It’s amazing how quickly life can change. One minute you’re sitting at the bar pouring Tall Gingers down your throat, the next minute you’re sifting through the back of your garage looking for some paint to huff. Heeeere Krylon, Krylon, Krylon. I’ve been sitting around drinking Mojitos, next thing I know I’ve got a bottle of Wal-Mart mouthwash. It’s like time travel, except the clock hasn’t moved very much. It’s more like I’ve traveled between parallel worlds. Yeah, I’m in my backyard, but instead of sitting in a chair sipping Johnny Jump-ups, I’m digging through my dumpster in a hunt for the rotten gas can I tossed out last week. Ha HA! I’ve got you now!
It’s hard to explain, I’ve had many meetings with my lawyer regarding the subject and I still don’t have it all down, but I’ll try to explain.
We’re all layered people. On one level, I’m a nice guy who pays his taxes, brushes his teeth, even showers regularly. Fuck you guys who don’t believe me! But on the level next to that one, I’m the scumbag who’s licking gas off the pump and shitting in your front yard. On yet another level, I’m a truck driver snorting White, just to stay awake so I don’t run over your daughter on the highway, or I’m the guy who rapes your dog. There’s also one of those “personalities” that really stands out – like I’m mostly the guy who drinks and smokes too much, drives drunk, and doesn’t always wash his hands after pissing. It’s mostly liquor anyways. Of course every one of us has those times when you get stuck thinking on something much darker than you normally do – like drinking gas and raping your neighbors’ cat. You can deny it all you want, but that will only make that thought grow in your mind, as you mentally mutate it into something much uglier and brutal. I could throw numerous examples out there, but then again, I don’t want to go to jail.
Those thoughts, those actions that you take in your mind, those are your way of venturing into that other worldly-self. That’s the evil in your soul coming to the surface, to show you its face. Johnny, is that you? Like I said, you’re in trouble if you ignore those thoughts because they’ll mutate, but could be in even more trouble if you reach out to those ideas, especially if you don’t know how to control them. There are the ones that reach so far for those ideas that they can’t get back to their own world, their own mind. Instead of drinking their morning coffee and reading the paper, they’re gulping sulfur and molesting collies. Stop talking about my uncle, assholes. Or worse. The good ones simply end up in an asylum because their propensity for good keeps battling the evil and eventually they become bystanders in the war for their own mind. The other end of that spectrum, well, we call those ones serial killers. Those are the ones that embrace their evil undersides and end up enveloping themselves in those thoughts. They don’t care to get help because, in their minds, they don’t need it. They’ve been awoken by the demons and move to their beats, dance their dance, no longer in service to this world.
There is another group as well. Those are the folks that know how to harness the evil thoughts and use them, for better or worse. They can transition between worlds and use them to their benefit and still keep grasp on their own mind. They know the rules, the lines they can cross, and can, more often than not, make it back. Some can control when they delve into those other words, go todash if you will, but most cannot. They’ll find themselves switching between them, almost subconsciously. I am one of the latter. I can harness the power when it comes but cannot control when I come or go. At least consciously. My mind forces me either way and, if I get into trouble, it forces me back. It’s like being on a rollercoaster wearing a blindfold. You feel it happen, but you can’t see when. Or when you wake up from a dream and don’t realize it was, in fact, a dream. Your mind turns it into a story, relating as much as it can to your right here and right now. Those who cannot go todash are unable to believe that those little trips were anything but dreams. They are disturbed by those trips so much that their minds cannot wrap themselves around the idea that it was actually happening and forces the belief that they were imagined. Even when it’s so real, they’ll call it a “waking dream.”
One must be very comfortable with their mental state to believe and embrace these trips because the mind has trouble hanging on. Imagination and acceptance are the keys to success, but one must be very careful as to how much of each one has. Too much imagination can lead to going over the edge and not enough can leave you out, no matter how badly you try to accept it.
Oh Christ, I’m supposed to be in an AA meeting right now!
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