if what was positive wasn't worth it.  

For me, there's no future there, so can I ever be expected to place it in my own future here?        

Trash Horror Films of the 80s: New Favorites

Though it took me way longer than I'd anticipated, going through the quest of (what 2 writers claimed was) the top 50 trash horror films was a lot of fun.  Even after I'd finish a bad or mediocre title, hell, at least it was new to me.  When I found something good enough, I was pleased.  When I pleasantly surprised or even wowed, that was the best.  That made it all worth it.  Below were the films I'd never seen and, looking back, suggest you do so to if you haven't already (as I had with the gems The Children and Sleepaway Camp)

The Video Dead

Everything you'd want from a VHS rental from that time and beyond.  A unique concept, smartly shot, and with more than enough planned and (a little) unplanned hilarity make this more than worth seeking out.  So much of the movies are "of their time" and thank goodness for that, especially with some dialogue that could only come out of the 80's.  This one is a lot of fun!

Seeing this so early in the quest made me think I'd find many more like this one...I thought wrong.

The Dead Next Door

Nearly all the titles on this list were filmed in random towns across the globe.  If it was in any major city, it tended to be NYC, which helped (with it being the 80s) but didn't really stand out.  In the Dead Next Door, this works not only for the brief shots of Washington DC, but then that part of this zombie virus attack ends up in the "suburbs" of Akron, Ohio.  Why Akron?  Well, why not, but also...that's where everyone is, so the zombie attack is around Akron.  Instead of trying to cover it up, they lean into it.  All of that aside, the makeup and effects show real care, and instead of trying to stretch the running time, they get everything they want in there and get out in a little over an hour.  

Don't you want to see a zombie rent VHS tapes?!

The Oracle  

I could go either way on this one with the good (1980's NYC sleaze) and bad (the "acting"...oh lord) but what can I say?  I was impressed by "death by garbage chute" and, honestly, surprised it hasn't been done more often.  Not tops for me, but good enough.

The Boogey Man

After watching this, I wondered aloud (to no one) and wrote (to tens of readers) why this was on the list at all.  I wouldn't say it's trash: visually, this is made so much better than other titles on the list.  Yes, it has the swanky synth, but it just looks better...plus, it left me thinking about the plot long after I finished the movie.  Not about the movie itself, of course, just the plot.  Not the top of the list or anything, but worth checking out one of these days.

Slugs

If you were to make a movie that was called "Slugs The Movie" you would want to ensure all the boxes are checked:  You'd want to show these creatures across all socioeconomic categories.  You'd need to do some puppetry to show 'em chowing down.  You'd need a little T&A and then the usual "sex never works out" lesson learned in horror movies.  You're going to need the scientist as well.  OK great!  You checked off all the boxes.  The rest doesn't matter.  You'll admire AND laugh at this movie.  

Class of Nuke 'em High

There's nothing wrong with a little "insanity for insanity's sake" in your movie-going.  You expect insanity from Tromaville Studios, and Class of Nuke 'em High won't let you down.  This is a trash horror film in every sense of the word, and it's almost as if the list was made around this title.  It was perfectly in the middle, but for a lot of reasons it could have rated higher.  If you write a line of dialogue like "I don't give a wet fart what you think" and then know it's going to be delivered convincingly, you're more than ready to be called "trash."  When you're ready, the Class of Nuke 'em High is ready for you.

Basket Case

This movie really saved the day for me, and I say that in all sincerity.  I was feeling worn down by "eh" horror movies of this quest.  I began to wonder if I'd seen all the "good ones" on the list and let this quest wither and die as so many of my, well, former contemporaries do with such statements.  Then I saw Basket Case.  You, dear reader, are the one who can experience this joy as well.  What a fun one this is: great practical effects, early 80s "no set dressing needed" NYC, a plot that, every time when you think it's running out of steam, gives you ANOTHER great scene.  Hell, just this very morning, I shared some screen captures of this film with The Big Scoop herself.  She laughed.  Considering some of the shit she watches, maybe it's time.  Why this movie wasn't a bigger success, who knows?    

Titles like those above made this quest worth it.  It reaffirmed my faith that there is gold still out there unbeknownst to me.  Sure, I'll get around to finishing my catch-up of horror releases from the past year or so, but like finding a lost pair of shades, these movies brought relief and a smile when it was needed the most.

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 80's: #5-#1

The quest has been achieved!  For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15-#11

#10-#6

#5 - Pieces (1982 in Europe...1983 here)

Back of the VHS box: Thirty-five years after the violent death of a young boy's mother, mutilated corpses are discovered on a university campus, each body forming part of a macabre jigsaw puzzle that the police have to piece together.

Hey - they used one of my favorite words: macabre.

1983 radio spot transcript

(music box music plays)

Narrator: Which room is Debbie in?  The bedroom?  Could she be in the closet?  Or the kitchen?  Maybe she's in the basement?  That's right.  She's in all of them.  Pieces.  (chainsaw sound effect, woman screaming "NO!") You don't have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre.  It's exactly what you think it is.  Pieces.  Absolutely no one under 17 admitted.

Immediately hilarious, with some of the worst dubbing I've ever seen.  Did you know the New England Patriots were a pro football team in 1942?  According to Pieces, that's a fact.

After our synth opening, we're on to groovin' rock, 40 years later, at a New England college.  

Having gone to a college in New England, I think I can share some insight and confirm that yes, people do skateboard out of control throughout campus.  Sometimes into a giant mirror, of course, but that's not the point.

Later, we're at a Pacific coast coll---er, still at the same campus, and, well, heads up!

As the plot continues to move into what appears to be a straight-forward murder mystery, we're then interrupted with an aerobics break?!  

Christopher George and Linda Day were on quite a horror clip.  On the very day I watched Pieces, I had earlier watched an NBC News report from 1983 (oh, really?  That's unique for you, Trip) and sure enough was an ad for Mortuary)  George died of a heart attack just a couple of months after these movies came out - what a way to go.  

Whatever might be slow is brought back to life by the ending that you're hoping for, however brief it might be.  "BOSTON HEALTH HOSPITALS" read the ambulance.  Well, Pieces is a well-shot movie with curious editing.  One that plays fast and loose with sound effects and score. I enjoy this a bit less than the usual viewing public, it appears, but there are enough quotes to at least give it a view...maybe I have to be in a different frame of mind to love it as others do, I'm not sure.  As with so many other foreign films of the era, it almost seems like they were filming 2 movies at once and cut and pasted different elements in as needed.  But that ending...just wanted to make sure you left the theater on a laugh!  

#4 - Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)

Back of the VHS box: none found

I wasn't 1 minute into this and all I could think of is "if Wesley Willis made a horror movie, this is it."

I'm at a loss.

"We waited a whole fuckin' hour fa ya."

#3 - Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Poster tagline: "... you won't be coming home!"

Look, all of us have seen this one.  It is a sensational film.  It doesn't belong anywhere NEAR Quadead Zone.  

What the hell is something like this or The Children doing on this list?  That's not trash, that's entertainment.  Damn it, now I'm pissed off.  Let Meg tell these Bloody Disgusting writers where they can go...

 

#2 - The Last Slumber Party (1988)

Back of the VHS: On their last day of high school, Linda, Tracy and Chris celebrate by having a slumber party at Linda's house.  A few boys drop by and the beer flows like wine.  Just good, clean, fun-loving kids.

But the gals have another visitor, one they don't yet know about.  Hiding in the house is a homicidal maniac who has just escaped from a mental hospital.  Armed with a scalpel, the nut slashes a little here, a little there as he sneaks from room to room.

One by one the guests start disappearing.  What evil lurks there?  What nightmare world have they entered?  The plot of twisted inside out leaving you stunned and clinging to your chair as you witness shock after horrifying shock.  The ending will leave you breathless.  And now, the blood flows like wine.

Early on, we have a brief shot of a Volkswagen Thing, which was wisely used and appreciated.

This has some of the worst-mixed sound in a movie I've ever heard/seen...it's right up there with the episode of Barry back in 1996.  That was, somewhat, on purpose...this...well, do you think this was on purpose?

There IS some good bullshitting by the teen guys, a nice touch of an LSU jersey... 

"I was getting tired of booze anyway.  Let's get high!"

"This is sick!  This is not fucking funny.  I'm not taking any more of this shit."

Special thanks to the Sesame Street poster prominently displayed in this scene.

A movie that barely makes it past an hour, plenty o synth, time capsule posters, wallpaper, people getting killed who act like they're getting a massage...is it real?  A bad dream?  This one is true video trash.

#1 - A Night to Dismember (1983)

Back of the VHS: When their lunatic sister Vicki Kent is let out of a mental hospital five years after supposedly stabbing two neighborhood boys to death, her vindictive brother Adam, and sister Mary will do anything to get her sent back to the asylum.  An intense investigation builds when people in the town start waking up with their heads detached from their bodies!  Dismemberment was the Kent family curse - watch them go Berzerk!

Viewers will be trembling as the senseless slaughter frows into a disgusting body count.  Who will get wiped off the map next?  NIGHT TO DISMEMBER - it will be a night you never forget.  Warning!  You will be graphically assaulted by decapitated heads, beating ripped-out hears and many grisly hatchet murders.

(With a warning like that, well, bring it on!)

My viewing of this movie, and discoveries afterwards, is a perfect summation of these 50 movies.  What I saw was a strange mishmash of an initial shoot and later shoot with different looks and tones.  Narration with swiftly delivered lines like "Susan had accidentally fallen on an axe; she was dead."  The editing got more and more confusing.  And so on...  If anything, I thought this film had all the hallmarks of many within this list: a clear edit job without the original shoot's intent, dubbing gone wrong, and a re-release to get some quick cash.  But why was this #1 on the list?

I am not alone in my confusion on "versions" it seems - 6 years later, another cut of the film comes out on video with Samantha Fox now as the lead with time-padded insert scenes to the film.  Some producers claim the film was found "unfinished" and some (but not all) footage was lost in a fire.  However, the cinematographer has an original cut from the initial filming that was, so I viewed, truly finished and released in Europe.  No documentation of said screenings in Europe can be found, but...

What version I saw now confuses me - I almost think I saw someone else's edit?  I honestly don't know.  I struggled to care, and pretty much gave up after a while.  However, if the whole idea of trash horror had to be summed up in one title, with everything: sound, editing, different "cuts" of the film, curious release patterns, confusing acting, and on we go...shit, this is it.  This has it all.  Low budget, edit and re-release on VHS, disagreements abound on what's the real cut, I mean...fuck.  That's the Horror section of so many mom & pop video stores.  That's the (for better or worse) entrepreneurial spirit of the horror genre.  That's the EXACT thing Mike and I used to find 20+ years ago.  

This quest took me nearly 3 years...mostly done in my spare time, here n' there.  I didn't expect that it would take this long, but then again, I didn't expect all that I found.  This was one hell of an overdue trip!  Next, I'll detail my favorite finds on this journey.  Thanks for watching with me...speaking of, when do we have to return the tapes?

The authorities said "best leave it unsolved"

The tournament is finally here!  Your wife has the day shift today, the kids are at Spring Break day camp, and you didn't tell anyone you took the day off!  What are your plans for the day?

A) Light home improvement projects around the house in-between games

B) Doing the household laundry you're allowed to touch

C) 

"Safety is my top priority"

Watching the Conference USA men's basketball tournament, you can see that

A) There are good sections still available

B) There are good decks still available

C) They should just play this tournament at a park

Add 2 Tbsp butter for richer flavor

You haven't watched a college basketball game all season, but that won't stop you come March!  Well, maybe it will - you meant to watch the Alabama / Auburn game on Saturday, but you didn't get to it.  Why not?

A) "Brunch" at the Biscuit Bucket went longer than expected

B) You were napping (again)

C) The kids had the TV on a Plex folder called "The Best of ALF Season 4"

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #10-6

As we wind this down, I do want to share a bit of levity as we finally get a break: The Big Scoop and her friends are (so they say) making a "movie."  I asked of its plot, and was told "it's about an evil cult that murders people."  Well, well.  Considering her age, she's way past where I was at that time...

For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15-#11

#10 - Hallucinations (1986)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

Oh that VHS audio feed...even on just black, you can hear it loud and clear.  You could even say this video, being from the 80s, has computer graphics...inasmuch that's a computer screen showing the titles.

I don't know if this was made in the Midwest, but it has quite a few touchstones: snow on the lens, trouble with the snowplow, mouth-breathing, foam snow boots, Afghan blankets on the chairs and couches, and fake vomit.  It also has the classic VHS lens flair from lamps, silhouette portraits, rotary phones, uneven audio, and ketchup-as-blood.

It's good, I suppose, knowing there are like-minded people to your interests, but I also felt like I was watching outtakes of one of our homemade videos from the 90s.  If you made your own at any point, there's nothing here you haven't done yourself.  If not, up to you if you want to see what people did with their time back then...

#9 - The Long Island Cannibal Massacre (1980)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

The is the lone title so far that has sadly eluded me in a way that is fiscally responsible.  Do I want to spend $20 on a DVD?  Perhaps, after I've seen it.  I'll update this page once this is viewed.

#8 - Burial Ground (1981)

Back of the VHS box: The Earth Shall Tremble, graves shall open.  They shall come among the living as messengers of death.  And there shall be the nights of terror...an excursion into the twilight world of the undead.  A chilling, brutal slice of horror.  There's no escape from The Nights of Terror (the alternate title - ed.) And only the living will scream.

Mama Mia!  Horror Italiano!  Who says you can't use a Take Five rip-off during opening credits?

"Didn't you like my little show?"

"You look just like a little whore.  But I like that."

"You're turning into a great little model."

"Well, then I deserve a raise in pay."

"You're getting a raise from me, all right, but it has nothing to do with money!"

The old "innards grab bag"

Apparently, only in Italy do they

1) have mothers who, when walked in on by their son, grab their clothing but don't put it on

2) use a museum's storage room as a gun range

3) have zombies with living skin on their hands and, on occasion, their head

4) question zombies as you would someone coming up to you randomly on the street

5) attempt to kill zombies with a pitchfork by hitting them over the head, or using it to "joust"

...and repeat.  Stretched out to last as long as it does, even containing a few "wait, that shot should have been 5 seconds later" moments, there was one thing that impressed me.  I know I/we discuss gore effects often in these reviews, but they did an amazing shot in the first 1/3rd of the movie of a zombie coming out of the ground that was sensational.  I don't recommend this one, but don't want to give away that bit, either.

#7 - Things (1989)

Back of the VHS box: I only found the front...but the re-release DVDs doesn't make me optimistic.

What do you get when you put Super 8, all Casio instruments, Introduction to Film I and II, VHS player editing, moments where you're sure the "filmmakers" had no idea what they were doing but did it anyway just to get it done, driving shots that made it look like Morris & the Rookie had an actual car mount, dialogue repeated because no one remembered it was already said, cue cards, non-sensical gore, and dubbing worse than any film that's NOT in English?  What I just listed is a lot of things; now you don't need to see Things.

#6 - Basket Case (1982)

Back of the VHS box: In the quaint town of Glens Falls, a very nervous Dr. Lifflander is suddenly attached by...well...something.  Something very small, misshapen, and very mad.  Something with a swollen, claw-like hand which rips the good doctor's face off.

BASKET CASE is about a young man who was born with a Siamese twin attached to his side.  At an early age, the monstrous twin was surgically removed, but lived to deeply resent his cut-off day.  His normal looking brother goes to New York, carrying a large basket wherever he goes.  In the basket is the hideous twin.  Neither brother can rest until they avenge their surgical separation by killing the doctors responsible.

A critically acclaimed horror classic, Rex Reed says, "BASKET CASE is the sickest movie I've ever seen."  The San Francisco Chronicle calls it "A rare picnic for horror fans."  It is a rare find in the tradition of ERASERHEAD and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, you'll want to see it over and over again.

Well, this was a very pleasant surprise.  Considering the plot, it is, at times, a slow-paced movie, but don't take that the wrong way - there are no wasted shots.  The set dressing, thankfully, is provided by New York City in 1981.  (What do you want bet that, after filming scenes with "blood" splattered everywhere, that they just left it there and no one then or in the future batted an eye?)  Plus, even if it's a throwaway character - The Bag Lady!

You just don't see The Bag Lady around anymore.  I remember on old Late Night episodes, Dave would mention them now and again and, upon arriving in Boston for school, they were always, slowly, on the streets.  Perhaps a product of time and place.

(pouring wine)

Man: Listen, if I have any more, I'm liable...liable to-

Dr. Cutter: That's all right, I like you drunk.  You're cute when you slobber.

(Phone rings)

Dr: Cutter: SHIT.

As with many films on this list, it's a no-star cast, but that doesn't matter if they give it their all and are eager to please.  Trust me, this film is ridiculous in all the right parts.

Practical effects!  Besides, when do you ever see the creature go insane?!  Not against a person, but against its own lot in life?  There's even stop motion!  This movie has it all.  By the way - how many times, in a low moment, have you found yourself sitting in a similar position, hashing out recent life choices?

The 3rd act flashbacks slow the film down, but they aren't bad.  Besides, we all get back to it in time.  

Hang in there, baby!  This film shows what happens when you go for it and things just work out.  Strong recommendation.  Seeing this film renewed my faith in hitting the finish line!