That's the way it's done

“I’d like to cancel the order. In fact, I have some equipment I’d like to sell.”


I’m almost tempted not to write about the Dodgers, because each day adds a new wrinkle. And wrinkles aren’t the kind of shit that makes anything look better. At first it was the good news: “Slimy” Steve Soboroff has left the team. His role seemed to mainly talk up what a great guy Frank McCourt is to the entire world. He couldn’t find a lot of interested parties and, seeing the financial documents, conveniently left his job…on a Sunday. Remember that, because…

MONDAY, Frank files for bankruptcy. That’s bad. Frank has no money. Bud wisely nixes Frank’s mysterious Fox Sports deal since court documents show Frank planned on taking half the cash from a multi-billion dollar deal and sharing it with his wife. This was, you know, to pay their legal fees. Fees encountered in a divorce proceeding.

The Dodge then hit Minnesota, unknowingly on “Get a hit, get an RBI for free” night. That’s good. Hey, I’ve been there, Twins fans. We were swept by Dusty Baker. We slept knowing the slow process of Bud taking over the team was at hand. But the wheeler-dealer had one more math problem on his sheet.

If you had to choose between these two loans, which would you take?

A. 7% interest, no fee

B. 10% interest, $4.5 million fee

Now, since you are smart, you’ve chosen A. But how good are you at losing money? How good are you at spending money you don’t have? If you are a champion of bleeding money (yours and others), well, you choose B. And you use that as evidence that all is well. Paychecks WILL be sent out on Thursday. No forfeits for the next few weeks! This is a good choice if you are a complete and utter moron. Or, Frank McCourt. Remember this folks, because there will be another “deal” soon, where he’ll save the day by overspending and trying his hardest to show you how he saved!

“Change the Channel”

A recent trip to Las Vegas enlarged a shocking trend. It was the furthering of television show slot machines, and that all of this was at the expense of table games. Want to try “Paradise Poker?” Oh, I bet you don’t like the odds. But check this out, a Password Slot! Match 5 Marty Allen’s in a row and win 16 cents! Who’s Marty Allen? Well, it’s someone whose likeness we got for cheap! Looks like the single deck black jack table is all full again. How about this $50 minimum multi-deck table? Oh, I see you’re a Fantasy fan. Then you’re really going to like this Lord of the Rings slot machine. Can you find the ring? If so, match 3 for the bonus!

Some of this, to me, is sweet justice to casinos. The actual gamblers are avoiding games that are so tilted toward the house it’s not worth it. So, while the high limit folks continue to have their own section, the rest figure they might as well be entertained while losing (or possibly making) money! It’s unnerving, walking past tables with attentive dealers. Checking, and checking again, and again, their chips and cards. They are completely ready. Quietly, they eye the moving clientele.

"What, you’re not good enough for this game? Oh, you’re wondering where the bowling alley is, Megabucks? It’s next to the food court. (sigh) What time do I get off?"

Happy St. Patrick’s Day in June?!

Upon returning, it’s been another cruel start to the summer out here. It’s even crueler near the beach, where I make deals. You’d think that would be idyllic: summertime, beach, and Lowenbrau. But each day in Santa Monica is met with temps and weather fit for March Madness, not summertime gold. By months end, 28 of the 30 days will show below average temps. The average? 72-75 degrees. That might not mean a lot to YOU, but I didn’t buy beer brats and kool-aid because I thought it was March. It’s because it’s fucking SUMMER. Of course, it will be 88 in November, and we’ll rejoice. But is there ever a season where you want it to be what it should be like summer?! Of course not. We gotta heat up. Ah, Potsy’s box o BBQ sauces has arrived. Get that grill going.

Govern the Schwarzenegger Way

Most everyone knows of the golden life out west. They also know life is a lot better with a lot of cash. Having a lot of cash and living the golden life is the solution to life's mathematical problem. It may be superficial to say, and some may argue, but having been on both sides of the coin...well, I don't need to tell you the right side. Hell, there's the right way, and then there's all the way. You know what to do.

And just as pacific gold is an ideal it is also a very real lifestyle. But it doesn't come easy, it doesn't jive for everyone, and it takes hard work. But living this lifestyle is becoming harder and harder. You might not sense it right away, but hooo boy you'll be noticing it when you send in your state taxes. And you can thank Gov. Schwarzenegger for one clusterfuck after another. Yes, the man elected Governor with NO EXPERIENCE IN ANY WAY seems to be neck deep in a shit storm he attempts to avoid by leaving the state as often as possible. Just how did we get here? Follow the golden road! How can others govern Arnold's way? Read how:

1. Run for the position using catch-phrases from your movies. Vaguely mention what you'd do, but enforce the fact of how "cool" it would be to have yourself as governor. Don't act surprised when it works. Campaign that you won't take money from special interest groups. No one will check to find out that, over five years in, you will have taken more special interest money than any California governor in the state's history.
2. With the state budget a mess, begin the idea of spending 15 BILLION DOLLARS in bonds. Most people won't understand that a bond is spending money you don't have...and then paying for it later. You do this for only one sensible reason: you're sure that you'll be in the black in the future, so it will all even out. Never mind there is no possible way out if you're not making money by then.
3. Press hard for the approval for the bond measures. Get help from Democrats, who know smart spending is needed. You're a republican spending money, and they love you. So does the public.
4. What? Not everyone loves these spending measures? That will likely make it hard for a state budget. When those struggles begin, continue using catch-phrases from parodies of yourself. Hide your confusion when the trick which worked on voters doesn't seem to hold the attention of those in Sacramento.
5. When your opinion poll numbers are well below 50% favorable, immediately decide to hold a special election for state reform measures. This gives you another chance to be on TV and remind people that a famous movie star is California's governor. Try to compose yourself when voters reject every one of your reform measures.
6. Just in case people were turning around in your favor, go against your previous statements and veto a gay marriage bill. Fairly, you state that this would go against Prop 22, which California voters agreed that same-sex marriages should not be allowed. Five years later, support a "no" vote on Prop 8, which would have banned same sex marriages. React sadly when once again, the vote fails for same sex marriages.
7. As your bond measure problems come up again (with Democrats wanting them only for different things than Republicans) complain of party fighting as the reason for gridlock. Support the Democrats wants anyway, just to piss off your own party.
8. You're up for re-election! Time to do the easy things, like sign into law tougher greenhouse gas & emission standards. Look - you're still Governor!
9. Uh oh - those pesky bonds (the ones people voted for, and voted for AGAIN in 2008) will start to become due in a couple years. And we don't have the money to make it. We could keep getting bonds and have little to no tax income or treasure left. What to do? Solution 1: Blame state employees, and have them work only four days a week. This will make up the money difference and you won't have to raise taxes. Never mind the fact that fewer people working government jobs will delay assistance to citizens and create more red tape.
10. To show the legislature who's boss, you threaten to lay off 10,000 government workers (at a time when most people can't hack it) to continue to make up the balance in money. With gridlock once again, everyone spends the night at the capitol. Make no comment when Republicans suggest raising taxes instead of firing people, despite a national tax cut. Those stimulus checks won't sit in your bank account for long!
11. Use the old insult tactic when there are some who think $14.4 billion of tax increases are in your way.
12. REMEMBER: When all else fails, smile! You've got charisma! You've got Hollywood looks, even in your advanced age. Even if your popularity is hovering near 50%, who the hell could beat you in an election? You're a famous actor!