My many months of living dangerously

It was here on this very blog where I wrote of the brick wall that was in front of me at the network. I was exhausted, at my wits end, "sick of the bullshit." I thought I had found a new, creative outlet for my talents. It would satisfy that aspect of work, freshen my thoughts, and if the pay wasn't that great at the start, who cares?

Well, maybe I'm too optimistic. Maybe my "glass half full" mentality got into the way of reality, which should have been "this glass is filled 1/2." Emotion was my driver, and any changes that I would have made are waaaaay back in hindsight. But just how does one live dangerously in Dealville, avoiding "vitamins" because you think someone in your future might not approve?

The first couple of months were easy - working on ideas, frequent visits with producers of other shows, meetings, so on. I remember returning 6 packs of Sunset Wheat Leine's to the liquor store, and being happy that I was out of that hellhole. However, if you tell anyone you're in that line of work (production, writing, so on) you are supposed to give an example of your work that is so well known, people can judge you immediately and rank you appropriately. Saying things are "in development" leaves you an open book to many...quite possibly yourself as well.

A few months into this, I am chatting with then-current Pacific Gold writer Steve Simpson. We are discussing gambling. I lament that since my "boss" went home for the holidays, I "feel like Potsy. All I'm doing is gambling and eating." He replies that yes, that's accurate, but my volume isn't nearly as large. As the new year began, our concepts continued to lead to nothing but talk: "hearing things" "things might be happening" "it's just a matter of time until" "we'll wait and see." I am getting itchy. After a few months of this, I meet with another producer and we pitch a game show idea I've thought of. He likes it...is willing to help...we lament it would be hard to do a pilot for my concept, but we could sell it. It lies there like last week's wet newspaper.

That's it, gotta find something else. As I've said...these are not those times. And yet, I have interviews with my former employer but in a separate department. It's a job of minor consequence. I am excited as it would cover me for the "down time" of game show production. Reality smirks at me. I ignore it. Immediately after that misguided effort, I am told of a lower-level programming job at GSN - excellent. I can continue the game show vibe, and get back into what I know. I don't get the job - they have candidates with 5+ years experience doing EXACTLY THAT lining up. They send me a rejection letter two months later.

Success seemed around the corner - a fully funded pilot, taping at KTLA. I don't end up doing any kind of work of consequence at the taping, and this is apparently a clerical error. I started to wonder why, leading up to this, wasn't I placed anywhere. Is anyone in charge here? Shit, do they know I'm here?!

Each month was a slow build toward something...a return to what I know, and more importantly, a return to golden life. It was as slow as a ramp built to jump the Pacific Ocean, but I could sense it happening. In-between, I tried to keep my mind off the obvious, as anyone would in the chase. I went on vacations to clear my head. I did pick up work with a distributor who, through osmosis, had me dragging out of gold land and into Canadian trailer parks. My head was at the horizon line...sink or swim.

And now, as "summer" nears its unofficial end, I swim. And I swim in waters which are perfectly tailored to my interests. Not testing peanut butter. Not researching "makeover my mom" shows. Research for HORROR SHOWS. I am a happy man, and a lucky one, but prepared. How could I not be? I've just finished a marathon I never thought I was running...it was supposed to be a jog in the park.

The lesson, in all of this: When times are gold, you never settle. Yet, when times AREN'T gold...you find yourself doing exactly that. Some of it might be inconsequential. But you know you're doing it. And if you have any brain at all (or, maybe it's the Midwestern in me) you adjust the economics. So it'll be Aim toothpaste. That's fine. Ivory is cheaper, so it'll add up, right?

There's nothing gold about that kind of mind-set, but the lesson can be learned easier when you bend to how life treats you. Give yourself over to gold and, over time, you get it. And sweet Moses me, it is good to be back. Put the pork n beans back on the shelf; lamb chops always were your speed, right? Success is something to be shared to all those who live and envision this.

(raises glass)