Run for the Rose Colored Glasses

This past Saturday was picture perfect - sunny and warm, a slight breeze...everything that sends signals to your brain to get outside immediately. But it was Derby Day and the lady had just called from Las Vegas - where are we putting the money? Despite doing research for a living I hadn't even casually viewed the field. There was talk of trifectas and other collections, but we agreed to treat this like roulette and see what happens.

So, I figured I'd view some of the coverage and see what I could learn. Maybe they would mention something that would be such an advantage it could alter our wagers. After an opening written by the intern: "The pageantry...the hats...the mint juleps...the crazy infield..." Tom Hammond was joined by...Billy Bush? What the fuck is going on?! They could have just flashed "FILLING TIME" on the screen and I'd have gotten the drift just as easy. So what else was on for the sports fans? CBS had golf coverage from North Carolina...couldn't figure out what tournament it was, and Jim Nantz was lulling everyone to sleep. Whatever was on ABC was in the middle of a gigantic commercial break. Fox was airing the Baltimore/Anaheim game and Dick Stockton wouldn't let go of what a "beautiful day" it was here in southern California. No shit. Let's get this fucking race going, huh?

I was about to get surly when I saw something labeled "Blue Demon vs. Las Invasoras" - out of Burbank's own KRCA. And, click. It was late 1960s lucha libre wrestling. So, it was nothing like what we know of; more like if AWA put on a "Mexican wrestling" match. Considering my alternatives, I stuck with the film. Not far after the match, an "Invasora" said something to an old guy and a key light with a red gel covered his face. Apparently this rendered him silent. But, before I could figure out where to find this light and send it to Fox Sports, it was race time!

Not surprisingly, my lack of research didn't pay off. the lady called and lamented this as well, but was optimistic for the future gambling. I had already gone outside to seize the outdoors when the phone immediately rang.

"OH MY GOD I JUST WON $1000!"

Research pays off, but sometimes it doesn't. With so much action, the sports book had a raffle for all those who had bet over $20 that day. The first two drawings were for $500, with a grand the big prize. And let's be honest: winning a raffle outside the sports book is a bigger thrill than spending a week on the college baseball match-ups and then getting what you expect. Toss a ticket into a bucket...take this check. That's America, friends. As expected, the lady was difficult for details right afterward...akin to the on the field interview after a kicker made a game winning field goal. Of course, I was asking for real details, unlike Michele "What's going through your mind?" Tayfoa. But in the end she said, knowingly, "so, I'm telling everyone I won a grand on the Kentucky Derby." Your damn right you did. And I can only imagine the die-hards, the lifers in that sports book who saw her win, stared at their ticket that says "Pyro WIN 7-1" and saying to no one in particular, "I ain't had a winner in weeks."