What, did you think I was stopping this quest? Did you think the mediocrity would get to me? I'm not one to make "the talk" - we see things like this to their conclusion out here. And yeah, this just means watching more old horror movies - why wouldn't I?
#40 - Mystics in Bali (1980)
Back of the VHS description: (None found in English)
The description from Bloody Disgusting was that Indonesian films are memorable; would this be the case? Well, if you can look past the dialogue dubbing that was clearly recorded without any viewing of the film altogether & annoying music (which, after a while, I couldn't), we have:
An "evil voice" out of a cereal commercial
Quotes such as: "Delicious. This is good blood." and "Now tell me, young lady, are you ready for the first lesson? Good, good. Now, you need to take off your skirt."
People turn into sows with a clever jump cut.
And, well, these 3 screenshots
I can only wonder who would have chosen this at first glance back then and then their thoughts afterwards. But just when you think you've seen it all...well, look at it!
#39 - The Oracle (1985)
Back of the VHS description: From beyond the grave, a murder victim lashes out a sadistic bloodbath of vengeance. Using a young newlywed couple as his medium, Jennifer is soon possessed by THE ORACLE - a macabre fortune telling game she and her husband find in their apartment. Guided by this restless spirit, Jennifer becomes haunted by unspeakable visions. Then these gruesome dreams come true as The Unseen weaves its evil web of bloody justice. Prepare yourself for the unrelenting carnage and hair-raising terror of THE ORACLE.
I want to get this statement out of the way first: our lead actress, the one playing Jennifer, has acted in 1 film to date. It is this one. She hadn't been in a film before, nor since. Perhaps some stage work? Television commercials? We'll never know.
Now, this film looks awesome. It looks totally pro, and it's just great direction and cinematography. Big ups to Roberta Findlay. This is a very visually appealing film. The practical effects are a ton of fun, too. There are some neat, sneaky DIY shots of 42nd street and New York '84 in general. It's just...
Oh, the acting. It's a mix of poor actors overacting and new actors needing time to work on the skillz. It's a lead actress who only has 1 scream and...she doesn't sound super scared, more of a "what the?" response. An initial struggle and kill is backed with music for a 1980's medieval-set action film.
It also took me over an hour to realize one of the main characters was a woman, but maybe that's on me. However, what maybe moves this film to 51% good would be 2 things. First is this visor:
And second is death by garbage chute. When you're a kid and first encounter one of these, they seem a mystery. Garbage disappears immediately and at a rapid rate. So, when you see what happens to a man attempting to dispose of an item post-haste, well, I bet as a kid I'd have been freaked the fuck out. Again, hilarious effect and well done by all involved. So, yeah, give it to 'em. And in the end, this film has the last breath of New York grindhouse all over it!
#38 - Bloodstream (1985)
Back of the VHS description: None, because this wasn't properly released. So, why is it on the list?
Well, if seen, it begs the question: "What if some British people tried to make a 1980's horror film. Not their own, mind you, a distinctly AMERICAN 1980's horror film? But it's more than that - it's about making a film. Not just that, but the distribution. Are all these layers ok with you?"
Awful acting, confusing editing, weird directorial flourishes, and accents that are much too proper for such fare. But this is 8mm shooting, shots of Betas about, and good instrumental music of the time. DIY all over it, plus you get the clips of "other films" the director is watching with some truly inspired effects. Maybe that should have been the movie instead: distracted (or rejected) horror director watches "other movies" to get ideas, and these "other movies" are all ones we find out (in the end) he's already made. He's done it all! Or has he???
#37 - Rock n Roll Nightmare (1987)
Back of the VHS description: Demons dwell it what seems like an "ordinary" household where a horrific, spine-tingling suspense story unfolds. A rock group looking for the perfect place to practice are haunted by a gouging mass murderer returning from the dim and distant past. One by one, the young rockers are sexually assaulted and brutally killed until only one person remains, the final conflict...good against evil. "When you raise hell, the devil must be paid - in full!"
Ways to stretch out your movie to almost 90 minutes:
1) show off your Steadicam
2) include many MANY driving sequences inside and outside the car
3) Do #2, but add some scenery shots
4) If you have a crane, by god, use it, whether there are people in the shot or not
5) If you show a car pulling to a stop, hell, use 2 different shots to show it twice
6) Feel free to linger on a shot
"Stiggie baby, why couldn't you've become a coke dealer or something sensible?"
ROCK! TALK ABOUT ROCK! WE LIVE TO ROCK! Somewhere, Joe Stixx is watching this film and thinking "man, if our band played those gigs in Winnipeg, we'd have made this movie."
Now that the rocking is out of the way, let's talk about the frights in this film, including the ghouls straight out of Pee Wee's Playhouse:
Can I also say, I simply can't get enough of Candian accents when they're trying not to sound Canadian!
"You've overstepped your line, Bub."
Put it this way: looking at the VHS box, and the first 15 minutes, I didn't think it was going in THAT direction. I thought the cover was attempting a "heavy metal" album cover. I was wrong. They were honest in their intentions all along.
WEEE ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE! AND FIGHT! AND NEVER LOOOOOSE!
Bonus for the last shot(s) making no fucking sense at all.
#36 - Iced (1988)
Back of the VHS description: It's a ski vacation they won't forget - those who survive, that is! In a snowbound, isolated ski resort high in the slopes, seven friends become the victims of a cold blooded maniac who turns their dream vacation into hell on ice. Staring the beautiful LISA LORING who played little Wednesday Addams in the cult TV series THE ADDAMS FAMILY. ICED adds a "terroricing" new twist to the meaning of ICE SCREAM!
(Sad coincidence - I'm viewing this film the same week Ms. Loring passed away at 64)
Because this is a horror movie (or supposed to be) this can't be called "Ski Weekend '88" because oh my does this take you back to a time and place. Yes, this is 1988. The music, the styles, the hair, a close up of someone saying "Rad!", very upbeat music, it's all here.
Then there's a shot that says "four years later" because that was 1984? Or this is 1992, both of which look exactly the same? The other problem is that, in setting up this device, the film then feels the need to add even more layers of backstory: why the killer is still around, what they think of him, even some all-too-specific comments on time share salesmanship.
Sadly, the film is a bore. A toast to Ms. Loring, who looked lovely in the film, with this out of context quote:
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! ALL OF YA! Now Jeanette, go over there and get the god-damned phone, call Eddie, and find out if he's the one who's bustin' our balls. NOW!"
Like they say in Iced, those time share salesmen! And I agree: they're almost the worst. The actual worst was when I dated a girl who was doing a knock-off of EST. She invited me to come to a ceremony where she had completed a round of "treatment" and she wanted to honor me as a positive part of her life. It was in a hotel ballroom and well set up, and very nice. Everyone was friendly, I was briefly feted in a forthright way, and I thought that was that. Suddenly, us non-members were led to another ballroom. In this other room, the sale tactics were high. I was polite at first. Then, after the speaker broke and the rest swarmed around us, I got hostile. One man accosted me. "Trip, what's something you want to change about yourself?" To be honest (then and looking back), I was in a good place at the time - there wasn't much at all. They needled me. So, I said "Well, I'll tell you a problem about me that I've been trying to solve for years; one that I haven't told anyone." The leaches looked at me, serious. "I can't tan. I want a tan, and I...I just can't. I've tried everything. All I do is sweat. I don't even burn." This led to a minor uproar, but right before the uproar, an old lady laughed heartily. She and I, thankfully, were escorted out. There, in the lobby, we talked like war buddies. "My friend, she's always on me to do this. I haven't seen ANY change in her at ALL." I nodded. "Well, you would know" I said. "It just all feels like a sale to me. It's human transaction in the name of self-help." She nodded and added "You're right" in a soft tone.
The girlfriend came out and saw my displeasure. I shared the tale. She apologized profusely, but it was too late. The relationship was never the same - it ended a month later. Folks, that time in the ballroom was scary. The salespeople were trash. Iced is on to something here, in a VERY roundabout way, of what could have been a nuttier sub plot (and maybe a better movie). Problem is, you'd have to cut 30-40 minutes of people talking in a condo to see it.
