Ok, christ. You wanted it - well when it's all over, remember that you asked for this. You looked in my eyes as it happened.
I need to expound on a theory of sports, which will violently degenerate into a theory about my life, which will then bring us to failure, and that's where it always ends anyway, right?
Right, so get on with it. Roll it tight so when it lights, there's no fight. The money runs everything. We don't go to Canterbury park to watch the pretty horses run in circles. And we don't watch the Panthers play the Bears on a Sunday afternoon unless there is a Reason. And that reason is 33.5 points, of which you'd be smart to bet on the low side. So isn't that a good starting point? The money? It always follows the money anyway. You can discuss sports, but unless you're a Dallas commentator, you can't have a meaningful discussion without eventually touching upon money. This should be the basis of most of the conversation regarding modern sports. Everything else is so fucking played out.
You think Lou Brock gave a shit about the game? You think Barry Bonds is an arrogant asshole who cares only about himself and that Mickey Mantle is a hero to millions of big-nosed drunks in the Bronx? That's a load of shit. The only difference between then and now is the coverage. That's it. There is more coverage of the little things, and media giants like ESPN blow these out of proportion. Terrell Owens would have been a "crazy cat" in the 70s. He would have been known for the touchdown dances, sure, but his contract shit would have been back page news.
So, is it racism? Has the press become more racist? I wouldn't go that far. But I think it's a fundamental fact that needs to be addressed when examining the relationship between media and sports: most athletes are black (or foreign born) and most reporters, broadcasters and columnists are white. It's a fact, so let's deal with it. Now, that doesn't mean that because white people say bad things about black people that it's racist. Or vice versa. It just means... be careful. Be very careful when reading these reports, because there's often something there... something just beyond the print, something buried in the ambition. Personally, I doubt there is a big racist machine driving sports reporting in this country, but I'm not stupid enough to pretend that a good portion of NFL fans look at Randy Moss without a touch of racism. Especially in Minnesota, for fuck's sake.
(bring it back, don't lose it) It comes back to the coverage. The media giants are just fucking lost. I am constantly encouraged by blogs. The Twins community here is wonderful, and other communities are thriving as well. Basketball blogs are blowing up too. When NFL fans finally get down to Circuit City to get them that new Packard Bell computator, there'll be some of those too. It's growing, it's getting better. I don't even read MLB.com articles anymore. I don't read ESPN articles about baseball unless they are written by Rob Neyer or God Gammons. I go to my local bloggers to read their take on the game, and I read the box score from Sportsline. And I think the revolution is happening. And I also think that's WHY ESPN is looking so stupid these days. Because they are flailing their arms trying to gain attention, trying to out-do the blogs, trying to make their name in a changing market. Hell, it's admirable. But I don't like it. They used to be the worldwide leader in sports, now it's just a joke. This fake press conference thing? Sportscenter? It's just sad. Not to mention the dispropotionate time they give to "sagas" as opposed to real highlights. They are trying to gain an edge, to get a foothold while the sports reporting world changes. But they're going to lose. These big companies are going to lose. The power of the people will triumph. There are enough people like me out there - people who are pissed off at the way sports is covered and want it to change. There are enough idiots who carry iPods on the bus who can turn on their laptop and blog about slugging percentages of minor league players. They are out there, they have a following, and their energy will prevail. The old system will die.
But then, it all comes back to money, doesn't it? The money drives it, makes it real. And I guess the big sports reporting agencies have the money. The TV contracts, the endorsements, it's something that the bloggers will never have. I don't think any pud with an understanding of sabrmetrics and a worn copy of Ball Four is going to have much of a chance against fucking Disney. I mean, it's run by Jews, so you know....
Shout out to Gregg Easterbrook. Stay up, player! Don't let the Conspiracy get to you!
So will it ever change? The money stays localized, it hardly ever moves. Look at that fucking deal EA got with the NFL. That's just sad. And it's like that. Monday night football is going to be on ESPN? Strange. Is Stu Scott going to announce? Maybe Joe Morgan? And after the game, you can scoot over to ESPN U to watch... rowing. Anyway, it's an uphill climb, but hopefully, the discussion about sports will eventually return to the simplicity of the old times:
Drunk fan: Hey Aaron, you're a bum!
Aaron: Yeah yeah, shut your trap, drunk.
Drunk fan: (pause) Hey Aaron, you're a FUCKIN bum! (laughs, gives high five to his overweight friend)
I can smell the Miller from here.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Whip me, Beat me, Make me write bad checks
This is a rare moment for me, with work briefly subsiding as the sun sets on the end of November. Turning the speaker on its side, I gotta think about Devo. The start of all of their songs is eerily similar. Sometimes it just keeps that same thing up for three minutes. You ask for that small figure of life back. But then...sometimes, about a minute in, the lever is pushed up. They have something. It's unique. A voice. Something to admire in times of pap.
I still have Thanksgiving food in my fridge.
In my cupboards, all over the fucking place. I love the wild turkey (drink and meal) but I'm done doing the cooking for a while. Spending time in the kitchen to make the meal that you could get at a diner (aside from the processed Turkey loaf, which tastes like tires soaking in the ocean) any damn time. I guess that Tupperware of Stove Top is going to get some cheese on top and be washed down with some Jimmy Beam.
Don't be fooled: San Diego is not a "mini-LA"
It's cool to say this. It would sum up the feelings of people who want to live/stay in LA but just don't have the ka-jones to do so. But it's not. There's more homeless people than ATMs in San Diego. It's colder (on the water, sucka). It has a train that goes places. It has a lot of one-way streets. You can walk to a lot of things. But the best of all? It has a lot of high priced restaurants that will do ANYTHING to get people in. They're all over the place. So do your fucking homework. If the place is actually called Mr. Tiki Mai Tai Lounge, you'd better go there...and flirt with the waitress and give her a tip smaller than she expects. She had an attitude anyway. You will also down a giant Mai Tai that makes you so hungry you can barely eat. Then, as you watch the Hawaii/Wisconsin game on a big TV (out of place in a restaurant of this style, but the programming fit right in) have another drink. Pace yourself, dummy, you just put away a lot of bird.
The Texas football coach is starting to piss me off
If you were the coach, you'd be wearing at least a cowboy hat and an elliptical belt buckle. If natives would let you, you'd go farther. Why? Why the fuck not? Look, June Jones wears a lei around his neck. Jerry Glanville would have his players wearing black in a night game at a grocery store parking lot. What does this tell you? The school doesn't give a shit. So make it happen.
Notre Dame isn't that good, which is a phrase you've heard before
My job is not limited to the day-to-day volleys of question/answer. Coming soon, I will see if, in fact, Notre Dame IS a bigger draw to a bowl game. Let's see...the combined winning percentage of the teams they defeated is .450. Only 3 have winning records. Blah blah blah playoff blah blah.
Come on, Clippers!
Do it for the south side. Do it for Kobe and his tights. Do it to show the fans you've overcome a moron owner and GM. Do it because Hulk Hogan is on your team. Do it before Sam gets injured. Do it so I can see LA people figure out when to get excited about them, and what to do if they win.
Find me the cheesy chips...it's drinky time. I've said enough.
I still have Thanksgiving food in my fridge.
In my cupboards, all over the fucking place. I love the wild turkey (drink and meal) but I'm done doing the cooking for a while. Spending time in the kitchen to make the meal that you could get at a diner (aside from the processed Turkey loaf, which tastes like tires soaking in the ocean) any damn time. I guess that Tupperware of Stove Top is going to get some cheese on top and be washed down with some Jimmy Beam.
Don't be fooled: San Diego is not a "mini-LA"
It's cool to say this. It would sum up the feelings of people who want to live/stay in LA but just don't have the ka-jones to do so. But it's not. There's more homeless people than ATMs in San Diego. It's colder (on the water, sucka). It has a train that goes places. It has a lot of one-way streets. You can walk to a lot of things. But the best of all? It has a lot of high priced restaurants that will do ANYTHING to get people in. They're all over the place. So do your fucking homework. If the place is actually called Mr. Tiki Mai Tai Lounge, you'd better go there...and flirt with the waitress and give her a tip smaller than she expects. She had an attitude anyway. You will also down a giant Mai Tai that makes you so hungry you can barely eat. Then, as you watch the Hawaii/Wisconsin game on a big TV (out of place in a restaurant of this style, but the programming fit right in) have another drink. Pace yourself, dummy, you just put away a lot of bird.
The Texas football coach is starting to piss me off
If you were the coach, you'd be wearing at least a cowboy hat and an elliptical belt buckle. If natives would let you, you'd go farther. Why? Why the fuck not? Look, June Jones wears a lei around his neck. Jerry Glanville would have his players wearing black in a night game at a grocery store parking lot. What does this tell you? The school doesn't give a shit. So make it happen.
Notre Dame isn't that good, which is a phrase you've heard before
My job is not limited to the day-to-day volleys of question/answer. Coming soon, I will see if, in fact, Notre Dame IS a bigger draw to a bowl game. Let's see...the combined winning percentage of the teams they defeated is .450. Only 3 have winning records. Blah blah blah playoff blah blah.
Come on, Clippers!
Do it for the south side. Do it for Kobe and his tights. Do it to show the fans you've overcome a moron owner and GM. Do it because Hulk Hogan is on your team. Do it before Sam gets injured. Do it so I can see LA people figure out when to get excited about them, and what to do if they win.
Find me the cheesy chips...it's drinky time. I've said enough.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Truckin' Continues
It seems Steve Simpson couldn't find this page if it was taped to the inside of his pants. So, here's a swingin expose into his mind that I thought would fit here. Further writings to follow.
------------
I could never get into the posthumous releases from Biggie. I think it really all came together on Ready To Die. Life After Death has some rock solid hits, but Born Again doesn't have the same quality that RTD had. I think basically, Juicy is like the story of Notorious B.I.G. It's damn near a perfect rap song. "Blowin up like you thought I would, color "crip", same number same hood, it's all good..." All that said though, Dead Wrong knocks you the fuck out. Relax and take notes...Anyway, thanks to that panhandled segway, I guess we can get into the purpose of this post.
Sometimes, I need to just admit that I'm wrong about sports.
I am rarely one to really jump out there and give bold predictions. I content myself to make comments on the current condition of the sporting world, make snide observations about local athletes and sports celebrities, and generally just say shit that everyone else knows anyway. To the tune of rap lyrics. But there are occasions where I will go out on a limb and profess to know something about sports that few others do. It is in these times that I feel a sense of power, like I'm telling people something they don't know, and above all, I'm RIGHT, and they know I'm right, and there's no way to disprove it because it hasn't happened yet.
The problem, Jack, is that usually, I end up wrong about things. I'm only forgiven from being wrong by the fact that the people I give my predictions to have very bad memories. But I remember. And it tears me up.I'll give you a brief example. In October 2004, after game 3 of the ALCS, I wrote this to my friend:
"I'll say this about the Yankees and Red Sox, and you and I have different perspectives: The Yankees are all about winning. For the purity of the game, they represent the closest thing to perfection there is. They are built to win, always. They are the alpha and the omega. Now, most other teams in baseball have figured this out, and have gone about their business in their own way. It's like the Yankees are the Romans, and most of the other teams are content to just carve out their piece of land, try to prosper, have a good time, and occaisionally make an effort to take down Rome. But they don't obsess over it. Then there's the Red Sox. This is a team, an entire CULTURE built SOLELY for the purpose of defeating the Evil Yankees. They have the inferiority complex to end all inferiority complexes. Their entire existence is defined by the Yankees. Yankees get A-Rod, they have to go get Schilling. Yankees get Olerud, they have to get Doug from the Twins. Everything they do, every action they take is viewed through the lens of defeating the Yankees. But here's the thing: They're not as good at running an organization as the Yankees. Nobody is. Their culture breeds incompetence. Why is their manager so stupid? Why do their players act like idiots? Why are their fans so completely insane? Because their culture is so atomistic, so intensely focused on the Yankees, they don't ever stop to think about, oh, I don't know, PLAYING BASEBALL LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYED. Now you've got the long hair, the beards, the goofy handshakes and the general clown-ness of the team. And that's all good and everything, but I think they're selling their fans out. The fans in that city expect them to eventually, some day, best the Yankees. But the players are playing the role of the stoner going in for a job interview. Yeah, to the stoner, even if he doesn't get the job, he's still living his life and having fun, and that's great. But he's being selfish. It would be great to win a world series with a team full of clowns and long-haired hippy types, but it's not going to happen. So just cut the fucking mop and stop whining, Damon. Derek Jeter is better than your whole team because he's more of a professional than anyone you have. Now, this isn't a ringing endorsement of the Yankees, it's more of "What are you doing?!?!?" to the Red Sox. Nobody on the Yankees gives a shit about a curse or the past or being superior. They just care about winning. Isn't that the purity of sports? I understand there is a lot to be said about the way you play the game and if you have fun, but at the end of the season, there's only one team left. That's why you play. Or, at least, that's a big reason why you play. To paraphrase Notorious B.I.G.: The Yankees tell it how it is, the Red Sox tell it how it might be."
Ok, that's just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong, and I feel like a moron for ever thinking it. Yeah, in retrospect, nobody predicted The Comeback. But still, it was stupid stuff to say, and had no logical bearing. I learned from that incident to never form an opinion about something until there has been resolution, one way or another. Here is a short list of things I have to admit that I was wrong about.
1. The Chicago White Sox
2. The Minnesota Twins in 2005
3. Larry Brown
4. Dirk Nowitzki
5. Pau Gasol
6. Grant Hill
7. Eli Manning
8. Brad Johnson
9. Tony Dungy
10. David Ortiz (oh god, it still hurts...)
11. Chauncey Billups
12. Dan Monson
And, I know there will be more. These tend to be in the "Thought that person/team was going to suck royally, and later had to accept that they were decent" category, but I've been wrong the other ways too. I was sending emails like a nuthouse mumbler when I found out Jordan was returning to play with the Wizards and I kept pimping him, even though it was obvious that he sucked. It wasn't until after he retired again, for the first time for the last time, that I realized how stupid that was, and how I should've just looked at his stats and examined his game, instead of cheering for him like some child. I guess the point is that I wish I could learn to not judge players/teams until a rational opinion about them can at least be formed. For example, the reason I thought the White Sox sucked this year is because "The White Sox always suck". The reason they were going to choke in the playoffs? "They always choke in the playoffs". But there is no evidence for this. There is no logic behind it. It's time to view things more objectively, and stop attacking players that I don't like.
What spurred all this? Mostly Brad Johnson. I watched the game last night and fondly remembered when my cousin and I would mercilessly tease and berate Johnson to one another, when he was a backup quarterback for the Vikes. I can remember dropping back, throwing a pass, and having my cousin tell me it "looked like a Brad Johnson pass". That hurt the most. He was nothing, he was a nobody, he never played, so we thought - naturally - that he would never be a starter, and certainly never be any good. 14 years later, he's a super bowl champ and a solid quarterback. Meanwhile, I type this in between phone calls with batshit loonballs. So, Brad Johnson, you won. Drop it.
------------
I could never get into the posthumous releases from Biggie. I think it really all came together on Ready To Die. Life After Death has some rock solid hits, but Born Again doesn't have the same quality that RTD had. I think basically, Juicy is like the story of Notorious B.I.G. It's damn near a perfect rap song. "Blowin up like you thought I would, color "crip", same number same hood, it's all good..." All that said though, Dead Wrong knocks you the fuck out. Relax and take notes...Anyway, thanks to that panhandled segway, I guess we can get into the purpose of this post.
Sometimes, I need to just admit that I'm wrong about sports.
I am rarely one to really jump out there and give bold predictions. I content myself to make comments on the current condition of the sporting world, make snide observations about local athletes and sports celebrities, and generally just say shit that everyone else knows anyway. To the tune of rap lyrics. But there are occasions where I will go out on a limb and profess to know something about sports that few others do. It is in these times that I feel a sense of power, like I'm telling people something they don't know, and above all, I'm RIGHT, and they know I'm right, and there's no way to disprove it because it hasn't happened yet.
The problem, Jack, is that usually, I end up wrong about things. I'm only forgiven from being wrong by the fact that the people I give my predictions to have very bad memories. But I remember. And it tears me up.I'll give you a brief example. In October 2004, after game 3 of the ALCS, I wrote this to my friend:
"I'll say this about the Yankees and Red Sox, and you and I have different perspectives: The Yankees are all about winning. For the purity of the game, they represent the closest thing to perfection there is. They are built to win, always. They are the alpha and the omega. Now, most other teams in baseball have figured this out, and have gone about their business in their own way. It's like the Yankees are the Romans, and most of the other teams are content to just carve out their piece of land, try to prosper, have a good time, and occaisionally make an effort to take down Rome. But they don't obsess over it. Then there's the Red Sox. This is a team, an entire CULTURE built SOLELY for the purpose of defeating the Evil Yankees. They have the inferiority complex to end all inferiority complexes. Their entire existence is defined by the Yankees. Yankees get A-Rod, they have to go get Schilling. Yankees get Olerud, they have to get Doug from the Twins. Everything they do, every action they take is viewed through the lens of defeating the Yankees. But here's the thing: They're not as good at running an organization as the Yankees. Nobody is. Their culture breeds incompetence. Why is their manager so stupid? Why do their players act like idiots? Why are their fans so completely insane? Because their culture is so atomistic, so intensely focused on the Yankees, they don't ever stop to think about, oh, I don't know, PLAYING BASEBALL LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYED. Now you've got the long hair, the beards, the goofy handshakes and the general clown-ness of the team. And that's all good and everything, but I think they're selling their fans out. The fans in that city expect them to eventually, some day, best the Yankees. But the players are playing the role of the stoner going in for a job interview. Yeah, to the stoner, even if he doesn't get the job, he's still living his life and having fun, and that's great. But he's being selfish. It would be great to win a world series with a team full of clowns and long-haired hippy types, but it's not going to happen. So just cut the fucking mop and stop whining, Damon. Derek Jeter is better than your whole team because he's more of a professional than anyone you have. Now, this isn't a ringing endorsement of the Yankees, it's more of "What are you doing?!?!?" to the Red Sox. Nobody on the Yankees gives a shit about a curse or the past or being superior. They just care about winning. Isn't that the purity of sports? I understand there is a lot to be said about the way you play the game and if you have fun, but at the end of the season, there's only one team left. That's why you play. Or, at least, that's a big reason why you play. To paraphrase Notorious B.I.G.: The Yankees tell it how it is, the Red Sox tell it how it might be."
Ok, that's just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong, and I feel like a moron for ever thinking it. Yeah, in retrospect, nobody predicted The Comeback. But still, it was stupid stuff to say, and had no logical bearing. I learned from that incident to never form an opinion about something until there has been resolution, one way or another. Here is a short list of things I have to admit that I was wrong about.
1. The Chicago White Sox
2. The Minnesota Twins in 2005
3. Larry Brown
4. Dirk Nowitzki
5. Pau Gasol
6. Grant Hill
7. Eli Manning
8. Brad Johnson
9. Tony Dungy
10. David Ortiz (oh god, it still hurts...)
11. Chauncey Billups
12. Dan Monson
And, I know there will be more. These tend to be in the "Thought that person/team was going to suck royally, and later had to accept that they were decent" category, but I've been wrong the other ways too. I was sending emails like a nuthouse mumbler when I found out Jordan was returning to play with the Wizards and I kept pimping him, even though it was obvious that he sucked. It wasn't until after he retired again, for the first time for the last time, that I realized how stupid that was, and how I should've just looked at his stats and examined his game, instead of cheering for him like some child. I guess the point is that I wish I could learn to not judge players/teams until a rational opinion about them can at least be formed. For example, the reason I thought the White Sox sucked this year is because "The White Sox always suck". The reason they were going to choke in the playoffs? "They always choke in the playoffs". But there is no evidence for this. There is no logic behind it. It's time to view things more objectively, and stop attacking players that I don't like.
What spurred all this? Mostly Brad Johnson. I watched the game last night and fondly remembered when my cousin and I would mercilessly tease and berate Johnson to one another, when he was a backup quarterback for the Vikes. I can remember dropping back, throwing a pass, and having my cousin tell me it "looked like a Brad Johnson pass". That hurt the most. He was nothing, he was a nobody, he never played, so we thought - naturally - that he would never be a starter, and certainly never be any good. 14 years later, he's a super bowl champ and a solid quarterback. Meanwhile, I type this in between phone calls with batshit loonballs. So, Brad Johnson, you won. Drop it.
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