Sports in the Heartland, Part "Doof"

Three years ago, Drew wrote a summary of where sports were in the twin farms.  The summary wasn't that glowing in full, and now things might be worse.  Consider the following flat tires on the mini-van:

> The Minnesota Twins are in the dumper.  A year removed from winning the division and legions of fans who devoured the concession wares, the Twins posted the worst record in the American League.  Further reports on the blog to your right give the impression the model for which the franchise had been built in the 00's is long busted.  I won't pinpoint to what, exactly, is the biggest factor to the fall...I just hope Joe Mauer doesn't have the Hog Flu.

> The Vikings "start" is their worst in 9 years.  For those NOT Vikings fans (the majority of this blog's writers) it has been entertaining to watch.  All the warning signs were there: retread QB, lack of key position players.  Yet, the fanbase continue to chug ahead.  Remember: this is a fanbase who knows the Vikings are ready for a Super Bowl dynasty "if they just get the guys they need."  True, these 3 losses have been close games, and you don't need to tell ME about close losses.  Consider last night's Redskins loss...and the fact that the last 3 trips to Dallas brought a 1 point loss, a 3 point loss, and a 2 point loss.

(Fun Gambling Story: Lazily beginning my Sunday, I see the Vikings game is at halftime and they are up big.  Knowing their story, I attempt to place a 2nd half bet for Detroit -4.  I receive a missive that the bet I'm trying to make has now changed.  It's -4.5.  OK, lemme have...that and Detroit 2nd half moneyline.  "Your proposed bet has closed."  Huh?  Halftime didn't end for another five minutes...but the word was out, and heavy coin was being placed on Detroit.  Been a long time since that happened.  You can guess the result.)

> The University of Minnesota's football team was recently outclassed by North Dakota State.  The coach might legally not be elgible to be on the sidelines.  Fans and reporters point fingers at everyone but themselves.  More in-state recruits hit the bricks.  Anticipate U of M-Crookston being added to the schedule in 2013.

> Gathering all relevant reports, the Wolves don't really exist.  4 cans o beans still get you two (2) tickets to a game.  I wish them luck, of course.  Your reporter received silence on the phone when asked if the town was "ready for the season."

> It would also appear that the Wild fanbase could care less if they achieve success.  Sure, they might not attend all dates because Madison and Tanner have their Mite game at 5:00 at the Bloomington Ice Garden, but that's OK.  The Wild do seem to make news now and then for illegal hits, and I'm perfectly fine with that.  Old time hockey.  It's just that when the Stars left, my ability to properly care about the NHL went with them...maybe you know someone who feels the same?

It was one of these rake-ups that led my own mother to say (swimming against the tide of reality - a Minnesota problem if there was one) "How 'bout the Linx?"  I apparently misunderstood her, thinking she was making a golf reference.  "No, our WNBA team."  I laughed, heartily.  I laughed AT my own mother...and had to be the person to tell her "If the WNBA is your big highlight right now, does that mean you're no longer following the Viki--"  "Oh NO...but they're a good bunch of girls."

That response sent my mind wandering to somewhere else in that state.  A truthful yet mythical locale.  "Yes, ladies and gentlemen these are the Spring Prairie Homecoming Queens for 2011.  A great bunch of gals there.  Is it true two of you work at Rosie's Diner?  I'll have to stop by and say hello.  Line up for da pictures now, girls.  What a great bunch of girls.  Band practice starts in 10 minutes in the Cafitorium."

The rest of the seasons for the aforementioned teams can't be THAT bad, can they?  It won't snow AS much this year, will it?  This waistband WILL stretch if needed, right, LuAnn?

But the Earth is all we know

A casual glance makes me seem ambivalent, doesn't it?  Shit, maybe I am, but I'm making deals somehow.  Just you see.  That might be a college football bet coming in.  It might be lunch plans with the diplomats from Paraguay.  Or, an evening at a swanky nightclub in Santa Monica, which is when I was snapped into an alternate-reality (beyond a congregation of robots) by Smiley.

Dealville surrounds me, but does not envelop anyone.  You could tell me you're visiting but lost yourself in a Ross Dress-For-Less off the freeway...and then I'd tell you to get the fuck out as fast as possible.  So in said nightclub (outdoors on the deck), when first glance is all anyone gives anyone else, I would advise to find a pocket where people have broken away and are making it happen.  Blending in?  Worry not, tell them you program "hold" music.  You run a puppy spa.  You are an accountant for bakeries.  They don't give a fuck. 

So, I had my entry key to this window of gold.  Should I behave myself differently because it's a wedding after-party and I've never met the bride and groom?  Of course not!  Dance, bullshit, keep an eye on the waitress.  Looks like the tab is still going - how polite of these aggressively drunk revelers to include me! 

Moments later, the bride was laying on the lap of Smiley and myself.  I had to be involved somehow, right?  If I didn't hold on to her waist, she would roll on to the floor.  So that was her desired position - I would never be able to live with myself to see the photographer take snapshots of her on the floor, no matter the cheerful attitude.  There is a photo, somewhere on the east coast, of us as a motley crew.  7 and 7 in hand.  Everyone's happy.

"We're visiting from Florida...I love the feel of this town."  Hell, you're on your 12th drink - if you still feel that way, I'd consider that a ringing endorsement. 

"Really?!  I grew up in Coon Rapids.  Did you know they wanted to change the name to Rapid City, but they couldn't afford the stationary, so they didn't do it."  If that isn't true, it should be.

"I'm in Silver Lake."  Wow, very hip.  "Yeah...it's..."  Maybe another line of questioning, miss?

This went on and on until we made the 2nd (3rd?) goodbye.  The glow that you get after a night of sudden fun: is it that you found gold, or is it because gold found you?  I slept 10 hours and then woke up and actually said "Oh man...what time is it?  Oh - football is on."