In case you hadn’t figured it out yet, I’m a professional eating coach. My job is to prepare my students for any kind of food eating activity that they may come across at anytime in their daily lives. This could include meals, snacks, or contests. I’ve turned out a few of the great eaters of our time.
The following is a memo sent to one of my then-prize pupils, who happened to be in the Las Vegas area when he contacted me. He alerted me to a challenge laid before him at the Las Vegas Club in downtown Las Vegas. A 9lb burger consumed in 24 hours is free! And you get a plaque on the wall, showing proof of your great success. A hall of fame of sorts…
For security sake, we’ll refer to him as Ben.
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Okay, so I've worked out your marathon schedule Ben. It's a pretty solid schedule that should keep you full of wonderful cheese burger - but not too full. You'll have some time to gamble, sleep, rest, jog and whatever else it is you'll need to keep the juices flowing.
I've done some research and I've got good sources that tell me beef loses about 25% of it's actual weight when it's cooked. So assuming the 9 lbs is pre-cooked weight, you're looking at roughly 6.75 lbs of deliciousness. Or, in terms you may better understand, 27 quarter pounders. That's a little over 1 an hour. It's a very attainable goal!! Of course, you can't just stay up for 24 hours - you'll need your beauty sleep and sports as well. So, below you'll find your schedule. I'm sorry Coach can't be there, but I'll be rooting for you the whole way!!
Saturday January 14, 2005
11am - 1pm You're eating. A lot. You're going off with a big bang here. You're goal - 10 QPs right off the bat (only 5 per hour!). It'll be like a delicious snack to start your day!
1pm-3pm You're resting - rooting against Michigan as Illinois hits jumpers in their eyes all day! Oh, and don't for get the NFL - oh yeah, it's on then too!
3pm-4pm It's time for your afternoon snack! Grab 5 more QPs and, as my mentor said, "GET 'ER DONE!"
4pm-9pm This is your first big break. You'll be hard pressed to choose between sleep and watching OUR North Dakota State Bison fight it out with the Jackrabbits of South Dakota. Oooh! And Tark's old mates will be tearin' at the towel as the night goes on.
9pm-10pm Dinner is served! You've got a light 3 QPs to eat! This would be a good time, if you felt like "Goin' off," to grab a couple extras if you wanna lighten the load for the later rounds!
10pm-12am Nap time! Well, either that or you can fight your demons at the Pai Gow table. You might get lucky and catch a little Aussie ponies, but don't count on it.
12am-1am Boy, those naps sure to leave a young strapping lad famished! Time for 3 more QPs! Of course if you had gotten neck deep in QPs in an earlier round, you could use this time to extend your next break!
1am-8am This should probably be used for sleep, but since you can’t tame a wild animal, I'll leave you to your JokerPoker machines.
8am-11am Home stretch!! You've got 6 QPs to kill in 3 hours! You'll either be rested and ready for a lovely breakfast, or red eyed and ready for a bed time snack!!
I think the plan I've laid out is one that will lead you to success. I see great things in your immediate future - namely your picture up on the wall in the Vegas Club and 24 hours worth of free eating!!
Good luck son, make me proud!
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Unfortunately, this challenge was not what it seemed. Apparently you had to stay in the restaurant the whole time - 24 hours. Ben, unfortunately, was not able to do without gambling for that amount of time, so he did not attempt the feat. Ponies and Pai Gow called more loudly than pounds of delicious red meat. I was forced to let him go. When the student cannot show discipline he is forced out of my school of eating and sent West, as the saying goes. It’s always sad when that happens. Many o' good eaters have been sent into exile.
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