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We awoke to a crash and a serpentine hiss. The air had gone foul with burned sake. Was that breakfast on the griddle, or a ramen bowl heated in darkness by drunks? The night was not nearly over. 3:30am, and we were in a fighting position. Jetlag, my ass. The only thing lagging is my confidence. Out onto the street by 5, and you're damn right it's smile time.
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When that virtual reality shit took hold in the 90s, we thought this sort of ad would be alive. Literally, that some stoned-to-the-bazzer-belt anime chick would walk up to us on the street and offer us a free token at Taiyo for the new Suntory game where all you had to do is get enough ball bearings down the chute and they'd let you take a picture with a bottle of whiskey. Not drink it though... that's for downstairs. Anyway, they haven't perfected it yet, so our mockings aren't being recorded. For now, anyway.
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An entire ad campaign was born this night.
"Thought things would be different by now, didn't you? Black Barrel."
"Ah, midnight and only time for one more decision tonight. You want to correct this evening's mistakes? No? Black Barrel."
"You want to improve your predicament in life? No? Black Barrel."
"Thinking you're too good for a watered down whiskey in a can? Those shoes you're wearing are telling a different story. Black Barrel."
"Like good tasting whiskey? No? Black Barrel."
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Even the dirty parts of town seem like the fair. I don't mind keeping this stuff behind white plastic curtains, but your eyes can only hide so many places. This place made us fight a teddy bear who had an ice cream in his hand in order to gain admission. Pass. They're giving away free tours down the street, at the Sony Building.
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It takes the average human brain 30,000 years to generate enough electricity to power Shinjuku for an evening. So how exactly are they doing it? Beats me.
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I didn't think I'd like a beer that was "All Malt". But then that, like most everything else, turned out to be lies. If it was all malt, it wouldn't be liquid, right? Anyway, they serve it in 60 gallon cans in Ebisu (a city which got its name from Yebisu beer), and you can't buy one unless you can run around one in less than a second. I learned after this picture was taken that the locals use the "whip" like in roller derby. Whatever, I was able to huff the fumes.
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Inside the Museum of Modern Art. Each of these is filled with a glow stick. It's called "An Homage To Rave". Pink is the national color.
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The street crossings are the only time you can stop and take a picture.... the foot traffic just moves too fast on the sidewalks. This intersection was the sight of our 3rd knife fight (our first draw, to bring the record to 2-0-1) but it wasn't a bad evening. We were given tea and shown photos of Africans in a curbside gallery. Not an english word was spoken during the transaction.
(ed. - See? Can you spot the lies?)
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Mount Fuji is revered as the God of Snow in Japanese folklore. Once a year, the snow melts under the immense heat of it's molten iron core. This is when most people just look the other way out of the trains. It is taller than Mount Everest, if you count in hectares.
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This riverwalk in Osaka is just like the one in San Antonio except nobody actually goes down to the river and one building is designed to look like a beer can. But you can get a decent burrito down here. (ed. note - YOU DEFINITELY CANNOT DO THIS)
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The quietest street in Osaka. Just an average Tuesday afternoon.
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They call him the Moss Man, and people on their way to work stop and throw water on the statue for good luck. As such, he and his friends are covered in moss, even on the driest of days. Our tour guide told us that this shrine is actually a mini-sized replica of one on the bottom of the Japan Sea. I said "yeah right, there's no such thing as the Japan Sea".
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"They do have an intimate knowledge of the streets."
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Being that this was our honeymoon, we thought it appropriate to not make a mockery of EVERY national treasure. And plus, we were in Japan JUST AS THE CHERRIES WERE STARTING TO BLOOOOOOOM.
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This was a store that sold Honda and Daihatsu tires.
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"You like sports?"
"Sure"
"You like sports?"
"Uhh, yes. Yes I do."
"You like sports?"
"YES."
(yelled from the back of room) "WHAT!!!"
"Ah yes, WHAT sports you like?"
I offended this man with crazy talk about American Baseball. He gave me what I deserve - a face-bite.
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Mocking the deer in Nara. Like they're going to do anything in retaliation. What, eat more?
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This is probably the spirit of a 3000 year old Samurai. I should NOT have pretended to give it my Kudos, only to yank it away and laugh.
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A clock tower that raised up at 5pm and began spinning and putting on a play. No, seriously. The clock tower started doing a play, with animatronic actors and fairy music.
(ed. note - Why tell the truth HERE? His credibility is shot)
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Well, yeah. It was Noodle Goo. And it's still safely wrapped in cellophane at the 100 yen store. And will be for the next 4 years.
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To call this stuff "sardines" is to imply that I have eaten sardines in my life. And, excuse me, but I think I would know if I had ever eaten sardines, thank you.
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The sign upon entering "Big Echo" said "Happy Happy Happy". Exactly. Finding Mr. Roboto on the playlist was a miracle (being that the songs were categorized by their Japanese language spelling). We gave it everything we had, and left it all in the karaoke room.
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Pagoda, temple, moon. Quote the photographer: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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The least crazy thing we saw in all of Japan.
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1 comment:
If you got a picture of NoodleGoo being eaten by pink monkey, you would have broken the internet.
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