Setting Son

Leading up to the visit, the suggestion from my sister was that I had to really clean out my old room.  Do so as if "that's the last time you'll be in there."  I confirmed my understanding of the task, while also wondering if, in a way, she was sensing the future.  Maybe not all of it, maybe not everyone, but maybe just my own?

I knew on this trip that my time would not be free.  I knew that plans were being made with me, for me, without my knowledge.  As optimistic as I am, I also knew the likelihood of seeing anyone I'd want to see simply wouldn't happen.  So, there I am, stuck at my Ma's home, being prodded to do something else.  Whatever the hell I was doing, I needed to be doing something else. 

We arrive: the weather was a hazy early 80s in lovely Dealville, near 100 in Salt Lake City (our layover) but cloudy and (I was told) 63 when we landed.  In the afternoon.  Hello Summer!  A cruel joke from the weather gods.  Hahaha - you thought you could find a time that it was safe to visit!  We'll show you!  Thankfully that weather hold was brief, but it cast a pall over the whole trip.

I was sitting at my desk: an old metal "teacher's desk" handed down by one of my grandfathers.  I'm going through each drawer, each of which holds completely random items.  Most items were put here by me, truly odds and sods from decades ago.  What happens when I find these things?  Maybe 5% are a genuine pleasant surprise, and it's coming back to Dealville.  The other 95% are either reviewed, thought of, then recycled.  As I'm doing so, I'm starting to find more and more things that are clearly NOT my own.  "Trip might like this" someone thought, so coin sets from, say, 1974, are there.  I ask aloud who those are...my Ma says they are mine...I decline, stating I've never seen it before.  A stand-off, unknowingly, has begun.

As I go through the desk, my Ma is at the other end of the room.  "What about this stuff in the closet?"  I don't know, Ma.  "How about this tie?"  Ma, I've been in town 3 hours.  I'm currently going through this desk.  "Well..."  Of course, the Big Scoop can play on her tablet, but the women formerly known as Smiley is bored.  "What are we going to do tonight?"  Because she's a child and we have to plan everything for you?  So, after the 3rd time she brings it up, I stop and decide to shoot pool with her in the basement rumpus room.  I'm not 10 minutes into playing that my Ma appears again, looking at a well-worn entertainment center.  "What about these tapes?"

We had 2 days planned, or optioned, for swimming at the community pool.  Both times everyone had to leave due to lightning.  The last 3 times we visited my Ma, that's happened to us.  Someone, somewhere, is trying to tell me something.  Is it the truth?  By the brief end of yet another swim attempt, I've thrown out 3 bags full of trash, and 3 other bags to be recycled.  Still, more work needs to be done.  One of the easiest things I did was throwing out old yearbooks.  "You're so funny!  We should hang out this summer - call me!"  Bitch, you never returned my calls, get out of here.  I saved my last yearbook from Bloomington, before the move.  People in there wrote like I was terminal, and they were saying goodbye.  

The absolute highlight was, ironically, a bullet dodged as well.  One request was to go fishing, and while that is fun, I had no idea where to even begin.  Instead, we ended up with rented poles and walked along a slimy urban creek.  The mission, however, was accomplished: on her first cast, the Big Scoop reeled in a sunfish.  She also caught catfish.  She ended her morning/afternoon with 10 catches, endless delight, and many pictures of a happy girl.  Something worked out!

We were planned to attend two "fancy" dinners while I was in town.  Both were restaurants in malls.  I am no stranger to that at all: frequently the hidden gems of a town are restaurants in a strip mall.  They are also, usually, not this overpriced.  We all remember where we are - polo shirts tucked into the guts, everyone with short haircuts, restaurants advertising something called Michelob Golden Draft Light - as much as one tries to blend in while travelling, we did notice we stuck out wherever we went.  Eh, so it goes.

The cleaning continues.  A folder with all newspaper clippings of David Letterman moving to CBS.  A folder of 1991 contents from the fan club of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Pleasent surprises.  More and more random shit to toss.  I take a break and am told to have another Leine's - Ma bought a 24 pack for my visit.  24!  I'm in town 4 days.  I am not up to the challenge.  I have one while reading through, then recycling, old Mad Magazines and Mad books.  "What are you doing?" I'm asked by that very mother.  What a coincidence - I'm reading Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.  "I'm using the paper face shield to keep me way from annoyances."

The last day was a perfect summary.  Meetings were planned, then cancelled, then people in said meetings didn't know this, and asked if we were "OK".  I had wanted to go back to the old neighborhood, and many times in the past, I could do so alone.  I'd go at my own pace, where I want to loiter, etc.  I'd done it before without issue, but this time that was shot down.  So, we ALL drove over there, and the seams immediately began to show.  Ahead of the visit, I scouted a few restaurants, and we tried one.  We enjoyed it.  I was vibing with the staff, which upset some, but brought hearty portions to us all.  The drive around the old neighborhood, however, was a symbol:

Ma: Where should we go?

Me: Let's stay on 102nd and then make a right after the school--

(Ma turns down a different street)

Me: OK...

Artist formerly known as Smiley: Wait, this isn't where you wanted to go.

Big Scoop: Where are we?

Ma: (pointing) Was there always a stoplight there?

Me: Yes, even when I was a kid.

Ma: No.  Are you sure?

What positive memories I have of this area are in this town, yet here we are being herded: I'm not going where I want to go, 2 others not caring, and the one doing the herding lost in her own lane.

We were there 4 days, and yet it still felt like 1 day too long.  As it usually goes when trying to make it back home, we had to run through the airport to make our connection - this was a close as I'd ever been to not make it.  But make it we did, and when we walked down the ramp and put our feet on the ground, I lifted my arms in the air, as though it was a victory.  We survived.  We did it and we returned.  Haven't been this happy to be home in years.  All because I was there for 4 days.  

At dinner the following day, I tried to figure out why I felt this way.  I talked it out, but I didn't expect either of those 2 to completely understand.  When we were there, I'd have to look through something which would bring back a flood of memories, most of which I hadn't thought about in decades...which brought back crummy memories...which I'd try to balance out with good...but it was never enough.  I'd then have to cover my strained face with something more placid as I'm asked to do something else.

I already know that whatever is positive of "back then" is completely in my mind: cherry-picked random moments from long ago.  And yet, now removed a little from this visit, I'm not sure when the next visit will be - it might be another 5-6 years, I don't know.  Dillon was understanding enough to know I had no freedom in this visit but asked how it went all the same.  I passed along a few nutty finds, but just as much all of the strain.  I then posited this idea: I wonder how a visit there would be without "all this" with it.  I know I could never pull that off.  At least, not anytime soon.  I still wonder all the same.  It might be different, but not any better.  Maybe it'll just have to be those random memories, triggered by a song, a video, or now, this stack of papers.  I'm not trying to run away from my past, but I pushed aside so much of it (completely necessary as an action) that returning to see if what was positive wasn't worth it.  

For me, there's no future there, so can I ever be expected to place it in my own future here?        

Trash Horror Films of the 80s: New Favorites

Though it took me way longer than I'd anticipated, going through the quest of (what 2 writers claimed was) the top 50 trash horror films was a lot of fun.  Even after I'd finish a bad or mediocre title, hell, at least it was new to me.  When I found something good enough, I was pleased.  When I pleasantly surprised or even wowed, that was the best.  That made it all worth it.  Below were the films I'd never seen and, looking back, suggest you do so to if you haven't already (as I had with the gems The Children and Sleepaway Camp)

The Video Dead

Everything you'd want from a VHS rental from that time and beyond.  A unique concept, smartly shot, and with more than enough planned and (a little) unplanned hilarity make this more than worth seeking out.  So much of the movies are "of their time" and thank goodness for that, especially with some dialogue that could only come out of the 80's.  This one is a lot of fun!

Seeing this so early in the quest made me think I'd find many more like this one...I thought wrong.

The Dead Next Door

Nearly all the titles on this list were filmed in random towns across the globe.  If it was in any major city, it tended to be NYC, which helped (with it being the 80s) but didn't really stand out.  In the Dead Next Door, this works not only for the brief shots of Washington DC, but then that part of this zombie virus attack ends up in the "suburbs" of Akron, Ohio.  Why Akron?  Well, why not, but also...that's where everyone is, so the zombie attack is around Akron.  Instead of trying to cover it up, they lean into it.  All of that aside, the makeup and effects show real care, and instead of trying to stretch the running time, they get everything they want in there and get out in a little over an hour.  

Don't you want to see a zombie rent VHS tapes?!

The Oracle  

I could go either way on this one with the good (1980's NYC sleaze) and bad (the "acting"...oh lord) but what can I say?  I was impressed by "death by garbage chute" and, honestly, surprised it hasn't been done more often.  Not tops for me, but good enough.

The Boogey Man

After watching this, I wondered aloud (to no one) and wrote (to tens of readers) why this was on the list at all.  I wouldn't say it's trash: visually, this is made so much better than other titles on the list.  Yes, it has the swanky synth, but it just looks better...plus, it left me thinking about the plot long after I finished the movie.  Not about the movie itself, of course, just the plot.  Not the top of the list or anything, but worth checking out one of these days.

Slugs

If you were to make a movie that was called "Slugs The Movie" you would want to ensure all the boxes are checked:  You'd want to show these creatures across all socioeconomic categories.  You'd need to do some puppetry to show 'em chowing down.  You'd need a little T&A and then the usual "sex never works out" lesson learned in horror movies.  You're going to need the scientist as well.  OK great!  You checked off all the boxes.  The rest doesn't matter.  You'll admire AND laugh at this movie.  

Class of Nuke 'em High

There's nothing wrong with a little "insanity for insanity's sake" in your movie-going.  You expect insanity from Tromaville Studios, and Class of Nuke 'em High won't let you down.  This is a trash horror film in every sense of the word, and it's almost as if the list was made around this title.  It was perfectly in the middle, but for a lot of reasons it could have rated higher.  If you write a line of dialogue like "I don't give a wet fart what you think" and then know it's going to be delivered convincingly, you're more than ready to be called "trash."  When you're ready, the Class of Nuke 'em High is ready for you.

Basket Case

This movie really saved the day for me, and I say that in all sincerity.  I was feeling worn down by "eh" horror movies of this quest.  I began to wonder if I'd seen all the "good ones" on the list and let this quest wither and die as so many of my, well, former contemporaries do with such statements.  Then I saw Basket Case.  You, dear reader, are the one who can experience this joy as well.  What a fun one this is: great practical effects, early 80s "no set dressing needed" NYC, a plot that, every time when you think it's running out of steam, gives you ANOTHER great scene.  Hell, just this very morning, I shared some screen captures of this film with The Big Scoop herself.  She laughed.  Considering some of the shit she watches, maybe it's time.  Why this movie wasn't a bigger success, who knows?    

Titles like those above made this quest worth it.  It reaffirmed my faith that there is gold still out there unbeknownst to me.  Sure, I'll get around to finishing my catch-up of horror releases from the past year or so, but like finding a lost pair of shades, these movies brought relief and a smile when it was needed the most.

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 80's: #5-#1

The quest has been achieved!  For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15-#11

#10-#6

#5 - Pieces (1982 in Europe...1983 here)

Back of the VHS box: Thirty-five years after the violent death of a young boy's mother, mutilated corpses are discovered on a university campus, each body forming part of a macabre jigsaw puzzle that the police have to piece together.

Hey - they used one of my favorite words: macabre.

1983 radio spot transcript

(music box music plays)

Narrator: Which room is Debbie in?  The bedroom?  Could she be in the closet?  Or the kitchen?  Maybe she's in the basement?  That's right.  She's in all of them.  Pieces.  (chainsaw sound effect, woman screaming "NO!") You don't have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre.  It's exactly what you think it is.  Pieces.  Absolutely no one under 17 admitted.

Immediately hilarious, with some of the worst dubbing I've ever seen.  Did you know the New England Patriots were a pro football team in 1942?  According to Pieces, that's a fact.

After our synth opening, we're on to groovin' rock, 40 years later, at a New England college.  

Having gone to a college in New England, I think I can share some insight and confirm that yes, people do skateboard out of control throughout campus.  Sometimes into a giant mirror, of course, but that's not the point.

Later, we're at a Pacific coast coll---er, still at the same campus, and, well, heads up!

As the plot continues to move into what appears to be a straight-forward murder mystery, we're then interrupted with an aerobics break?!  

Christopher George and Linda Day were on quite a horror clip.  On the very day I watched Pieces, I had earlier watched an NBC News report from 1983 (oh, really?  That's unique for you, Trip) and sure enough was an ad for Mortuary)  George died of a heart attack just a couple of months after these movies came out - what a way to go.  

Whatever might be slow is brought back to life by the ending that you're hoping for, however brief it might be.  "BOSTON HEALTH HOSPITALS" read the ambulance.  Well, Pieces is a well-shot movie with curious editing.  One that plays fast and loose with sound effects and score. I enjoy this a bit less than the usual viewing public, it appears, but there are enough quotes to at least give it a view...maybe I have to be in a different frame of mind to love it as others do, I'm not sure.  As with so many other foreign films of the era, it almost seems like they were filming 2 movies at once and cut and pasted different elements in as needed.  But that ending...just wanted to make sure you left the theater on a laugh!  

#4 - Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)

Back of the VHS box: none found

I wasn't 1 minute into this and all I could think of is "if Wesley Willis made a horror movie, this is it."

I'm at a loss.

"We waited a whole fuckin' hour fa ya."

#3 - Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Poster tagline: "... you won't be coming home!"

Look, all of us have seen this one.  It is a sensational film.  It doesn't belong anywhere NEAR Quadead Zone.  

What the hell is something like this or The Children doing on this list?  That's not trash, that's entertainment.  Damn it, now I'm pissed off.  Let Meg tell these Bloody Disgusting writers where they can go...

 

#2 - The Last Slumber Party (1988)

Back of the VHS: On their last day of high school, Linda, Tracy and Chris celebrate by having a slumber party at Linda's house.  A few boys drop by and the beer flows like wine.  Just good, clean, fun-loving kids.

But the gals have another visitor, one they don't yet know about.  Hiding in the house is a homicidal maniac who has just escaped from a mental hospital.  Armed with a scalpel, the nut slashes a little here, a little there as he sneaks from room to room.

One by one the guests start disappearing.  What evil lurks there?  What nightmare world have they entered?  The plot of twisted inside out leaving you stunned and clinging to your chair as you witness shock after horrifying shock.  The ending will leave you breathless.  And now, the blood flows like wine.

Early on, we have a brief shot of a Volkswagen Thing, which was wisely used and appreciated.

This has some of the worst-mixed sound in a movie I've ever heard/seen...it's right up there with the episode of Barry back in 1996.  That was, somewhat, on purpose...this...well, do you think this was on purpose?

There IS some good bullshitting by the teen guys, a nice touch of an LSU jersey... 

"I was getting tired of booze anyway.  Let's get high!"

"This is sick!  This is not fucking funny.  I'm not taking any more of this shit."

Special thanks to the Sesame Street poster prominently displayed in this scene.

A movie that barely makes it past an hour, plenty o synth, time capsule posters, wallpaper, people getting killed who act like they're getting a massage...is it real?  A bad dream?  This one is true video trash.

#1 - A Night to Dismember (1983)

Back of the VHS: When their lunatic sister Vicki Kent is let out of a mental hospital five years after supposedly stabbing two neighborhood boys to death, her vindictive brother Adam, and sister Mary will do anything to get her sent back to the asylum.  An intense investigation builds when people in the town start waking up with their heads detached from their bodies!  Dismemberment was the Kent family curse - watch them go Berzerk!

Viewers will be trembling as the senseless slaughter frows into a disgusting body count.  Who will get wiped off the map next?  NIGHT TO DISMEMBER - it will be a night you never forget.  Warning!  You will be graphically assaulted by decapitated heads, beating ripped-out hears and many grisly hatchet murders.

(With a warning like that, well, bring it on!)

My viewing of this movie, and discoveries afterwards, is a perfect summation of these 50 movies.  What I saw was a strange mishmash of an initial shoot and later shoot with different looks and tones.  Narration with swiftly delivered lines like "Susan had accidentally fallen on an axe; she was dead."  The editing got more and more confusing.  And so on...  If anything, I thought this film had all the hallmarks of many within this list: a clear edit job without the original shoot's intent, dubbing gone wrong, and a re-release to get some quick cash.  But why was this #1 on the list?

I am not alone in my confusion on "versions" it seems - 6 years later, another cut of the film comes out on video with Samantha Fox now as the lead with time-padded insert scenes to the film.  Some producers claim the film was found "unfinished" and some (but not all) footage was lost in a fire.  However, the cinematographer has an original cut from the initial filming that was, so I viewed, truly finished and released in Europe.  No documentation of said screenings in Europe can be found, but...

What version I saw now confuses me - I almost think I saw someone else's edit?  I honestly don't know.  I struggled to care, and pretty much gave up after a while.  However, if the whole idea of trash horror had to be summed up in one title, with everything: sound, editing, different "cuts" of the film, curious release patterns, confusing acting, and on we go...shit, this is it.  This has it all.  Low budget, edit and re-release on VHS, disagreements abound on what's the real cut, I mean...fuck.  That's the Horror section of so many mom & pop video stores.  That's the (for better or worse) entrepreneurial spirit of the horror genre.  That's the EXACT thing Mike and I used to find 20+ years ago.  

This quest took me nearly 3 years...mostly done in my spare time, here n' there.  I didn't expect that it would take this long, but then again, I didn't expect all that I found.  This was one hell of an overdue trip!  Next, I'll detail my favorite finds on this journey.  Thanks for watching with me...speaking of, when do we have to return the tapes?

The authorities said "best leave it unsolved"

The tournament is finally here!  Your wife has the day shift today, the kids are at Spring Break day camp, and you didn't tell anyone you took the day off!  What are your plans for the day?

A) Light home improvement projects around the house in-between games

B) Doing the household laundry you're allowed to touch

C) 

"Safety is my top priority"

Watching the Conference USA men's basketball tournament, you can see that

A) There are good sections still available

B) There are good decks still available

C) They should just play this tournament at a park

Add 2 Tbsp butter for richer flavor

You haven't watched a college basketball game all season, but that won't stop you come March!  Well, maybe it will - you meant to watch the Alabama / Auburn game on Saturday, but you didn't get to it.  Why not?

A) "Brunch" at the Biscuit Bucket went longer than expected

B) You were napping (again)

C) The kids had the TV on a Plex folder called "The Best of ALF Season 4"

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #10-6

As we wind this down, I do want to share a bit of levity as we finally get a break: The Big Scoop and her friends are (so they say) making a "movie."  I asked of its plot, and was told "it's about an evil cult that murders people."  Well, well.  Considering her age, she's way past where I was at that time...

For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15-#11

#10 - Hallucinations (1986)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

Oh that VHS audio feed...even on just black, you can hear it loud and clear.  You could even say this video, being from the 80s, has computer graphics...inasmuch that's a computer screen showing the titles.

I don't know if this was made in the Midwest, but it has quite a few touchstones: snow on the lens, trouble with the snowplow, mouth-breathing, foam snow boots, Afghan blankets on the chairs and couches, and fake vomit.  It also has the classic VHS lens flair from lamps, silhouette portraits, rotary phones, uneven audio, and ketchup-as-blood.

It's good, I suppose, knowing there are like-minded people to your interests, but I also felt like I was watching outtakes of one of our homemade videos from the 90s.  If you made your own at any point, there's nothing here you haven't done yourself.  If not, up to you if you want to see what people did with their time back then...

#9 - The Long Island Cannibal Massacre (1980)

Back of the VHS box: None found or (possibly) made

The is the lone title so far that has sadly eluded me in a way that is fiscally responsible.  Do I want to spend $20 on a DVD?  Perhaps, after I've seen it.  I'll update this page once this is viewed.

#8 - Burial Ground (1981)

Back of the VHS box: The Earth Shall Tremble, graves shall open.  They shall come among the living as messengers of death.  And there shall be the nights of terror...an excursion into the twilight world of the undead.  A chilling, brutal slice of horror.  There's no escape from The Nights of Terror (the alternate title - ed.) And only the living will scream.

Mama Mia!  Horror Italiano!  Who says you can't use a Take Five rip-off during opening credits?

"Didn't you like my little show?"

"You look just like a little whore.  But I like that."

"You're turning into a great little model."

"Well, then I deserve a raise in pay."

"You're getting a raise from me, all right, but it has nothing to do with money!"

The old "innards grab bag"

Apparently, only in Italy do they

1) have mothers who, when walked in on by their son, grab their clothing but don't put it on

2) use a museum's storage room as a gun range

3) have zombies with living skin on their hands and, on occasion, their head

4) question zombies as you would someone coming up to you randomly on the street

5) attempt to kill zombies with a pitchfork by hitting them over the head, or using it to "joust"

...and repeat.  Stretched out to last as long as it does, even containing a few "wait, that shot should have been 5 seconds later" moments, there was one thing that impressed me.  I know I/we discuss gore effects often in these reviews, but they did an amazing shot in the first 1/3rd of the movie of a zombie coming out of the ground that was sensational.  I don't recommend this one, but don't want to give away that bit, either.

#7 - Things (1989)

Back of the VHS box: I only found the front...but the re-release DVDs doesn't make me optimistic.

What do you get when you put Super 8, all Casio instruments, Introduction to Film I and II, VHS player editing, moments where you're sure the "filmmakers" had no idea what they were doing but did it anyway just to get it done, driving shots that made it look like Morris & the Rookie had an actual car mount, dialogue repeated because no one remembered it was already said, cue cards, non-sensical gore, and dubbing worse than any film that's NOT in English?  What I just listed is a lot of things; now you don't need to see Things.

#6 - Basket Case (1982)

Back of the VHS box: In the quaint town of Glens Falls, a very nervous Dr. Lifflander is suddenly attached by...well...something.  Something very small, misshapen, and very mad.  Something with a swollen, claw-like hand which rips the good doctor's face off.

BASKET CASE is about a young man who was born with a Siamese twin attached to his side.  At an early age, the monstrous twin was surgically removed, but lived to deeply resent his cut-off day.  His normal looking brother goes to New York, carrying a large basket wherever he goes.  In the basket is the hideous twin.  Neither brother can rest until they avenge their surgical separation by killing the doctors responsible.

A critically acclaimed horror classic, Rex Reed says, "BASKET CASE is the sickest movie I've ever seen."  The San Francisco Chronicle calls it "A rare picnic for horror fans."  It is a rare find in the tradition of ERASERHEAD and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, you'll want to see it over and over again.

Well, this was a very pleasant surprise.  Considering the plot, it is, at times, a slow-paced movie, but don't take that the wrong way - there are no wasted shots.  The set dressing, thankfully, is provided by New York City in 1981.  (What do you want bet that, after filming scenes with "blood" splattered everywhere, that they just left it there and no one then or in the future batted an eye?)  Plus, even if it's a throwaway character - The Bag Lady!

You just don't see The Bag Lady around anymore.  I remember on old Late Night episodes, Dave would mention them now and again and, upon arriving in Boston for school, they were always, slowly, on the streets.  Perhaps a product of time and place.

(pouring wine)

Man: Listen, if I have any more, I'm liable...liable to-

Dr. Cutter: That's all right, I like you drunk.  You're cute when you slobber.

(Phone rings)

Dr: Cutter: SHIT.

As with many films on this list, it's a no-star cast, but that doesn't matter if they give it their all and are eager to please.  Trust me, this film is ridiculous in all the right parts.

Practical effects!  Besides, when do you ever see the creature go insane?!  Not against a person, but against its own lot in life?  There's even stop motion!  This movie has it all.  By the way - how many times, in a low moment, have you found yourself sitting in a similar position, hashing out recent life choices?

The 3rd act flashbacks slow the film down, but they aren't bad.  Besides, we all get back to it in time.  

Hang in there, baby!  This film shows what happens when you go for it and things just work out.  Strong recommendation.  Seeing this film renewed my faith in hitting the finish line!

It's coming for us all

After turning on to Palisades Drive from Sunset, once you pass one of the swankier mini-malls you'll ever see, your vision almost turned into a jungle.  The twisting & turning of the road was only matched by the greenery that surrounded you.  The first time I took this drive with the woman formally known as Smiley she said, "I call this drive Jurassic Park", and it was obvious to see why.  (It's a phrase she continues to use for years and years, forgetting that I'd already heard this roughly 25-30 times) Suddenly in your view were townhomes on your right, and, it seemed, even more as you drove north.

At one of the events at their home, I asked her uncle how he ended up there.  In the early 80's, he had a home in Cheviot Hills and, maybe it was in a divorce or something, I didn't pry, but he met a contractor who was putting 'em up in this discovered pocket of Pacific Palisades land.  "He said 'I have 1 left - you want to take a look?'"  He smiled.  He liked the weather and amenities.  I asked him if it ever bothered him - the one way in & out vibe of the neighborhood.  He smiled again and shrugged his shoulders.

Years later, one time I was helping him get out a table in the storage room.  I'd never been in there, but there was a lot of "stuff" in there.  When I commented as such, he chuckled and said, "One day, it'll all be yours."  Whatever that is in there: memories, items needed, items not needed, or burdens.  

He passed away last Fall - her aunt said, "He told me 'I'm going to die in this house.'"  If he only knew.

Another way to go there was to get off at Sunset and wind your way there - it was usually faster than going along the PCH, but that didn't make it any easier.  It certainly didn't seem fast, or faster, or particularly easy to drive.  After passing Riviera, the streets and topography change almost each minute.  A high school with unbelievable views.  Streets sneak up to Sunset, and then sneak away, hidden to privacy.  There was a "downtown" strip along Sunset with all needed stores, including a fire station.    

Since his passing, in these new unknown days, her aunt met a family new to her complex that has a daughter near the age of The Big Scoop.  One such meeting worked well, so we agreed to start the new year with a meet-up and dinner.  We decided to meet at a park off Sunset and walk a new trail - the plan for this trail was, in the new year, to build a walking bridge over to Will Rogers State Beach.

As we wandered back to the park, we passed many cliffside homes facing south with views of the ocean, the Santa Monica Pier, and the rest of the coast.  We "claimed" many of them for our own.  It was a fun night for all with unplanned hilarity.  We said we'd try to do it again soon, maybe before the Super Bowl.

Luckily, the kids were in school.  Luckily, the parents were at work.  Luckily, the aunt had errands to run in Santa Monica.  On a day like I just wrote of above, one maybe 2 weeks ago now, everyone was home.   Luckily, not that day.

After school that day, our attempts to get in touch with everyone mildly successful, another fire begins in Altadena, this one spreading east and west.  West is what we're worried about.  The following day, a fire starts in the Hollywood hills.  I begin to get a suitcase ready and while the female members of this household squawk, all needed docs are handy.  If this continues sloping north, we'll likely get the notice to leave.

So, if you're supposed to evacuate, or at least get ready: To where?  Which direction?  How far?  How long?  This isn't a hurricane, arriving on one side, going in one direction.  We also don't see these coming days in advance.  This isn't a tornado, with a siren saying "YOU - BASEMENT".  A co-worker of Smiley who lives with her family in north Pasadena just grabbed what they could and took off to Arizona.  It can't catch them.

The fire in Hollywood is thankfully put out less than 24 hours later.  Had it been first, it might've been worse.  School is cancelled the rest of the week, and I attempt to stay calm in front of the Scoop. Things remain "steady" inasmuch as there are no new major fires and those already going are slowly increasing containment.  All of the family has been in touch looking for info.  The co-workers (all in other parts of the country) lend support.  Some out of state friends have as well, too.  Then again, maybe not: from Bloomington, a financial planner asks me how the new year is treating me and if I'm interested in turning a 401k into a Roth IRA.  Another text, seemingly from Potsy, sends a link to the Santa Anita racetrack being closed.  Hey, thanks for checking in!

Nights don't lead to much sleep, at least not to me.  When the Eaton fire started, I think I slept 1 hour, riding the 3rd rail.  Night 2, with whatever was going with the Hollywood fire, the same, then a little more.  The mind starting to play tricks: do you smell that?  Is that smoke?  Are we OK?  Is that a siren?  Was that her voice?  My heart begins to pound.

Saved for the study of time are the weather forecasts from Sunday the 5th.  Wind speeds are mentioned.  "Possibilities" are mentioned.  The weathermen and women are going through the motions.  Glib might not be the right word, and they're not psychic, but it is an air of "keep an eye on this, you know" and that's it.  That's the forecast, back to you (forced laughs). 

The weekend was normal enough in that they showed NFL playoff games on Sunday while warning of more Santa Ana winds, labeled "typically bad" (not "a wildfire fucks a tornado") for Tuesday & Wednesday.  My next-door neighbor, a native of Burbank and longtime animation director, figures now would be a good time to get dinner on the grill.  In cover of darkness, my other neighbor and I begin freaking the fuck out because everywhere smells of smoke.  The offender's wife texts "oh, he's making dinner."  Our responses of the politest way possible to say "are you a fucking moron?" are not granted a response.

As I type this, at least near me, the crazy winds never showed up this week.  Oh sure, from time to time it smells like the innards of a chimney even though the skies are pretty clear and there's no wind at all.  High humidity the forecast for the weekend, thankfully, until next week, where humidity will seemingly disappear (without the wind, I guess?) and we start all over again.

One of the things we read is that these homes now lost were that family's retirement, that this real estate, on the rise except when it's not, would pay for that family's end times.  Now, they still have that land...but nowhere to go, and the expenses therein.  In an area growing in population and not much inventory, the problem is only worse.  But bring it back - the home will pay for all of that in the future.  Now maybe you live somewhere that is of some interest to others, so that your home, even if it could be a teardown, will hold such strong value it'll be the big score.  Maybe it's someone's 10th choice in town, but a house all the same.  Over time, the likelihood of inflation and time passing, you'll make something for those old days, right?       

You need to keep that in mind as the future goes, because it's coming.  It might be wildfires or an earthquake here, an Insane-o hurricane or tropical storm in the south and east, a spaceship of a tornado in the midwest.  

(Oh, it SNOWED?  What a problem!)

It's coming, and hopefully you can prepare.  Your future, whatever payday you think you'll receive because you added a deck, is completely up in the air.  That's what is making the ultimate decision.  Might not be affecting you now, but it'll be the effects that you'll get, and you might or might not notice it.  But it'll come, it's all you can do to get through it, and if there's any comfort, you'll know you're not alone.  You're not alone where you are, and you're not alone because someone, somewhere else is next up.

Dealmaking Today

I arrived on-time at this swanky eatery in Beverly Hills, but then again, one would expect that.  My old stomping grounds, but this was all scouted ahead of time.  I'm here to make deals.  

Look, I'm ready to discuss the security measures of biometric authentication in relation to my analytic needs.  I'm here to stress that the output must meet my need for utter consistency in reporting.  But that's cut and dry.  That's simply the facts and honestly, I wouldn't even want to sit anywhere, not just here, and listen to those details.  That isn't dealmaking.

My surroundings have led me to pass along the do's and dont's of this deal so that others (not necessarily you, dear reader) don't make the screw ups I witnessed others heartily do during that morning's event.  That the deal had to be so early in the day wasn't what I would have chosen at all, but it just means you have to deal further.  

First, as I did, arrive on time.  If you don't, you're already at a disadvantage.  You'll then have to begin with apologies and will likely pay for the meal.  If you weren't planning on doing that, well, don't show up late.  I'll be pleased with the breakfast treat you get as a result...surprised, frankly, because I wasn't expecting this.  A tasty apology accepted.

Knowing your history helps with small talk, be it recent or decades ago.  I don't always like the small talk, but I've found knowing the history helps draw out nutty anecdotes, and I'd much rather hear about a crazy sales trip in Virginia Beach in 2002 than I would overhear the next table over talk about...whatever they're talking about.  

We've all seen the harried assistant arriving with obnoxiously large breakfast orders.  Thankfully, I never had to do that, but I remember those days.  But try not to act like an asshole when you're in the throes of your life choices.  In the wise words of Tony Manero "everybody's dump-dumping on everybody."  The entire restaurant will be pleased when you leave.

Have something unexpected to throw out in conversation.  I wouldn't call this news, but during the duration of this deal, that I knew Northwestern played half its football games this season in a park off Lake Michigan, that the old brown swanky shades were Foster Grant's, the nickname of Stetson University, and the name of a long-gone cable channel were all in my favor.   

This is the dance, and it is done.  There's the right way, and then there's all the way.  Unfortunately, the majority of America decided it wanted to return to an "I got mine, you get yours" economy.  I'll have to keep making deals.  A fresh peach tart on me: we aim for the future.

No tricks, all treats, another ring

World Champions?!  I can't believe it!  World Champions!  You say "you had the best record in the league - what do you mean 'I can't believe it'" - I just...(shakes head)

(Whoa - 1 blog post the day after another, what is this, the 2000s?)

OK, well let's go back to the 2000s.  As you watched that decade end, and if you watched the Dodgers into the next decade, one with a team slowly getting better and then oh so close in the playoffs, and woeful managers, losing more 1-run games than you can remember, you'll just have to believe me: I NEVER and I repeat NEVER thought in my life I'd hear the phrase "the strength of the Dodgers is their bullpen."  The very phrase "thank Christ it's over" replaced the baseball phrase "save" for this very reason.  If you are winning by 5 runs in the 9th and win the game by 1, that should not be listed as a "save."  That is "thank Christ it's over" because of the clown car in the outfield that seemingly would get dizzy for 7 innings and then show up to serve balloons to the other team.

And I said woeful managers because we'd get so close to the World Series and then just...but then that hurdle was crossed.  And once we were cheated, yes, we all know that.  But the following year we returned, and we were playing a better team, but we had a chance to even things and said manager gave it all away.  But 2020 comes around, a weirdo baseball season, and a championship is won!  It might have been won because the other manager was worse but that's not our fault, is it?

Anyone who is a Dodger fan celebrated and remembered that 2020 championship.  Then there's the brainworm crowd, who labeled that "a Mickey Mouse championship" (don't know what that means, but OK) "didn't count" (like your last weigh-in, I'm sure), "fraud" (you're thinking of something else you got wrong in 2020) and on the list goes.  We swatted these comments away like one would a fly, and even when we went back to a "regular" season (one with "vaccinated sections") it was a good run, no complaints.  Besides, we just won it all last year.

2022 was a return to the ground with the same "curious" managing calls while San Diego (a team that's 80% mouth, 20% skill) won and wouldn't shut up about doing so.  The next year followed with a sensational diaper-filling against Arizona, grim faces abound.  "He doesn't know how to get the team ready for the playoffs" was the refrain.  It was smiles and dances in August as you beat Colorado in a meaningless game.  As seasons wear on, and the costs to watch the regular season games prohibitive, I looked from afar.  Again, working on dialing it back...why go all in, especially if the diaper will be filled so quickly?  We'll see, sure, but...

A-Roid said last night "can you believe some people wanted Dave Robers fired?"  Yeah, I can.  Do you watch Captain Hook?  "If we have that many pitchers on our roster, why not use 'em all?  I mean, every game, why not?" Dave thought.  That's one reason, Roid Freak.  Another would be just a few weeks ago we faced an elimination game and because nearly all starters were burned out or injured (Mark Prior, pitching coach, someone who should abso-fucking-lutely know about saving your arm from injury and not overdoing it and pacing yourself, I'm fucking looking at you) Dave said "well, ok, Bullpen Game."  What the hell?!

The Dodgers won that game 8-0.  Here's how the Bullpen Game went:

That's 8 pitchers in 9 innings, 7 hits, no runs, 8 strikeouts.  That went perfectly.  That's a word that is used often, maybe too much, but it was perfect.  Again, you've watched a team for years and years have a shit bullpen, no one you ever really felt you could count on, and...my god man.

The series clincher, a 2-0 grinder, got the shit monkey off of Dave's (and everyone else's) back.  Once that happened, well, bring it on.  The bullpen is winning games, at least 1 star player is showing up each game and Tommy Edman out of nowhere is Babe Ruth.  And then here it is - a World Series?  Against the Yankees?!  

It's clinched in the Bronx, like in '81.  When we had Nando.  The tale is written in history, and its future is so done.

San Fernando, we do this for you.  We look skyward as you used to when you pitched.  Coming together, fighting back, for you.  Freddie Freeman and his Paul Bunyan Balls, he sends pitches screaming out of the yard.  Otani can damn near tear his shoulder, but he's not sitting anything out.  The team turns at-bats into marathons.  They leg out ground balls because who knows, someone might forget to cover 1st base.  They run out fly balls because someone just might drop the thing.  

For myself, and to the world, I need to let something go.  I need to accept something and just get it out, and that is that.  

(Begins playing "Chariots of Pumpkins" from the Halloween III soundtrack)

Dave Roberts, manager, has won 2 World Series for the Dodgers.  Could and should the team have won more?  Probably, but shoulda, coulda, woulda.  This ends the talk, at least from me.  He's shut me up.  He went to the mound last night and put his chips in on the bullpen, specifically Blake Treinen.  It worked again.  I exalted.  Last night, the team, the organization, its fans all celebrated a championship.  Dave, however, was the winner.  My worn-out Dodger cap is tipped to him.  My mouth, for you Dave, forever closed.  

I can open it to finish the champagne with OJ this morning, right?  Why waste it?

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #15-11

Not only are we entering the shank of horror viewing in a calendar year (though, to be fair, any time is the right time), but we are also entering even more known (and theatrical) titles.  This won't slow me down, of course.  For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20-#16

#15 - The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Poster of Theatrical Release: Close your eyes for a second...and sleep forever.

Since this is a theatrical film, I won't go as in-depth with this one.  I think I saw it decades ago but had little memory of it.  I thought it was all right.  I liked how much of Mar Vista we see - makes me miss the old bowling alley and diner I used to hit all the time.

"I've got some provisions for the party tonight!"

"What are provisions?"

"You know, Doritos, No-Doz, Bennies, Crystal Meth."

#14 - Don't Panic (1987)

Back of VHS box: Don't PANIC...a terrifying journey into a forbidden world.  And for two young people it is a journey that will twist and scar their minds forever.  The powers of darkness gather, and nothing can stop the orgy of devastation they will unleash.  Evil satanic rites.  Human sacrifice.  The ancient secrets of the occult.  And as their fear reaches its shattering climax, the horrifying final blow is delivered.  Don't PANIC...pure evil.

We often bemoan, and rightly so, how Saturday Night Live has devolved into a show where everything is shot like a police line-up, with people reading straight into a cue card.  Now imagine this with people who clearly lack acting experience.  Add the story moving with the subtlety of a frying pan to the face.  

There've been a LOT of movies with a Quiji board as part of the plot, or even the main focus of a movie.  There will be more in the future, I'd wager.  This is one of them.  I will give bonus points for the bit early on where Michael is on his BMX bike & jumps into a bike rack, knocking all of them over while an 80s guitar riff plays.

To quote Donovan Brandt, "Everybody likes movies.  That's why it's a great thing to talk about.  'I love that movie!'  'Oh, I didn't like that.'"  I know this is all subjective, but how did this end up so high on the list?

#13 - Frozen Scream (made in the 70s, home video companies said 1980, 1981, or 1983)

Back of VHS box: (Only found re-releases that dump on its quality...the original scan from the early 80s was illegible)

It's all here - multiple narrators, 16mm, re-purposed synth, voiceover acting to match foreign learning language cassettes, pacing that matches southern California traffic.  This is the kind of shit Mike & I would find at video stores and rent on VHS box alone...we'd goof on it, likely only watch half of it, maybe think about re-using a clip on Night by Night and then cue up the next one.  

"Judgement Day!  Time to pay your dues!"

#12 - Don't Go in the Woods (1981)

Back of VHS box: Four young campers, Craig, Peter, Ingrid and Joannie, back-pack through the mountains for a relaxing weekend in the wilderness.  They enter a forest which becomes denser and darker as they progress.  Peter and Ingrid fear they are lost.  The brush moves and something is there.  Suddenly a large form rushes toward.  A wide machete gleaming in the light falls fast.  Craig slops dead to the ground.  Peter and the others flee screaming into the forest.  The rest of the day and terrifying night is spent running and hiding from the maniac murderer who is constantly in pursuit.

Again, we goof on VHS boxes written by people who clearly haven't seen the movie, and there are those who just give the whole damn thing away.

Well, how about this?  The cooper black font.  The swanky synth.  The no-star cast (as I've mentioned in other reviews) getting separation:

Oh, I'm sorry: everyone gets called out?!

The dirty film transfer!  The vertigo-inducing "cinematography."  The "maybe on purpose, maybe not" stunts.  The totally random edits.  The come and go characters.  

Synth sound effects for wolf howls.  A wooden train whistle toy signifying a "train" nearby.  Moog sounds to lighten the mood.

People talking over each other.  No inflection in dialogue.  Someone roller-skating on uneven pavement.

"Be careful, Dick!"

"Dick?  Dick?!"

It's dusk, it's midnight, it's sunset, it's daytime, it's morning...all within 10 seconds.  Sped-up film.  A chase scene in a field nowhere near where the previous scene was filmed.  Having a "score to settle" with a fellow camper and then doing so by closing them in a sleeping bag up a tree for a human pinata.

Let me make it plain: this is a bad movie.  It's awful, but it's not trying to be as bad as it is - it just fails at each and every decision.  Yowzer.  This is the kind of film that belongs on this list.  What a dizzy movie.  Seriously, I'm going outside for a walk after this one.  

#11 - Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Poster of Theatrical Release: You've made it through Halloween.  Now try and survive Christmas.

We all know this one - as a matter of fact, I remember seeing a screening at the New Beverly long ago with director Charles Sellier in the audience.  I wrote about it somewhere - I thought here, but I guess not.  The movie itself is its own thing: it is going for the shocks in many different ways, pretty much delivering on all of them under the guise of a horror plot.  So much of what Sellier said that night, burned into my brain, is all on the Wikipedia page, so I won't bother re-hashing it here.  However, one thing that stayed with me that isn't mentioned is an anecdote that Sellier told (and it's possible I could be applying this to another film, but I don't think so): 

(SPOILERS)

Sellier is at either a preview screening or an actual screening on that lone weekend in theaters to get the feeling of the audience reaction.  So, we know the scene where Billy finds the young couple in bed and takes care of them, you have a little girl, Cindy, who is apparently also in the house and comes out of her room awake.  As Billy asks Cindy if she's been naughty or nice, a woman stood up and yelled "IF HE KILLS THAT GIRL, I'M WALKIN' OUT THIS THEATER!"  Charles put his head in his hand.  "What have I done?!" he thought to himself.  This anecdote brought a hearty laugh to those of us at the New Beverly ~ 20 years ago.  I'm sure it made him laugh too, looking back at it.  But at the time, and all the shit he had to deal with it, I can't help but think that was an all too real, 100% honest reaction.  Whatever the intentions were for the movie, for him and his career, and then the response is...well, what it was...how else can you respond but with "what have I done?!"  

It's from Tri-Star.  A theatrical production.  Is it trash?  I guess, but for something that made such a mainstream reaction, for better or (as it turned out for them) much worse, it doesn't really feel like it belongs on this list.  

I'm almost done with this list.  I'm also going insane.  I just want you to know I'm aware of it.

Dining with Darvez

Welcome back!  In quite the twist of fate / junk kick, the fridge in the kitchen (full of food) decided to die on Labor Day just before we began a triple-digit heat wave.  This means we'll be dining out due to electronic necessity on a nearly constant basis.  What's worked?

We foolishly thought this could be repaired, but in today's disposable world, the ends didn't justify the means, so any suggestions were welcome.  We started with a neighborhood spot, and my choice on a warm evening was a house side salad that came with a roll.  I was content with the sal.  It was my choice.  "That's all you're gonna get?" I was asked.  What the hell do you care?

The following day, I tried to snack my way through all non-perishable items, and I flashbacked to college, attempting to make a "meal" around whatever was around.  If I was close to full, regardless of what it was, well...mission accomplished.  Pistachios, cheese and crackers (the cheese saved in the beer fridge) and an apple sufficed.  This isn't far from my typical lunch anyway, but I also knew I couldn't do this for much longer.

An early and successful choice for dinner was a local Columbian restaurant which is sensational on all fronts.  Lately, despite my attempts to try all the entrees that interest me on the menu, I returned to the Pollo en Salsa Verde.  No, it's not an exclusively Columbian dish, but many Columbian dishes at this location include carrots which, as we know, are the enemy.  Besides, they have an extensive "fast food" menu, one the Big Scoop has chosen since we've moved here and the burgers & chicken sandos are top notch.  After a stressful day revealing the realities where I actually had to, again, defend the li'l beer fridge in the garage having (what I was told was) "too much beer", I shoveled it away happily, ignoring most conversation.  It wasn't aimed or geared towards me anyway.  

The prices are adding up, and the new fridges won't arrive until the following Tuesday (for fuck's sake...) so I started to think about how I could go out and get something cheap.  I didn't say delicious and inexpensive, so in my strive for just that, I tried to rationalize a Jr. Whopper with cheese.  About halfway through, I gave the rest to the dog.  What am I doing?!  Sandwiches became my life for lunch as the week ended as the temps crossed 105 daily.  The Sub Marine King himself shared his plight as I waited for the order.  105 outside means life isn't fun inside a kitchen, he intimated, even if we're all ordering cold sandos and cups of ice to hold up to our heads.

Friday, I went to the supermarket, looking longingly at items I couldn't purchase because I had no way to store them, ordering a meat n potatoes meal with green beans just to eat something square even though I was on my own food endurance run at this point.  A nightfall where it was a "cool" 97 brought a local pizza place where fans were going a plenty.  This place, too, confirms that temps that hot next to ovens are not enjoyable for the employees.  The Big Scoop and I overate salad because...fuck, I don't know anymore.  I don't...why am I doing any of this?! 

By college football Saturday, I stayed cool with the sangria (it's a beer fridge, so it gets priority) as we all rooted on Northern Illinois like any other good citizen.  I tried to assimilate the changes to my preferred surroundings, but how many god damned sandwiches can a man put away?  Should put away?!

By Sunday morning (you didn't see the sun was up, you felt it) a deviation was suggested, so overpriced empanadas did the trick.  Upon picking up the order under the glare of Mr. Sun, the kitchen help at this establishment also concurred that sitting by an oven, as a restaurant's AC does its damndest, is not preferrable either.  I'm sensing a trend.

That evening, as I tried to save what plants and trees I could (you can't water in the dark if you can't see, but if it's hotter than shit when the sun is up, too, well you're just fucked either way aren't you?) I was told she was making dinner.  As sweat poured over me, I gasped out a "fine."  I don't know that there was enough time in-between these chores and eating, and my body continued to pay for it the following day.

The new week started with some depression - I knew it was the last full day of this predicament, but it just seemed unending.  That and it was 106 outside.  I don't even remember if I ate anything during the day; just mainlining anything cold to drink, admittedly short with anyone who dared to press me with unneeded questions.  Yap yap yap.  It's fucking hot as shit.  WHAT.

The statistic is that kids make 80% of the decisions on where to eat once the parents make the decision to go out to eat.  I cared but was too weak to put up a fight.  I didn't fight where we sat in a Mediterranean restaurant that hits more than it misses, and there we were next to a couple and their young boy.  We might as well have been eating in their apartment, because this annoying fucking kid was doing all the annoying-ass things loopy parents let their kids do in public.  (An aside- once at a casual Beverly Hills eatery, a couple who thought it was a good idea for them to spawn let their offspring scream over and over without putting up a fight.  When they finally left and were near the door, the entire restaurant broke into a thunderous applause.)  By this point, I had crossed the dividing line - I ignored usual politeness, shoveled it away, kept the iced tea flowing, and let the one-liners loose because I had little left and all that was in the tank were the zingers I've kept in reserves so that MY offspring doesn't misuse the skill.  Look at me - I can't even compare restaurant experiences.  I'm worn out.  This is not a comparison done in frivolity but in desperation, and my ability to pretend is over.

And so, yesterday, when it was "only" 95, 2 no-nonsense guys arrived with new fridges.  I offered help, but also offered to stay out of their way.  Not everything was as easy as they claimed, but maybe if felt that way to them when you do what they do, I guess.  Things are cold.  So, finally, are the temps outside.  So is my temperament, or at least its trending that way.  And looking back, maybe it's my emotion making this a bigger deal than it was, but I'm not sure.  Maybe it was someone asking me "what are we gonna do?" over and over on a daily basis that did it.  Or the heat?  I'll need to get my strength up if I'm going to party again, but how?  Only my future knows that, and it's insisting I find out for myself.

Incongruous with the rest of us

Yesterday, while I quietly mainlined Riunite, questions were answered by regaling tales of decades ago.  Only the good times from then, those old days.  This sent the Big Scoop and I to google maps, which then sent me to discover the public access archives from Bloomington.  Yes, such a library exists.  It doesn't contain everything (whatever that is), but enough to send my mind spinning back decades, and further neighborhood hunting.

But what am I looking for, exactly?  What am I searching for in my mind?  The last time I was physically there, I wrote how pleasing it is to find something that still stands from back then to assist in jogging the memories.  Last night, however, I didn't need to be there to make it happen.  I suppose that will be the ultimate verdict.  That (Covid notwithstanding) it's been 5 years since a visit, and if I really needed a score, I'd have been back since.  And in that prose from 5 years ago I realized, for better and worse, "those days" don't exist anymore - and that's fine.  

We have friends who moved next door to where one lived in his formative years, at least in MN.  That's a bridge too far for me, but I understand the pull.  I can also see that, for likely 6-7 months of the year, if I pulled such a stunt, I'd be insufferable; always in a foul mood about weather.  It was one driver to out here, and we're nearing a quarter century in Dealville.  The majority of my full life.

A rep visits the house today to pick up electronics.  He's visiting from NYC.  What do you think?  How's it been?  "I love it!"  In the brief chat, he exalted on the weather (dry heat), the food (it's all here), the people ("great").  After he left, I mulled over his statements and agreed.  It's why you move when you can, to where you want, and can do so again and again.  If anybody considers you an outsider or non-native, whether new to the area or even decades later, fuck 'em.  

In the Haze-E-Daze of summer vaca, the Scoop reiterated again about her large reluctance to travel.  "I love this house!  I want to live here my whole life!"  I was taken aback.  "Well, sweetie of course you're welcome any time you want to visit.  But--"  She then added more news from the future: "By that point, mom will be in a senior living home, so it'll be even better!"

Zinger aside, it made me realize that she's starting to get those feelings in the moment the same way I did back in the said "old days."  Will she have her own pull back, mentally or otherwise?  There's no Dealville back there, that's for sure.  Many times, I've opined to Laura how amazing it must have been to grow up out here, but she doesn't know any difference.  She, too, will occasionally want to go to Bel Air, usually when we're nearby on our way home, to see the house of her youth.  You can't see much from street level there, and those winding streets leave little room to park.  When she wants to go, we're all supposed to go.  I've seen it; that's enough for me.  I've long since stopped asking her, while in MN, if she wants to go to my old place.  It's a selfish exercise to me, holding next to no meaning to her.  

Decades from now, will the Scoop be sitting where I am right now?  Will I be here?  Or will we swing by on a visit, walking around, with her bringing up these very days?  Then, like now, the excitement and possibilities of the future awaits. 

Top 50 Trash Horror Films of the 1980's: #20-16

Now that I'm in the back-half of this quest, I'm starting to look at the volume of scenes and I think this is making me (very slowly) insane.

For those of you finding this randomly:

#50-#46

#45-#41

#40-#36

#35-#31

#30-#26

#25-#21

#20 - Ogroff (1983)

Back of the VHS description: (None found)

We're in 8mm and added sound (in French!  Mais oui!), and it's shot like Introduction to Film, so this is just a scavenger hunt.  All that said, if you look, you can find some real French gold in the hills...er, woods.

The rest of this is poorly edited and acted (I wasn't expecting much less) but one pleasing side-effect was that the music used (mostly swanky synth) reminded me of what was used on In Search Of...  And I can also say- 

SPOILER ALERT

I haven't seen a plot where the guy hacks up the family in front of the mom...but not just that: he then makes a BBQ of the family pieces and eats them in front of the wife!

Hanging out in the French countryside, '82.  New Wave synth on the radio.  Everyone smoking.  What were you doing in the Summer of '82?  Probably the same thing.

Good doggie!

There's also one scene of Ogroff in bed at home that I can't screencap or type out...you'll just have to see it for yourself.  You'll have to see a movie just throw in anything it can think of to fit into the plot since, honestly, there are no words.  You'll have to see a movie where the ending is...left to your interpretation?  Or avoid this movie.

#19 - Bordinghouse (1982)

Back of the VHS description: Can a house be alive and have a personality all its own?  Of course not!  At least that's what the beautiful girls thought BEFORE they answered the ad that seems too good to be true!  The final conflict will confirm the delicate balance of creation...at the BORDING HOUSE.

Paragon Video!  The sign of quality!  In this case, however...

The disclaimer at the beginning, ridiculous.  The graphics, public access.  The pacing, non-existent.  The acting, the b-level crew of Night by Night.  

After a while, with the video aesthetic, it seems like something Floyd Gondolli made and tried to sell Jack Horner.  I'm talking hot fucking action to the max.

The whole time doing this exercise, I have applauded those films where they made the best with what they had, be it small budget, location, whatever.  This is the first time, and even with a cast this large, where I, someone who was more producer than director, think...no, FEEL that I could do better, especially on video, than this movie.  So could anyone else.  

#18 - Blood Rage (1987)

Back of the VHS description: Todd and Terry are twins - blonde, cute as buttons, bright and identical in every respect, with one exception.  One of them is a murderer.  It all started one night at the drive-in when a teenager was slaughtered in the back seat of his car while his girlfriend watched.  Todd was found guilty for the heinous crime and locked away in an asylum.  Years passed and Terry lived happily with his mother, who smothered him with enough love for two sons.  All was fine until one night when they received news that Todd escaped.  The nightmare begins once again and out of its forbidding darkness steps a maniacal killer, raging for blood.  But which brother is the killer?  The truth may not be seen...until it's too late!

To be honest, this movie has been the barrier in the way of this posting.  Intermittently I've been searching for this movie low and high, and I don't have the torrent skills of Drew Boatman, so my quest (lazily) went on for a while.  But then - glory be!  It's found, without anything holding it up as amazing so that I'd say, "I spent months looking for this?!"

Well, we're starting out with a shot of a drive-in, and it says "1974" - already you've got 2 in the plus column there.  

Wait.

OK, hold on, now we have swanky synth, 80s clothing...I just...this totally rules, it's just people going at it at the drive-in, hell I'd watch 90 minutes of this opening montage alone.

(A brief aside - as the 70s dawned, she divorced Woody Allen, and for maybe a year or 2 in the mid to late 70's, Louise Lasser was one of the biggest TV stars around.  There was a bit of a fade, but she was likely A-list adjacent into 1980s - she was just on the first season of It's a Living before filming this.  I just want to put you in my mind frame as I'm watching her act around, well, the rest of the cast)

A voice-over narration attempts to cover up a re-edited scene.  

 Condo Bowl '83

"Looks like you're going to get a chance to meet the rest of the family.  My psychotic brother just escaped."

"Could you pass the green beans, please?"  Ah, Thanksgiving.  There's nothing like it anywhere else in the world.  Oh, and apparently the accent is on the beans in green beans.

You never really know how Thanksgiving will go, do you?  Hell, one minute, you're in your condo office enjoying a cold, refreshing Old Style

And within that very same minute...

No hand, and no Old Style.  Of course, your real right hand sneaks into the frame afterwards, but that's only a plus as far as we're concerned.  People conducting manslaughter (or in this case, handslaughter) or even murder can just show up out of nowhere.  Just right out of frame, complete with synth sting for effect.  You kids out there might think you're cool but are you stabbing-someone-while-smoking-a-joint cool?!  I told you, drugs are bad, m'kay?

There had to be multiple people on this shoot who knew full well what they were doing.  As the plot chugs forward in the Florida night, you get incredible throwaway shots, like mom helping herself to Thanksgiving leftovers:

This doesn't mean there aren't bad edits in here, and there are, but if anything, that makes it fit into the good column of 80's slashers.  

(your basement as you remember it)

(re: video games) "If those things are around, you can write off this night."

"Girls having a good time back there?"

"Oh sure.  Just talking about the bad old days when guys were horny all the time."

"Well, that sounds like my kind of conversation."

And it goes on from there, including some amazing additions:

- People are dead because, well, someone else screamed and I don't see them anymore

- You can open a locked sliding glass door with a flathead screwdriver and some good old-fashioned gumption

- What, you don't have "make up" lying around to pretend you've been killed?

- Kids take everything literally.  Don't you forget that.

- A phone to the shin?  Ouch!

I will pay $20 for that Sam the Olympic Eagle beach towel.  OK, $30.  $35?

I haven't seen Thanksgiving, and this barely qualifies as a slasher around the holiday, but I might not need to because this one is fun...not great, but fun.  Quite the ending, too.

#17 - Sledgehammer (1983)

Back of the VHS description: No one has dared enter this house for nearly ten years since a young couple from the valley were brutally murdered by a madman with a sledgehammer.  No one...until now.  They would not be alone.  There was something evil in this house.  The kind of thing no one believes in yet everyone fears.  Something that moves only through the still of the darkest night, creeps within the shadows of man's deepest fears and strikes without warning.  Something which does not want them in this house yet cannot allow them to leave.  The night will be shrouded in their fear, stained with their blood.  The nightmare has begun.  God help them!

Direct to video, shot on video.  Immediately with the Night by Night effects and the no-star cast broken out "with" other standouts as well.  

Some curious puns here too, unless I'm led to believe the last name of the editor just happened to be Cutter and the lighting director's last name is Watt.

We move quick in this video with a swift back-of-the-mannequin head sledgehammer shot, right as he was getting...well, we won't talk about that.  With the fact that this is 100% video, I'll let your imagination run.  The killer uses the sledgehammer just as a judge would with a gavel, which is unique.

Outside of an insert or 2, we stick with the exact same shot for 2 minutes?!  We follow a scene with stock music of acoustic guitar and the same two people talking in the previous scene...walking away in slow motion?!  We get one of the worst Carl Spackler impersonations you've ever heard...by an adult?!  We see people aggressively drink alcohol...then eat sandwiches...for over 10 minutes?!

Normally, in movies like this, you're trying to find the motivation of the killer as the others are simply innocent and in the wrong spot at the wrong time.  Here, just off the git go, I'd say if 75% of these folks saw their action van and folks inside said van meet a sledgehammer head-on, you'd be cheering for the sledgehammer.

Sledgehammer and Boardinghouse were both shot on video.  You can use both of those cassettes to tape over them with something else.  Anything else, I don't care.  You now have 2 free blank tapes.

#16 - The Toxic Avenger (1984)

Back of the VHS description: A thrilling one-of-a-kind action packed film loaded with adventure, horror, science fiction, and unforgettable big-budget special effects.  Melvin, a skinny weak wimp of a man, is janitor at a health club.  Teased by the "beautiful" men in the club, he falls victim to a particularly nasty trick, plunging into a vat of Toxic Waste.  The rest, as they say, is history.  Melvin has become - The Toxic Avenger - A monstrous mutated mass out to rid the world of evil.

If you're reading this, you've (of course) seen this movie.  At worst, you have to have HEARD of this movie.  A product of its time, one that spawned many imitators, even within its own production company.  As with Class of Nuke 'Em High, the effects are sensational, there are 1-liners a-plenty, moments that would in no way fly today (and that's a good thing), but the good outweighs the bad.  

I can't be the only person to have noticed how a young Jason Vorhees and Melvin (the Toxic Avenger himself) bear a resemblance.   Almost like looking at itself in a mirror.

The Toxic Avenger is more than it needed to be, but that's why it's on this list.  It's why Troma made so many sequels.  It's why there was a cartoon.  It's why it's so high on this list.