Take my team, please

Picture this:  you're broke (oh, that's a stretch).  Long ago they stopped taking the NPR membership money from your checking because it was giving you overdraft fits.  You've gone down the ladder and ended up permanently at Aldi.  The bus don't charge insurance.  Within this situation, would you buy a t-shirt with your favorite sports logo on it?  If you said yes, is it because it would make you feel good?  That part of the price would go to boosting the team, possibly giving them enough money to sign that big free agent, the one last piece to push the team over the top?  Would you go to sleep at night like The Gambler, convinced you had broke even, and that you were now emotionally AND financially invested in The Team?

Are you the Governor of Minnesota?

In 20 years every team is going to be Green Bay.  They'll sell it to the communities in different ways.... but civic ownership will be widespread.  They'll put a stadium in Lilydale or whatever, and the conditions will dictate that the "people" will own the team.  Of course, the "people" will then elect their leaders to run the administrative functions (so they can get back to watching GREENWAY!), and the wool will go over the eyes.  They'll sell "shares" or whatever, and Keith of Keith's Kettle will be first in line to plunk down 250 dollars a pop, so that they can hang it in a frame in the basement with their PBR taps and the drum set that has to stay in the closet.  We'll monetize our pride, and the guys will really feel like "our guys".  Everyone will have a team, and they'll pass the championships around like a turkey leg.  Everyone gits a bite.

All of the sports are capitalist to various degrees, but for the first time ever, they've been able to convince Dumb Mouthbreath that they indeed are doing it all for him.  That's the perfect marriage with politics - the grand idea that a rich, famous, handsome man has the interest of a fat, lazy slob in mind when he makes decisions in his life.  "I'm on your side, union workers!" he says, as he eats a meal that costs more than 2 months rent in the Marcy Holmes neighborhood.  And we all buy it, because we're very very dim.  "Hey, that guy fights for the little man!"  Yeah, he learned to fight for the little man at YALE.

It makes sense, then, to fight this war in the public arena, as though a mass of people in the United States has ever been able to exact any kind of change other than general social adjustments.  "If we show up to this rally, perhaps they'll keep the team in Arden Hills!"  Yeah, except not.  They'll bring these battles, be they Labor or Stadium, out to the public square and let everyone Talk About It.  Then, at the end of the night, the cigars will be lit with hundred dollar bills and Deals will be made.  The rally-goers?  Back home for CBS' Monday Night Bonanza.  Ah, order.

I suppose it's a tricky position to convince people that they aren't as dumb as they are.  It's got to be a terrifying position... prop up the ignorance of sports fans who believe that by spending money on things, they will be a part of it (Hey, I own alternative energy stock, does that get me to the front of the line when they launch the ships for a Colder Earth?).  But that's our world.  Take someone's money, tell them they've done a Good Thing, and cash that fucking check with the quickness.

It's simple.  If you drive between Minneapolis and St. Paul, your car will likely be ruined due to the immense amount of potholes.  The pavement buckles and splits constantly due to 6 months of the year being frozen, and a month of days filled with 18 hours of sun.  So, when it comes time to dole out money to fix these various roads and civic projects, I suppose it makes perfect sense to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to upgrade the roads leading to and from the proposed stadium site in Arden Hills (a city I became aware of 2 months ago).  Just double it down, invest it all in the team, hoping to holy hell that we'll be able to celebrate a championship like the New Orleans Saints and that will make us forget, if even for a moment, that we live in hell.  That's what we're aiming for.

So please, fair Gold patrons, come and take this team.  Put these people out of their misery.  Wrench it from their plump hands so that they can wake up in the morning and not think about what Ben Leber is having for breakfast.  Maybe we can get back to life for awhile, and then in 10 years you can bring back the Minnesota Wilderness, or whatever.

We need a break.  We need the money.