As I set up last month, there's only 1 way to find out how one would feel about the Trash Horror films of the 1980's, other than the fact that there are a LOT of them, and as I also found out, you could maybe thin this list by a LOT as well.
#50 - Violent Shit (1989)
Back of the VHS description: Experience a lesson in real bad taste. (The rest in German)
There's an old projectionist's saying, apathetic as it may be: "Well, it's exactly what it says on the can." In the scope of all movies, I guess it's violent. It, too, is shit. The opening features a child playing in the park with the titles "Starring K. The Butcher Shitter." Now, I have to be honest: I was wondering if this would be no different than those high school films Mike made, at least in spirit, with the difference that somehow this was distributed. It's hard not to draw parallels in many aspects - the killing of the mother early in the film to the, well, "reproductive system GONE" scene in "Larry LaRue's Much Ado About Systems." What the actors lack in skill and pretty much interest, they do have the German going, which makes everything sound angry. But again, I kept going back to Larry LaRue's rough day and all it showed was that editing, even on a VHS, is everything. If you're a beat too late, well...
I could go on and on, but I fear I'm already using up too much emotion, interest, and time on this one.
#49 - The Video Dead (1987)
Back of the VHS description: You're all alone, and an old horror film is showing on late night T.V. - a group of zombies is prowling through a misty wood. Suddenly, one of the zombies turns towards you and starts beating on the T.V. screen. As the set explodes outwards and a rotting hand reaches for your throat, you realise (sic) it's too late to hit the "pause" button...You're a victim of THE VIDEO DEAD.
When Teenagers Jeff and Zoe find an old T.V. set in their new house, they're not to know that it's haunted; but when a horde of flesh-eating monsters escape through the screen to prey upon a quiet suburb, it's up to them to end the bloodshed by forcing the zombies back into their transistorized crypt. If horror is what you're looking for, then THE VIDEO DEAD are waiting for you!
First off, is it me, or does the back of the box give nearly EVERYTHING away? Did the producers feel a need to give a hard sell to this one? I can't imagine why. Right off the bat, before even acknowledging the Carpenter-inspired opening, in the back recesses of my mind, I thought I'd seen this movie before...but I must have been confusing it with TerrorVision. Completely night and day from Violent Shit...a movie with style, flair, and humor in spades. There might be more fade-outs in the first 20 minutes than all films combined in 1985. Spending money smartly: keep so much of the film to a cul-de-sac, you can put the rest toward practical effects. A housewife is placed upside down into a washing machine. The Video Dead goes to show how much fun a horror movie can be if those making it just commit 1000% to the idea, however nutty it might be, and actually try to make a good movie.
Line Readings of the Year Award goes to this scene toward the beginning:
Jeff: So, what about you? What are you up to?
Zoe, a "teen": Well, I start my first semester at the universitythefirstofnextmonth.
Jeff: You got in. Great. (Read just as its written) What's your major?
Zoe: Aerobics.
Jeff: (spits out a spoonful of canned chili) Aerobics?!
Zoe: Yeah! You know, aerobics?!
Jeff: You can't major in aerobics!
Zoe: WELL, it may not be higher education, but it's still a degree, Jeff. And I'm taking it very seriously.
Jeff: I'm almost afraid to ask what your minor is.
Zoe: Music videos.
Jeff: Seriously?!
Zoe: Yeah, seriously.
(Cut to shots of both of them shaking their heads, and yet another fade out.)
Don't miss this one!
#48 - The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)
Back of the VHS description: A beautiful young girl is brutally gang-raped by construction workers at a building site in a small Texas town. Suddenly, mutilated bodies begin turning up. Nailed up. Nailed to trees. Nailed to the pavement. Nailed to each other! The Nail Gun Maniac is deadly and no one knows who he'll hammer down next. It's a piercing, no-holes barred trip into industrial-strength horror!
Clever wordplay on the back of the box. But for an uncomfortable plotline that's been done before (and perhaps not just once) it seems to get in the way of the main crux of the film: shooting nails into people. It's not the worst-looking film (I bet they had no idea just how 80s it would look in throw-away shots) and the killer does seem imbibed with Schwarzenegger's ability to deliver one-liners intended (or otherwise) to laugh. Each of those, however, have to cover up with the awful acting. It's that point where bad acting makes the film worse, not better. I will admit I got a chuckle out of seeing a random dad nailed and then falling over a lit BBQ (then pushing it backwards, while "dead," so he doesn't fall over) and his daughter coming out to swim by saying "Dad, are the steaks burning?"
#47 - Nightbeast (1982)
Back of the VHS description: Few people witness the arrival of an alien craft in the dead of the night. The presence of the hostile extra-terrestrial is soon felt by a small American town where mutilated bodies are found. It soon becomes apparent that the creature hungers for flesh and blood and begins to wreak death and destruction to all that stands in its path.
A savage and horrific monster movie right through to the bloody end!
Note: This seems to have been released in theaters or drive-ins in the fall of 1982, a minor yet important point that we'll likely fall into now and again on this list.
Pre-dating Predator by a handful of years, where do I start with this one? I mean, right at the beginning, it's laser sounds with "Amazing Film Productions Presents." A no-star cast with one actor receiving an "And..." call-out. (Something done on Morris & the Rookie for the same reason) The first line is actually "What the hell was that?" The second is "Holy Shit." An excellent synth soundtrack (by J.J. Abrams, no less! Some moments clearly stuck in the Duffer Brothers' minds) merged with perfect stock library music of the time period. When a woman has to quickly pack, she does so in the nude so that she has ALL her clothing in front of her. For what the film is, there are some impressively cinematic shots, showing some attempt and skill.
At roughly 80 minutes, you'd think it would not waste time (even in chase scenes, with plenty of dry ice and smoke machines). You'd be wrong. Shootouts seemingly last forever. And sure, nearly every line reading is said without conviction, and maybe Nightbeast doesn't attack the same way as the Predator. And maybe the sex scene looks like parents...someone's parents...your parents, getting it on.
By the way, am I the only one noticing the similarity between the Sheriff and the first producer of Late Night, Barry Sand?
In the end, it's good is good, it's bad is awful...middle of the road for me. But we're not even 5 films in and I've already felt I've seen the worst. At least I hope so.
#46 - The Dead Next Door (1989)
Back of the VHS description: THE DEAD NEXT DOOR is a zombie lover's dream come true! An inventive scientist has created the ultimate virus: it takes over and replaces a corpse's cells, using it as a slave to keep supplying its favorite dish: humans! When the virus goes awry, the government fights back by creating a crack team of soldiers called The Zombie Squad. Their mission: save the humans, and seek out and destroy the dead! From the streets of Washington, D.C. to the fields of Virginia and on to the suburbs of Akron, Ohio, (editor's note: WTF?) our heroes fight a nonstop struggle for life and death, along the way, stumbling onto an insane religious cult bent on keeping the dead alive and well until the (box ripped) comes for their ultimate mission...to (box ripped)"
This one came out on video in November of 1989, juuuuust under the wire. It's also a very funny, creative spin on zombie movies. Shit, whatever sins this movie commits (zombies that run?!), look at it this way: a zombie rents VHS tapes, naturally frightening the customers and owners, with a father holding a child running out. It's touches like that show, almost immediately, that you'll have to pay attention to this one to find the hidden gems (and not just obvious, but welcome laughs like a car casually hitting a zombie)
- A zombie eating a tire with blood on it
- "Somewhere in Virginia"
- "You up for a visit to Dr. Molsen's torture chamber?"
- "Well, Dr. Savini!"
- "Nothing will happen. I stake my hat and my life on it."
