The thing is, I'm not a masochist. Despite efforts to brand me as such, I enjoy giving pain as much as I enjoy taking it. I don't fit in with the pre-judged idea of a misery-seeking fan. I have priorities, and I have class. Used to be, I could look my teams square in the eye and level them up. A Wyse Old Owl once told me "He's an asshole, but he's a straight shooter, so I can't fault him". Goddamned right. I couldn't fault those teams of the past.
This ain't the past.
I see the future spinning away, lost in a vortex of pain and failed promises, the only hope being that management will Figure It Out, and that's not likely.
Let's just recap, shall we?
KG, Santana, Hunter and Favre. Gone within 14 months of each other. Nothing left to say, open sores, wounds that shouldn't heal.
To run it down, KG was the worst, followed by Santana, then Brett, then Big T. Excuses for each become heavier as you go on, but they never make sense. You can only replace Good Players with Good Players... you can't replace them with "cap relief". You'll win 20 games that way. Or 22, if you're the Timberwolves, and you catch Indiana on a day they don't care.
To begin, there ceases to exist a professional basketball team in this territory. They forfeited that on July 30, 2007. They gave up any claim they ever have to being a franchise, they traded away the only thing they had ever done right, they erased everything they had ever accomplished. They took a Good, and replaced it with a Walking Shit-heap. The destruction of the franchise was complete, and now all that's left is the contraction or the relocation. This one isn't going to last long. I just read in the Local Paper that Corey Brewer had "added some weight" this offseason. Gee, I sure hope he also added some "ability to play basketball without urine streaming down his leg".
The college football equivalent of the Vikings is just that, a failing bumbling franchise bound to play the opening of TCF Stadium to a stadium 3 quarters full of Hawkeye fans. Their coach is comically bad - I've heard him described as "intense" which sounds to me like "screaming at everyone as I call fullback dive once again". I sure wish this team could return to prominence again, but by hiring Brewster, they've given a message to the rest of the Big Ten that they can go ahead and send out the punt team for that week on their schedule for the next few years.
Speaking of pigskin, something ain't right with this Green and Gold, and I ain't talking quarterback. The cornerback has a broken spleen, and we're about due for WR injuries to start mounting. Johnny Jolly is definitely Jolly, and it's only going to take 9 wins to take the Central, but still. When Jon Gruden does you where it don't feel good, it, well, doesn't feel good. At least the coach is respectably overweight.
Gopher basketball is going to come around, mark my fucking words.
I don't acknowledge that a pro hockey team plays here, so we can skip that. Besides all the account managers from Eden Prairie who are more than willing to drop 150 per game to see the fucking Blackhawks, the main problem with the Wild are that they have no continuity between seasons besides Marion Gaborik, who has a perpetually broken dick. They traded their goalie in the middle of the season and he went on to the Cup with Edmonton. So, I guess management has a few things to think about.
Speaking of ice, the Gopher Hockey team is laughingly underachieving. Holy Cross, gotta have some. It hasn't been this bad since Wooger. What, is Bemidji State going to sweep the home and home? Can we get Iowa Tech up here for a game? Minnesota State has passed them in the rankings, and that's not even a real school. When UMD is putting the screws to you every year, well, it's time for Lucia to cut that mop.
That brings us to the Minnesota Motherfucking.
This is how a team should be built, a quality franchise jettisoning players at the right time and constantly thinking two or three moves ahead of the rest of the league. While Baltimore and Cincinnati flail about in a desperate attempt to put together a team that can win more than 80 games, the Twins fall ass backwards into a starting rotation with an average age of 25 years old, and a centerfielder who doesn't know that when he's playing indoors there is no wind. Their manager chews more seeds than he chews his players' asses, and he chews more snoose than that. Big Red, and he takes it by the pouch. The Right Fielder slides into the base head first like a little dickhead, so they call up Pipe Hittin Gangster from AAA, and he becomes Rickey Fuck Henderson for 3 months, and just when Cuddles is ready to come back, he fouls a ball off his foot, which causes him to miss another two months, to which Pipe Hittin Gangster says "I'm going to sport this Ice Cube beard and hit triples to the opposite field because obviously I don't care anymore". The Twins, quite simply, won games because they tried harder than the other teams, which is actually a rarity in these parts. It's one of those things that makes me happy to watch... this season. Next year, it ain't going to be so easy. Who wants to make a bet on Span trying that hard next year? Kubel? Fuck that, it's time to get paid.
I wish I had more to say about this, but I'm fading into the volcano, and there's a whole lot of black between me and the core. I wish I had it figured out, but I'm just a stupid fan. I'm tied to these teams, and one run playoff losses cannot break the binds.
1 comment:
Careful.
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