That's the way it's done

“I’d like to cancel the order. In fact, I have some equipment I’d like to sell.”


I’m almost tempted not to write about the Dodgers, because each day adds a new wrinkle. And wrinkles aren’t the kind of shit that makes anything look better. At first it was the good news: “Slimy” Steve Soboroff has left the team. His role seemed to mainly talk up what a great guy Frank McCourt is to the entire world. He couldn’t find a lot of interested parties and, seeing the financial documents, conveniently left his job…on a Sunday. Remember that, because…

MONDAY, Frank files for bankruptcy. That’s bad. Frank has no money. Bud wisely nixes Frank’s mysterious Fox Sports deal since court documents show Frank planned on taking half the cash from a multi-billion dollar deal and sharing it with his wife. This was, you know, to pay their legal fees. Fees encountered in a divorce proceeding.

The Dodge then hit Minnesota, unknowingly on “Get a hit, get an RBI for free” night. That’s good. Hey, I’ve been there, Twins fans. We were swept by Dusty Baker. We slept knowing the slow process of Bud taking over the team was at hand. But the wheeler-dealer had one more math problem on his sheet.

If you had to choose between these two loans, which would you take?

A. 7% interest, no fee

B. 10% interest, $4.5 million fee

Now, since you are smart, you’ve chosen A. But how good are you at losing money? How good are you at spending money you don’t have? If you are a champion of bleeding money (yours and others), well, you choose B. And you use that as evidence that all is well. Paychecks WILL be sent out on Thursday. No forfeits for the next few weeks! This is a good choice if you are a complete and utter moron. Or, Frank McCourt. Remember this folks, because there will be another “deal” soon, where he’ll save the day by overspending and trying his hardest to show you how he saved!

“Change the Channel”

A recent trip to Las Vegas enlarged a shocking trend. It was the furthering of television show slot machines, and that all of this was at the expense of table games. Want to try “Paradise Poker?” Oh, I bet you don’t like the odds. But check this out, a Password Slot! Match 5 Marty Allen’s in a row and win 16 cents! Who’s Marty Allen? Well, it’s someone whose likeness we got for cheap! Looks like the single deck black jack table is all full again. How about this $50 minimum multi-deck table? Oh, I see you’re a Fantasy fan. Then you’re really going to like this Lord of the Rings slot machine. Can you find the ring? If so, match 3 for the bonus!

Some of this, to me, is sweet justice to casinos. The actual gamblers are avoiding games that are so tilted toward the house it’s not worth it. So, while the high limit folks continue to have their own section, the rest figure they might as well be entertained while losing (or possibly making) money! It’s unnerving, walking past tables with attentive dealers. Checking, and checking again, and again, their chips and cards. They are completely ready. Quietly, they eye the moving clientele.

"What, you’re not good enough for this game? Oh, you’re wondering where the bowling alley is, Megabucks? It’s next to the food court. (sigh) What time do I get off?"

Happy St. Patrick’s Day in June?!

Upon returning, it’s been another cruel start to the summer out here. It’s even crueler near the beach, where I make deals. You’d think that would be idyllic: summertime, beach, and Lowenbrau. But each day in Santa Monica is met with temps and weather fit for March Madness, not summertime gold. By months end, 28 of the 30 days will show below average temps. The average? 72-75 degrees. That might not mean a lot to YOU, but I didn’t buy beer brats and kool-aid because I thought it was March. It’s because it’s fucking SUMMER. Of course, it will be 88 in November, and we’ll rejoice. But is there ever a season where you want it to be what it should be like summer?! Of course not. We gotta heat up. Ah, Potsy’s box o BBQ sauces has arrived. Get that grill going.

Foul Balls

So, our beloved Bums are now "owned" by Major League Baseball.  Or is it "controlled?"  "Making decisions?"  Whatever the phrase, it is the beginning of a step in the right direction.  Slimey McSlime is slowly on his way out, facing a very tough future.  His business deals, shady as the day is long...his wife, who only seemed to be married to him if it helped her own bottom line...the houses, bought high (in value and in total) and sitting low.  But my favorite: Owning land...creating a new company..."selling" the land to the new company...then PAYING RENT to it.  It's something you still own, but you create something else to support. 

This, while the parking lot gets sketchy.

Questions to consider:
Are there Dodger fans who were L.A. Raiders fans?  Of course. 
Did the L.A. Raiders fans become Dodgers fans once the team moved back north?  Possibly. 
Did that mentality of the fans in the stands slowly turn Raiders?  Not really.
Is the parking lot a clusterfuck, enraging even the saintly?  Absolutely.

Since the divorce trial, Slimey has taken a very hands-off approach.  He's seen less frequently, and heard from even less than that.  It took a week for Slimey to acknowledge a Giants fan beaten by the "gang mentality" (LAPD's words) and it appeared Slimey was most concerned with how it would cost him money.  Money he doesn't have, ironically. 

In a very USFL move, Slimey took out a loan from Fox Sports to give the organization the April paychecks.  Good PR move.  With the prospect of a stadium 1/4th full...fans scared to go to games in person, and an owner who can't foot the bill for the all-you-can-eat section, MLB did the right thing.  All Dodger fans I know (and those who aren't) like the change. 

Who doesn't?  McSlime loyalists, such as Steve Soboroff.  None of this was really his business until, just as this deal went down, McSlime hired Soboroff to become "Vice Chairman."  (Hey - that was his wife's old job!)  One of his duties is to "improve the fan experience" which (as of now) means "not getting knifed in parking lot J."  In his latest "interview" to the LA Times, Soboroff included these gems:

On Slimey McSlime:
"[He's] a different person now moving forward."

On why he's the right man for the job:
"I don't drink. I don't use drugs. I don't use steroids."

Let's just do a block quote from the story because holy SHIT:
On Commissioner Bud Selig: "What did the commissioner of baseball do? He increased the value, he increased revenue lines. He did all kinds of great things for baseball. If you read his Wikipedia and you read Frank's Wikipedia, they ain't too different."


Reading between the lines of all Gofuckoff stated shows 1 thing: his concern is for Slimey McSlime.  The Dodgers?  Well...yeah, but you know, my pal Slimey will be just fine.  (Anyone else sensing under the table money?)  Meanwhile, the future is completely unknown for the team going forward.  Setting the scorecard, you have a 1st time 1st-year manager leading a team of players...the majority of which are new to the organization.  And who are the 3 right now at the top?
Bud Selig
Slimey McSlime
Steve Soboroff, who's been on the job less than a week, and has no experience.  (He doesn't seem too concerned about the team, either)
 
Our beloved Dodge are fucked.  Tommy!  Big Pisan!  Save us!